Schnarch - Intimacy & desire : awaken the passion in your relationship

INTIMACY
&
DESIRE

ALSO BY DAVID SCHNARCH

Passionate Marriage

Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Emotionally Committed Relationships

Constructing the Sexual Crucible

An Integration of Sexual and Marital Therapy

Resurrecting Sex

Resolving Sexual Problems & Rejuvenating Your Relationship

AWAKEN THE PASSION
IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Dr. David Schnarch

Copyright 2009 by Sterling Productions. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For more information, contact Beaufort Books, 27 West 20th Street, Suite 1102, New York, New York USA. www.beaufortbooks.com .

The information contained herein is provided for informational purposes, and not intended as a substitute for advice or treatment that may or should be prescribed by a physician or therapist. Some sexual difficulties may be caused by medical problems. A thorough medical examination is always wise, and if you believe you have a medical problem, consult a doctor promptly. Before adhering to any information or recommendations given here you should consult your physician or therapist.

Case examples are composites of cases from clinical practice.

Crucible, Sexual Crucible, Sexual Crucible Approach, Crucible Approach, Passionate Marriage, Passionate Couples, Four Points of Balance, Solid Flexible Self, Quiet MindCalm Heart, Grounded Responding, Meaningful Endurance, and Resurrecting Sex are trademarks owned and pending by David Schnarch, Ph.D. Programs, trainings, services, and materials using these trademarks can only be provided by the Crucible Institute of Evergreen, Colorado and its authorized designates. Website: www.DesireBook.com

First Paperpack Edition

Quotation from The Self-Organizing Universe by Erich Jantsch copyright Pergamon Press. Used with permission.

Lyric to Eyes of the World by Robert Hunter copyright Ice Nine Publishing Company. Used with permission.

Interior design: Neuwirth & Associates, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Schnarch, David Morris, 1946

Intimacy & desire : awaken the passion in Your Relationship. / David Schnarch.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-0-8253-0567-2 (alk. paper)

1. Intimacy (Psychology) 2. Desire. 3. Interpersonal relations. I. Title. II. Title: Intimacy and desire.

BF575.I5S36 2009

306.7dc22

2009022161

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

This book is dedicated to five important people in my life:

Dr. Ruth Morehouse

The nicest woman I know. My wife.

The central blessing in my life.

Steve Schnarch

The nicest man I know. I am lucky to have him as my friend.

I am blessed he is my brother.

Dr. Barry Lester

My oldest friend. Child researcher extraordinaire.

Friend to babies around the world.

Dr. James Maddock

Brilliant theoretician. Wonderful man.

His passing leaves a void in the field of sex & marital therapy.

The Man Whose Impeccable Integrity Wont Allow Me
to Mention His Name

In memory of a man who brought out the best in me.

This book is about desire, and desire is about wanting. Many people have made me want to do better, and helped me do better:

My parents, Stan and Rose Schnarch, have given me so much, just by being the good people they are. They are decent people of integrity and good will. My work helps me appreciate just how lucky I am to be able to say that about my parents.

My wife, Ruth Morehouse, has walked with me through the crucible of marriage and never let go. Together weve learned a lot about sexual desire. She has mapped my mind and, somehow, still chooses to live with me. She lives inside me in ways that bring out the best in me.

My daughter, Sarah Morehouse, has done her job well, making me live what I say about the Four Points of Balance. She has helped me develop a Herculean ability to hold on to myself, or so it seems at my worst times. She makes me want to do better, and make the world better, because beauty and goodness gush out of her eyes when she smiles.

My brother, Steve Schnarch, holds me to high standards of integrity through personal example and helpful scrutiny. Whether were in the desert or the mountains, or dealing with everyday problems, Steve is often a step ahead of me. Excellence for its own sake is a good way of describing how he conducts himself as a carpenter and a human being.

My friends, Barry Lester, Lynn Legasse, Jim Maddock, Susan Regas, Josh and Peggy Golden, and Resmaa Menachim have pushed, pulled, dragged, and supported me to function at a higher level. They open my horizons of what is possible and then they help me go there.

My clients lead me to new ways of seeing things through their refusals to grow, finally confronting themselves, and their successes. Students keep me on my toes looking for the holes and push me to find better ways to teach them. Professional colleagues and audiences around the world encourage me to make this approach more widely available. Its fine with me if you consider this book an act of pass it forward.

Grateful thanks to my dear friend Carol Gable for introducing me to public relations maven, publishing veteran, and all-around good guy, Michael Wright, of Garson-Wright, who helped bring together the team of talented people (besides himself) who produced this book. These include Eric Kampmann, Margot Atwell, and Erin Smith at Beaufort Books, who immediately believed in this project. Trish Hoard, whos a delight to work with, did a great job of polish editing the final manuscript. Jay Boggis and Oriana Leckert did the proofing. Melody Englund (Songbird Indexing) produced this books wonderful index, making its contents readily accessible. Amy King produced this books lovely cover on short notice.

My attorneys Marc Reisler (Holland & Knight) and Amy Berge (Greenbaum Doll & McDonald) do a wonderful job of looking out for my entertainment interests and intellectual property rights, respectively.

My hope, my wish, my desire is that you read this book, take action, and make your marriage and family (and community) a place of peace and joy. This is what you can do to revolutionize how we understand sexual desire. That is what I want. That is my hearts desire.

Evolution is self-realization through self-transcendence

Erich Jantsch

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world

Grateful Dead

| PART ONE |
WHY NORMAL PEOPLE HAVE SEXUAL
DESIRE PROBLEMS

| PART TWO |
HOW WE CO-EVOLVE THROUGH SEXUAL
DESIRE PROBLEMS

| PART THREE |
SEXUAL DESIRE PROBLEMS:
HOW YOUR PERSONAL LIFE FITS IN

| PART FOUR |
USING YOUR BODY, REWIRING YOUR BRAIN,
AND CO-EVOLVING IN BED

Thirty years ago I developed a completely new approach to sexual and marital therapy. You can learn a lot about desire as couples skid toward divorce. One thing I really focused on was sexual desire problems. It revolutionized my understanding of love relationships and at times left me astonished. I certainly didnt expect sexual desire problems to teach me what they did about intimacy and love. This book is my best effort to pass it on to you.