Maci Daye - Passion and Presence: A Couples Guide to Awakened Intimacy and Mindful Sex
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- Book:Passion and Presence: A Couples Guide to Awakened Intimacy and Mindful Sex
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Most romantic relationships follow a predictable pattern of initial enchantment followed by inevitable disenchantment. But relationships dont have to stay in disenchantment or end! Passion and Presence offers readers a proven path back to connection and intimacyoften in deeper ways than before. Sex therapist Maci Daye draws on her popular international Passion and Presence workshops to show couples how their erotic difficulties can be a portal to creativity, compassion, and unparalleled growth.
Exercises and reflections guide readers down what Daye calls the naked path of awakened intimacy. On this path, we courageously examine ourselves, our barriers, and our relationship patterns, ultimately finding fresh ways to heal and connect, and revitalize eros. With gentle clarity, Daye addresses the everyday challenges of real life sex, such as sex that has become routine, differences in preferences or desire, power struggles, a history of trauma, changes ranging from childbirth to aging, infidelity, communication challenges, and more. Engaging stories depicting couples of diverse ages, backgrounds, genders, and orientations illustrate how the practice of Passion and Presence can help any couple establish a more intimate and wakeful erotic life.
Maci Daye: author's other books
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Learn to inhabit your living body with sacred presence. This is a wonderful guide to deepening intimacy through the seasons of our loving relationships.
TARA BRACH
author of Radical Compassion and Radical Acceptance
This book brings real tools to all couples looking to increase the passion and connection in their relationship, whatever stage they find themselves. Anyone looking at this book will find a new way to be present with their partner.
TAMMY NELSON , PHD
author of Getting the Sex You Want
In this hopeful and radically transformative book, Maci Daye takes us into the under-layers that block our true sexual potential and outlines a path out of resignation to joyful pleasure. The surprising secret to sustaining or reigniting passion between long-term lovers begins within, and our capacity to be here versus get off is vital.
CHELSEA WAKEFIELD , PHD , LCSW
author of In Search of Aphrodite
In this comprehensive and practical book, Maci Daye shares hard-earned wisdom from decades of helping couples use their sexual issues as paths to becoming more fully alive, intimate, and erotic. She writes that Great sex is a mind-set, not a skill-set, and proves that with a host of engaging case-studies and experiential exercises that will help you find and heal the inner obstacles to great sex.
RICHARD SCHWARTZ , PHD
creator of the Internal Family Systems model of psychotherapy
Maci Daye brings her decades of experience and her wide-open heart to this gentle and wise book. On these pages, you are invited into deeper connectionwith your partner and with yourself. Your sexual healing starts now!
ALEXANDRA SOLOMON , PHD
author of Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back
In this beautiful book, Maci Daye explores the physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual dimensions of sexuality. If you are looking for a quick fix to your bedroom boredom, this is not for you. And to that, I say hallelujah, because there are no handy short cuts around sensual disconnect, no easy way to break out of the familiarity trance and bring mindful aliveness to this moment, this touch, this kiss. But if you want to know what it means to be truly naked, together, I strongly recommend Passion and Presence.
CHERYL FRASER , PHD
author of Buddhas Bedroom, creator of Become Passion: An Online Course for Couples
Shambhala Publications, Inc.
4720 Walnut Street
Boulder, Colorado 80301
www.shambhala.com
2020 by Maci Daye
Figure 6.2, Plane of Possibility Map is from The Mindful Therapist: A Clinicians Guide to Mindsight and Neural Integration by Daniel J. Siegel. Copyright 2010 by Mind Your Brain, Inc. Used by permission of W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.
Cover art: Vera Lair/Stocksy
Cover design: Amanda Weiss
Interior design: Kate Huber-Parker
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
For more information please visit www.shambhala.com.
Shambhala Publications is distributed worldwide by Penguin Random House, Inc., and its subsidiaries.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Daye, Maci, author.
Title: Passion and presence: a couples guide to awakened intimacy and mindful sex / Maci Daye.
Description: First edition. | Boulder, Colorado: Shambhala, [2020] | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020003116 | ISBN 9781611808131 (paperback; alk. paper)
eISBN 9780834843226
Subjects: LCSH: Sex instruction. | Intimacy (Psychology) | Mindfulness (Psychology)
Classification: LCC HQ31 .D29 2020 | DDC 158.2dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020003116
a_prh_5.6.0_c0_r0
DEDICATED TO
Mimi Tater (19372019)
When it came to sex
and death
you were an extraordinary teacher.
Thank you, Mom, this book is for you.
Pam and Stu are sitting on floor cushions looking excited and nervous. We are in a private conference during one of my Passion and Presence couples retreats. After exchanging pleasantries, they tell me why they are here. Pam is soft-spoken and has a kind face. She explains that three children, a relocation, and a battle with breast cancer killed her sex drive. I was weak and depressed, Pam says. Stuart knew I wasnt up for sex, so he backed off.
Stuart, a sincere-looking man in his mid-forties, is quick to own his part: I felt so helpless when I saw Pam suffering like that. I was trying to be strong for us, but in bed, my fear took over, I guess. He hesitates, Sometimes, I still cant perform. Pam touches Stus arm with so much tenderness, my eyes well. We were both so tired, says Pam, continuing with the story, that eventually we stopped having sex. Now that Ive gotten a clean bill of health, were hoping to get our groove back. She laughs shyly and shoots Stu an encouraging look.
Pam and Stu are describing what I call a stage 2 relationship to a tee. At stage 1 of their relationship, they could idle in bed riding waves of passion. However, children, a health crisis, and real-life responsibilities punctured their erotic bubble. For the past nineteen years, they have faced constant change and boatloads of uncertainty. Real life is complicated, and so is real-life sex.
Like Pam and Stu, the couples that come to my retreats want to deepen or restore their erotic connection. Although some are still in the blush of new love, the vast majority attends because routine or even absence has replaced the smooth and rewarding sex they once had. Sex has become fraught with complications that seem too hard to resolve on their own.
There are also some couples at the retreats that have never experienced fireworks in bed. For them, sex was bumpy or passionless right from the start. They hanker for something they have never actually tasted, at least not with each other. About a quarter of these couples bring a history of trauma with them. One or both partners find sex aversive or have associated routine sex with safety. They attend the retreats because avoidance and routines are robbing both themselves and their relationship of vibrancy.
What unites most of the couples that attend the retreats is that they dont know how to change the unsatisfying status quo of their erotic lives together. They want to experience erotic vitality, but their efforts have thus far failed to get them what they want.
Myriad forces ensure that we falter at stage 2 of our erotic journey. Unfortunately, with no more preparation for this stage than any other, we are forced to rely on our wits to navigate this steep and often de-eroticizing pass. Regrettably, the evidence shows that for Pam and Stu and many others, winging it isnt working. At last count, 20 million American couples were in sexless marriages, and 50 percent of sexually active couples were unhappy with the amount or kind of sex they were having.
Walter and Ingrid, another couple at the retreat, bring an air of tension into the interview room. Weve tried
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