Roberts Diane - Sexy Christians: the purpose, power, and passion of biblical intimacy

T HE P URPOSE, P OWER, and P ASSION
of B IBLICAL I NTIMACY

DR. TED ROBERTS &
DIANE ROBERTS

2010 by Ted and Diane Roberts

Published by Baker Books
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.bakerbooks.com

Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Roberts, Ted.

Sexy Christians : the purpose, power, and passion of biblical intimacy / Ted Roberts & Diane Roberts.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references (p. ).
ISBN 978-0-8010-1346-1 (cloth)
1. SpousesReligious life. 2. SexReligious aspectsChristianity. 3. Intimacy (Psychology)Religious aspectsChristianity. I. Roberts, Diane, 1947 II. Title.

BV4596.M3R635 2010
261.8'357dc22 2009040735

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Contents

by Dr. Patrick Carnes

T he rumor started as a whispered story. I almost disregarded it as an urban legend, except I hoped it was true. It spoke of a church of a conservative, evangelical persuasion in which the pastor challenged people to look at sex addiction. The story suggested this pastor asked the entire church to have an ongoing discussion about sex and life as a committed Christian.

Next I met a few members of the church at various conferences who moved the story from whispered rumor to witnessed reality. They reported hundreds of church members attending groups for both men and women. Best of all, they said the participation profoundly enriched the entire congregational experience.

I hoped it was true because I knew the first person people will talk to about sex is their pastor. Many people are in recovery today because a pastor knew enough to get them help. Through the years, though, the church has had a hard time talking about human sexuality in terms of faith and love. Legalism and unfounded prejudice have generally won out. Still, it is in the faith context that many are likely to begin a journey toward healing.

Across denominations, the sexual scandals of pastors have reinforced shame and sexual negativity. Somehow, the lesson of the gospel about Christ coming for the wounded and struggling has been missed. Pastors are supposed to be perfect, with no struggles or defects. Yet Christ aimed all his parables at the Phariseesthe numb religious leaders who followed the law without the love. Their effort was to control God by perfect adherence to the rules, losing sight of his reaching out to them in relationship. In the midst of this negative arena, the idea of an innovative church and pastor on the horizon was heartening.

And then I met the pastor everyone was telling me about: Ted Roberts. In his own modest way, he told me of his efforts to reach out to people whose sexual wounds were seldom addressed in a faith context. I thought, What a model forothers! So many churches and denominations could use this level of forthrightness.

No one who knows Ted will miss his Marine background and decisive style. His is the type of passion that can transform. But Ted is not without doubts or struggles, so he talks about them. No model existed for what he sought to do. The model he knew well was the Son of God, who was willing to persevere in love when all betrayed him, and the Son of Man, who was willing to break with codes and attitudes built on self-righteousness.

Theres more. I have known many clergy who joined a sex addiction bandwagon without the study and diligence necessary to understand this complex problem. It takes investment and effort to understand how neuroscience is transforming our understanding of this illness and addiction in general. After that, further effort is required to know what really works. In clinical language we call this an evidence-basedapproach. If you immerse yourself in this effort, you have to confront much in yourself. Many want to skip that hard work. There are also those who fear religious leaders will focus on the sinful aspects of sexual addiction as opposed to the gigantic health problem it represents. And unfortunately, that has happened in some cases.

Ted has taken the time to learn what he needs to know in order to translate the depth of the challenge for his church, his denomination, and other believers. He has had the humility and the willingness to learn. I have witnessed over the last decade his effort to be prepared to do his work well and his recognition of a crucial truth: when it comes to humansexuality, we must all continue learning.

With all the various denominations and faith-based traditions, it is difficult to get a consensus on human sexuality. Similar barriers exist in the areas of clinical and academic science. Put another way, the spirit of the Pharisees can be found in any arena. Every major scientific breakthrough requires challenging dogmas. The church does not have a monopoly on self-righteousness. Whether everyone agrees does not matter. Having the conversation is vital. We know from studies of mental health, violence, culture, and government that the way men and women treat each other sexually and the way we raise our children shapes the future of society. On a planet that desperately needs openness and collaboration, the sexual conversation is clearly the most important one to have.