Ian Grant - Growing Great Marriages: Hundreds of Practical Strategies for Bringing Out the Best In Your Marriage

T his book is dedicated to the concept of hope; the idea that great partnerships are possible and that the clues to build them are within the reach of all of us.

Life is difficult a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? This is from the opening page of Scott Pecks popular book The Road Less Travelled. In todays world of failing marriages and short-term commitments it seems that many believe that love is also difficult.

So in the light of this we offer some ideas that we believe could be an antidote to that negative mindset. They are ideas we have gleaned and travel-tested over nearly fifteen years of Hot Tips seminars on Marriage and Relationships. We have seen them make a difference sometimes almost immediately to couples who are stuck, as well as add some colour and humour to others who just want to continue to grow and enjoy each other.

Just the other day I stood nervously before 1200 students in one of New Zealands top schools, St Andrews College in Christchurch. It had been a while since I had spoken to this age group in a school assembly and I wondered if I was getting too old to communicate to sophisticated and electronically savvy students. However, I began by saying, Ladies and gentlemen. I want to talk to you about the two great human fears, Can I love and will I be loved? The audience hushed immediately and for the next 30 minutes I talked to them about sex, love and hope. Afterwards the staff expressed their surprise at how well the young people handled my straight talking, especially how attentive, even subdued, they were as an audience. In fact that evening an extra 200 parents joined my pre-booked parenting seminar on the recommendation of these teenagers.

the two great human fears, Can I love and will I be loved?

As I travelled home the next day and reflected on the students response, I thought about how powerfully this deep need for love drives us human beings; how even supposedly mature adults will step over their childrens needs, their friends advice and their parents perspective and cause havoc in the lives of those around them, if they believe they have at last succeeded in finding what they think is true love.

Many experts in counselling and marriage will tell you their sadness at how seldom they actually can stop divorce. They often confess that in spite of offering excellent advice as well as skills in caring and conflict resolution, if one partner feels that they have found a different quality of love somewhere else, there is no turning back it seems. Could it be that it really is all about love?

The most satisfying investment you ever make will be learning to love another person properly.

Understanding the currency of love that is gilt-edged for your spouse, we believe, can be the route to aligning your life-dreams with each other and enjoying a marriage that is as playful, respectful and fun as it was during courtship.

It is the investment you make that gives a partnership value. People invest in stocks and shares hoping for a future payoff. The most satisfying investment you ever make will be learning to love another person properly. It will be the best gift you ever give yourself and your family and it will be the path to true maturity.

As a couple we are transparent about the fact that we have not had a perfect marriage. We have, like most strong-willed and passionate people, had ups and downs and hard patches. It is the big reason that we are so keen to hand on to others what we wish we had ourselves known from the beginning.

At our recent fortieth wedding anniversary, our children put on a beautiful dinner party with an intimate group of long-time friends. Our children made speeches that made us both laugh and cry and we looked back through the museum of memories of our life together with thankfulness that we hadnt given up on each other or on love.

Our eldest son, looking for a creative way to celebrate this milestone, went to a lot of trouble to choose a selection of special wines to accompany each course, and explained before pouring each why, in some way, it represented our marriage. As our son explained the reason he had chosen each wine, we were touched by his way of honouring us. We particularly remember the Mt Difficulty Single Vineyard Pipeclay Terrace Pinot Noir, from Central Otago, New Zealand. We understood why Mt Difficulty would describe our marriage! In introducing this one he suggested, The rationale was that great wine, especially pinot, needs adversity and that your journey together, as both partners and parents, in your chosen lifes work, had not been all easy going or straightforward but that the adversity had brought real beauty and a quality that only challenge can bring. He then went on to introduce Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc from a vineyard which is a great example of innovation and creative ideas that have unlocked the power of an intrinsic New Zealand quality. He suggested that this wine was symbolic of the innovation that he thought we had brought to the youth work we had been involved in, as well as to our family. And finally we drank Veuve Clicquot Champagne from the Champagne House founded in 1772 and made famous by Madame Clicquot, who became known as the Grand Dame of Champagne for her values of modernity and audacity and her emphasis on quality. This for him he said, symbolised that faith, courage, passion and determination that you both brought to your life and to your faith in God.

Although our knowledge of wine is scanty to say the least, and we will probably seldom drink such exclusive wines again, our son in his word pictures and descriptions of these famous wines gave us a resounding, Well done! we children are both thankful and proud that you invested in your marriage. A couple couldnt ask for anything more in life than an accolade like that!

And we believe that it is a journey we can all negotiate. It just sometimes needs new insights and the desire to succeed.

In this book, we share some of those insights. And we offer them in the hope that those who have been where we have been; who are stuck, through lack of clues, may learn how to get unstuck and move on. We hope for others, who already enjoy a great relationship, that there will be ideas that add fun and new dimensions to your life together.

Without doubt the price of a life-long love is beyond value.

Ian and Mary Grant