Tara Fields - The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Right Now

In loving memory of Jerry Fields,

who never failed to ask, Hows the book going?

Dad, I think you would be proud.

I AM SO SICK of being ignored. You just never, ever listen. Sara clutched the tiny pillow to her chest and sank deeper into the sofa.

I have no idea what youre talking about. I listen to you all the time.

Really? Yesterday I told you that your mother called and announced shes coming to visit. And you just sat there. Did you even hear me?

Sean looked perplexed. I dont remember that.

See? This is exactly what Im talking about. You just sat there, watching the news. Its like youre more interested in the news than you are in me!

Thats not true.

Sara crossed her arms tightly across her chest and glared at her husband. Her body language communicated frustration, and the disappointment beneath it. Okay, then tell me the last time we sat down and really talked, she said, her voice rising in pitch. When was the last time we did anything together, just the two of us? I cant even remember! Because youre always busy, or youre working, or youre watching the news while Im trying to talk to you about something important.

Oh God. Here we go again. Sean rolled his eyes, threw his hands in the air, and glanced at the clock reflexively, checking the time.

See? Sara pointed a finger in Seans direction. This is what he does. He just shuts down. I mean, its so obvious that he doesnt care. He clearly doesnt care about me or this marriage.

With that, Sean fixed his gaze on the window of my Bay Area office and watched the rain fall softly on the redwoods, the heavy fog rolling in around the base of Mount Tamalpais.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist for more than twenty-eight years, I have counseled hundreds of clients, and almost all of them come to me because theyre frustrated, heartbroken, stuck. Like Sara and Sean, they love each other, but something seems broken. They feel that theyve changed or grown apart, or that too much has happened. They dont know how to fix their relationship, and they fear the only way forward is out.

Sound familiar?

If youve picked up this book, the great news is, youre here because you have the desire to make things better. No matter the problems youre facing and the baggage youve accumulated, you know that your relationship still has a chance; you remember the love and the passion you have shared, and you want a chance to find your way back to each other, back to the person you were and the person your partner was, and the couple you were together before everything started going wrong.

The problem is, it can seem like you dont even know where to start.

If you feel like you were absent the day they passed out loves rule book, youre not alone. None of us were given a rule book for how to communicate and create a loving relationship. So instead of playing by a common set of rules, were pushed and pulled by the patterns we created in our childhoods and earlier relationships. With more than 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce, these arent always the greatest examples. Too often we wind up feeling angry or misunderstood, and we reacthurting each other or retreating into hopelessness, and growing apart in the process.

By the time couples like Sara and Sean come to see me, theyre usually so mired in conflictindividually feeling hurt and lonelythat theyve resorted to assigning blame. Im often asked, either directly or indirectly, to collude with one of them, to pick a side and confirm that the other spouse or partner is at fault. (See? This is what he does. He just shuts down.) Each half of a couple can become so invested in trying to be right that knee-jerk reactions begin to take precedence over being loving and kind. They get to the point where to lose an argument seems like it means losing an essential piece of themselves, and they just cant let that happen. They lose all perspective and the ability to see that theyre actively losing the chance of winning.

And thats where I come in. Part of my job as a psychotherapist is to see couples with fresh eyesand to remind them that no matter how bad things have gotten, they can get better. How do I know? Because theres a simple truth about all relationships that most of us miss: Its not the fighting or the resentment or the icy indifference or the fact that he never listens. In other words, its not what youre fighting about that matters. Its the patterns you fall into when you fight that can tear a relationship apart. Clients come in and say, Tara, I dont get it. I have never loved anyone like this, and I have never had conflict like this. Am I with the wrong person? Should we just quit? Am I crazy? Did I make a mistake?

No! If youre feeling this way, youre not crazy, and it doesnt mean you have made the wrong choice in a partner. Most often it means you made a good choice. Theres a line I love from the book A Course in Miracles, published by the Foundation for Inner Peace: Love brings up everything unlike itself... to be healed. Love brings up everything you have kept hidden away: unresolved wounds and traumas, fears. Perhaps you feel safe enough, vulnerable enough, in love to allow these old feelings and experiences to resurface. Letting love take the lid off Pandoras box frees those demonsand once they are free, they can be healed.

Heres what happens: you get a ring or move in together or you join heartsyou become part of someone elses world, and that person becomes part of yoursand then the conflict starts. Maybe it was there all along, and you thought this next step of commitment would make it all go away. Whatever the case, when the conflict starts or grows, you make the mistake of thinking it must be because youre with the wrong person. You say, Hey, if I was with the right person, we wouldnt be fighting, right?

But the important truth is that its never all hearts and flowers. In fact, when you find the person you love and this person loves you back, that love will permeate the layers of protection youve built to keep yourself safe; it will get down to so many things youve never dealt with before. It may be exactly because you found the right person that youre fightingnow your heart is open; youre here in the moment, sitting with yourself in a way you never have before; and now you have the chance through this relationship to let these unresolved issues and fears bubble up from your past so that you can heal them in an authentic way. You have an opportunity: if you can reframe your relationship with conflict, not only can you find your way back to the passion and wide-eyed wonder you once felt in your relationship, but you can also use the safety of a relationship in which you reach out and your partner reaches back to learn more about yourself. Can you reframe this conflict as an opportunity not only to repair and strengthen the relationship with your beloved but also to heal your own wounds?

I have seen couples find peace, come closer together, save their relationships, and build relationships that last by simply understanding how they handle their problems and making some pretty straightforward changes to how they communicate. You would be surprised how many more relationships would work, how many more families would stay together, and how many more people would be happy and fulfilled in their relationships if they could take a step back from their conflicts. If youre fighting or locked in conflict right now, right as you read these words, you have one of the greatest opportunities of your life to connect deeply with your partner and with yourself. My hope is that this bookwhich explains and explores the five most common fighting patterns couples fall into, offers insight from couples who have broken out of those conflict loops, and provides the tools to help build a lasting relationshipwill be a guide for you and give you the courage to reach for the beautiful relationship that is within your power to create.