Shaelyn Pham - Love Match: The Art and Science of Finding Your Ideal Partner

To Jon Bopp, my partner in life. An incredibly
loving, understanding, supportive and
forgiving husband who shows me
what true love looks likeunconditionally.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I WANT TO thank my family and friends who continue to believe in me and have been supporting me with their encouragement and well wishes. I want to thank my creative team at Hatherleigh Press and editor, Ryan Kennedy, who helped make this book come alive. To my clients, who influenced and inspired me to write this book, thank you. I want to thank those of you who have picked up this book; I am honored to be a part of your journey.

This book would not be possible without the love and support I receive from my beloved husband, Jon Bopp.

And lastly, my amazing God, who has been there for every part of my journey and given me all that I need to help make a difference.

INTRODUCTION

ONCE IN A lifetime, were lucky enough to meet that one special person who captures our heart and touches our soul. Too often, this opportunity is missed, and we end up with nothing but memories of the one that got away. We want to believe that its poor timing, life circumstances, or that we just werent ready due to our emotional hang-ups. Whatever the reason, were left with pain and, possibly, regret.

We all want to go through life with a partner who is kind, loving, understanding, accepting, patient, and forgivingsomeone that we can love, cherish, and count on for the rest of our life. But before we can have a romantic partner for life, we have to be open to love. When it comes to love and relationships, what we do consciously and what we do unconsciously matters. Some people, for example, recognize in themselves a tendency to sabotage their relationships, but they do not know why they do it or what is it they do to ruin their love affairs. Learning about ourselves and our attachment style is necessary, as it determines our approach to love and intimacy. This way, we can be in control of our love life instead of leaving it up to chance.

Even though were created to be in relationships with one another, the first relationship we need to have is with ourselves. A few years ago, I published my first book, The Joy of Me , laying out the path to discovery for loving and living authentically. We need to have peace and harmony within ourselves before we can achieve that with another person and, ultimately, the world.

If you have read The Joy of Me , you might recall the infamous ex-boyfriend who wrote an inflammatory and unforgivable letter to my family after we broke up. I can understand that people lash out when theyre hurt and angryI could even ignore the verbal abuse, tolerate the destruction of propertybut I didnt mention the cruel and unreasonable act of stealing my four-legged child, a fluffy off-white Pomeranian. It was a terrible time for me, but because all of his behavior was so visibly upsetting, it was much easier to move forward.

I know how it feels to fall in love and not be able to fall out of that toxic love. Youre stuck in an unpredictable and unstable relationship. This kind of love leaves you feeling confused, frustrated, and unable to move on. You believe that youve found your soulmateyou can see the person at their core and connect with their soulbut you dont know how fix the sporadic cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Each time you go back, your heart gets broken again. This is periodical love, and it can never satisfy your hunger or quench your thirst.

The journey to find the love of my life wasnt exactly filled with roses and rainbows, which is why I felt I had to write this book. I do consider myself a hopeless romantic, albeit with a practical view. I want to share with you what Ive learned along the way, in dating as well as in marriage, so that you dont have to repeat my mistakes. Id also like to share the expertise and knowledge that I have used to help the countless clients Ive worked with over the years.

I dont want you to get stuck in the vicious cycle of pain and never-ending disappointment. I dont want you to lose your hope and trust in love and romance. I dont want you to feel more jaded or lug your baggage from relationship to relationship. I want you to have your true love, and a healthy relationship by building a solid foundation so it can weather any storm.

True love is not just a fairy tale or Hollywood fiction. It is real and tangible. Im more in love with my husband today than the day we were married. Our relationship has more depth, understanding, love, compassion, fun, and security as each day passes, and you can have it, too. Im delighted to take this journey with you and show you the road map on how to achieve it!

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The Preparation

Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN

LIFE IS AN adventure filled with unknowns.

When we take a journey or go on a holiday getaway, it requires preparation. Even as a spontaneous traveler, while you may not have your itinerary mapped out, you still have an idea of where youre going. Whats more, the length of your trip determines how you prepare. If you were to take a three-week vacation, for example, youd prepare for it differently than for a two-day staycation.

Even the simplest things, like taking a holiday adventure, require us to make preparations. Yet when it comes to love, we all too often leave it to chance. We hope that well meet someone, and if we are lucky, well find each other attractive and have chemistry. Then well fall in love and somehow, magically, it will work out, and well have a partner for life.

Im sorry to say it, but the probability of that happening is slim. You are going to need to put some work in to be happy in love for the rest of your life. So, lets start looking at the basics of what you need to have in your travel bag to prepare for the arrival of your true love.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM A PARTNER? HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT?

If you have, thats great. If you havent, now is a good time to think about your must haves and must not haves. I want you to think of three of each; there can be more than three, but limiting yourself to three of each forces you to prioritize whats significant for you. It also helps you to focus and not be distracted by whats not important, especially if you have anxiety about commitment. The longer your checklist, the harder it is to find someone who meets all the requirements, giving you the perfect excuse to run away.