Infinite Ideas - Find Everlasting Love: How to Find and Keep a Loving Relationship

Find everlasting love

How to find and keep a loving relationship

Infinite Ideas with Sabina Dosani, Peter Cross and Lisa Helmanis

7. E-love

Its a big part of our life and here to stay the internet has revolutionised the way that we deal with all our relationships.

The benefits of cyberdating are obvious

You can be clear about your intention for looking for a partner without having to be coy; you are in a free and open environment in which to flirt and chat. There are hundreds of sites dedicated to finding people with similar interests and desires. You also have a degree of anonymity, which may make you feel more confident. You can chat away until you feel like you know you have enough in common with someone before you make a plan to meet them. Advocates of internet dating claim that the focus is on the dialogue rather than the physical, so relationships have a chance to start on more meaningful criteria. For those who have been out of the dating loop for a while, it can simply be a way of re-entering the fray, in a much less confrontational way, while they rebuild their confidence.

The downsides, though, are pretty obvious too. You dont know if you are really talking to a solvent, attractive architect of thirty-three with no kids who lives only five miles away, or a bored housewife in Oslo. You could also spend so long plonked in front of your laptop that you forget how to chat to normal people, so just make sure its a tool in your armoury rather than your reason for living.

Painting a picture

If you find yourself a bit of a blabberer on first dates, filling men in with every childhood disease before you even finish your pre-dinner drinks, then the internet offers you the chance to practise your editing skills. Its a great way to start thinking about your good points, about what you would like to project and which habits you need to break (apologising for your every move, for example). If its not for you, say a polite thanks and move on. And if the worst comes to the worst and you cant get rid of someone, then thats what the delete button is for. But you could get carried away and post a picture of yourself taken at a time when you fitted those trousers you bought ten years ago and which are now in the back of your cupboard, kept as an act of optimism. The message here is clear: to attract someone interested in the real you, you have to be the real you, or you are setting yourself up for disaster before you begin. So be honest, and like any other type of dating, hope they are being honest too.

Keeping safe in cyberspace

However, all the best wishes in the world wont save you from some very real dangers. You need to follow a few rules to keep you safe; if people are legitimate they will understand and respect your need to protect yourself, and will not push for anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

• If you are awkward with the turn that any conversation takes, put an end to it quickly. Its not unreasonable or stuffy to expect people to keep it clean or friendly, if thats what you are comfortable with (but at the same time, if your flirty side comes out this can be a safe way to explore it if you keep yourself safe and protected).

• Do not give your phone number, home or work address to people you dont know.

• Make a date in a public place and let your friends know where you are and what youre doing. You can even ask a friend to wait with you until your date arrives and have the two meet.

• Trust your instincts. If you dont feel comfortable, listen to that feeling and be prepared to end the date early.

• Even if the date is a success, consider the wisdom of allowing the person to give you a lift home, or of giving out your number. A little caution could save a lot of heartache down the line, and if they are right for you, then taking things slowly wont be a deal-breaker.

How did it go?

Q Im thinking of joining a dating website but am worried about people finding out and thinking Im an undignified loser. Am I?

A This is the twenty-first century, and demands twenty-first-century methods. If you were living in medieval England you might have been taken to market by your father and swapped for a pig. Now thats undignified.

Q But what if I just attract nutters and freaks?

A Thats the beauty of it. You are protected by the distance the net provides if you use it properly. And are you a nutter or a freak? Well, then. Lose your outdated attitudes and take a risk or two. Most people know of an internet romance success story, and you could be one just waiting to happen.

Heres an idea for you

There are lots of websites out there that are dedicated to art lovers, adventurers, single parents or same-sex relationships: almost anything, in fact. Try registering with a few different ones and with some of those which represent your interests closely. Some sites also offer dating evenings and get-togethers if you are uncertain about meeting prospective dates by yourself.

Defining idea

Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.

ANAIS NIN, novelist, from The Diaries of Anas Nin

8. Its in his kiss

If you believe a kiss is just a kiss, youve been conned. Its such an intimate act that prostitutes never let clients kiss them (allegedly). Want to recapture the closeness? Pucker up.

Every teenager knows kisses are an end in themselves, not just a preliminary to sex. Theres mileage in them there lips.

LUCKY LIPS

We tend to be conscientious when it comes to countering smelly breath, reaching for mints or sprigs of parsley if weve eaten onions or garlic, but how many of us pay as much attention to the state of our lips? Call us sexist, but women tend to be better at looking after their lips than men (which may be why theyre called chaps). So guys, if youre tempted to skip this section, stay a while. Chapped, rough or scratchy lips are a major turn off. Instead, think silky, supple lips, ready to take you wherever you want to go. Women get it wrong too, by overcompensating with lots of lipstick. It may be a good look for performers, but not for performance kissing. A daily slick of balm or flavoured gloss should keep your lips in perfect kissing condition. But avoid applying it just before going into action slippery lips make sloppy kissers. If your lips are very chapped, try exfoliating them gently by covering them in balm and rubbing softly with a toothbrush. Now down to business. In books, kisses are often described as greedy or hungry, as if one person is eating the other. By all means nibble, but never swallow.

When you kiss, think about how you move your lips. Let them dance a little, playing with different degrees of friction and tension. Nibble, squeeze or trap your partners bottom lip or tongue. Mess about and have fun.

FRENCH KISSING

We know youve had a few tongue tussles and were not out to teach you any basics. But if you dont mind, wed like to pull you over for a speed check. Slow and romantic or fast and passionate, the speed of a kiss tells you a lot about the kissers intentions. As a general rule, we suggest warming up and starting slow. Changing speed mid-kiss should be like changing gear, smoothly and at appropriate times. Try not to clunk or over-rev. Of course, sometimes we all like the thrill of going from 0 to 60 in three seconds, but not when weve just woken up.

MILLIONAIRES KISSES

Add glamour, style and fizz to a humble kiss. Take a sip of champagne, hold it in your mouth and kiss your partner. Chilled bubbles on your lips and tongue introduces an extra dimension. For a less bling-bling version, try a frozen cocktail with a fizzy mixer.