Infinite Ideas - Instant Happiness: Take Control of Your Life and Fulfil Your Dreams

Instant happiness

Take control of your life and fulfil your dreams

Infinite Ideas with Elisabeth Wilson and Penny Ferguson

7. The impact of appreciation

Everybody needs to know that theyre appreciated. However, its easy to forget this and simply criticise the performance of our team and the behaviour of our families and friends.

I came across a young lad whod been expelled from school, had fallen in with a bad crowd, was smoking illegal substances and was generally behaving badly. His worried parents couldnt see how to change his behaviour.

CONCENTRATING ON WHAT HE CAN DO

The lads mother especially was always saying things like, Why dont you have different friends? These ones arent good. You must work harder or you wont get the results you need. Keep your room tidy. No, you cant ride a motorbike as its dangerous. You must do your share of the housework. She said these things because she loved him, but nothing ever changed. I persuaded the lads father not to criticise his son at all for one month, but instead to notice the things that he did well. So, when the lads bedroom looked marginally less of a tip than usual, his father thanked him for making it look nicer. When the lad happened to hang his coat up rather than drop it on the floor, his father noticed and thanked him. And when the lad chatted happily at a meal rather than sitting in sullen silence, his father told him what a joy he was. At any given opportunity, his father appreciated his son for who he was and what he did.

Imagine how that lad might have been feeling up until that point worthless, just one big problem. Under those circumstances, how could he see any hope for a way out of his difficulties? The new approach produced dramatic results and, to cut a long story short, hes now doing extremely well.

AIM AT 80% APPRECIATION, 20% CRITICISM

When was the last time you told your partner that you love them and how much you appreciate their role in your life? How long is it since you pointed out to your children what theyre doing well at school as opposed to what theyre doing badly? And do you know who our worst enemy in this regard is? Us. Its said that an actor only remembers the member of the audience who didnt clap. We play a half decent round of golf and only remember the half that wasnt decent. If we do this to ourselves, how much more do we do it to others? When I ask people in companies what sort of feedback they get from their managers, they almost invariably start by saying that theyre told when theyre doing something wrong.

Can you remember a day when you woke up simply feeling good? About life, about yourself, about everything? When you feel like that, how do you perform? Everything goes well, doesnt it? You handle the call to a difficult client better, that sale comes in more easily, you handle a sensitive conversation with a friend more effectively. So, if we know that we perform better when we feel good about ourselves, why do we then criticise people and expect them to be motivated to perform better? It really doesnt make sense.

Im not proud of it, but this is exactly what I used to do with my children. Because I cared. I loved them so much that I didnt want them to make the mistakes that Id made. So, I kept telling them where they were getting it wrong because I wanted them to be better next time. Now my concentration is different. I dont run away from issues. Instead I help my children to focus on their strengths and on what theyre getting right. And because I concentrate on their strengths, they display their strengths more and more. If you focus on peoples strengths, including your own, your life could change beyond recognition.

How did it go?

QTheres someone at work that I dont like, and she knows it. How do I give her appreciation without her suspecting that Im flattering her for my own ends?

AThere must be something that you can appreciate about her behaviour or her performance at work. Thank her for that and, as long as youre sincere, shell appreciate your words. Continue to look for ways of appreciation on a daily basis. It might not happen overnight, but if you express appreciation like this you might even come to like her.

QIm a social worker, and my teenage daughter understands a lot of what I do. When I try to give her appreciation she tells me not to social work her. Her behaviour isnt ideal at the moment, and I want to use appreciation of what she does well to correct her other behaviour. How should I approach this?

AMake sure that youre using words that only a mother could use to her daughter. Tell her with real sincerity that you mean every word youre saying. Its interesting that your training has created unusual difficulties in bringing your children up, but Im sure its brought you and your children benefits too. My children also appreciate each other and sometimes they joke that this is part of Mums philosophy. However, deep down they still really love it and it brings them closer.

Heres an idea for you

Telephone someone whos important to you and tell them what you appreciate about them. When they ask why you called, dont muddy the water by having domestic arrangements to discuss. Just tell them that the only reason you called was to thank them for their strengths and the value that they bring to your life.

8. Whats your Plan B?

Take the insecurity out of your life. All you need is a Plan B.

It could be your best friend in stressed out times.

The life youre living is Plan A. Plan B is what happens if it all goes pear-shaped. Know how youd get from A to B and you remove a huge chunk of the stress that is caused by worry about the future.

It was a former boss who taught me the value of having a Plan B. Magazine editors have one of the most glamorous jobs going great pay, company car, free holidays, free clothes

And they have one of the most insecure jobs you can imagine. The higher they climb, the faster they can fall. Their job is highly stressful and they routinely work their butts off for an employer only to be shunted to the side in a matter of hours if they dont deliver. How do you stand it?, I asked my former boss. Always, always have a Plan B, she told me breezily.

DECIDING ON PLAN B

Every life has its fair shares of upsets and reversals of fortune. An essential of the Plan B is to be able to look at your life dispassionately and see potential stress lines where your life is likely to come apart. For instance:

• If you work in a volatile industry, its work. Your Plan B is what youll do if your dismissal slip lands on your desk.

• If your relationship is struggling, your Plan B is what youll do if you split up.

• If your health isnt good, your Plan B is to research methods of financing your life if bad stuff happens.

Now please, dont get cross. Im not trying to rain on your parade or say that your happy world is about to fall around your head. Im merely concerned with making your life happier, and Plan Bs are brilliant for this. No one says youll ever need Plan B but having one is invaluable comfort when you wake in the middle of the night and cant get back to sleep because of catastrophic thoughts swirling around in your brain. You know those nights? Well, with a Plan B, you worry for about 30 seconds, go Oh, I remember, Ive got a Plan B,roll over and doze off again.

For Plan B to work it has to be a fantasy built on reality. By that I mean its not just a vague Oh, Ill sell the house and move to France. Its more concrete than that.

BUILDING THE DREAM

First, decide on your Plan B and start a file. Add cuttings, pictures, information to it. Suppose you were going to sell your house and move to France. Your file for this would include information on people who had done the same thing, and research on how much youd need to live on per year in France if you were mortgage-free. Youd also put in notes on the school system if you have young children.