Randi Gunther - When Love Stumbles: How to Rediscover Love, Trust, and Fulfillment in your Relationship

When Sara and Ben came into my office for counseling, they were disillusioned and emotionally exhausted. After doing everything they could to regenerate their love for each other, they had been unable to feel hopeful about a future together.

Ben started. Weve read every self-help book on the market, been to couples retreats, planned romantic weekendsyou know, everything youre supposed to do to make things better. We still cant seem to stop fighting over stupid things and blaming each other. We know were killing the love between us, but we cant stop. I dont know about Sara, but Im damn embarrassed to be here, asking some guru to point out stuff I cant see.

Sara agreed, looking nervously at Ben. I feel the same way Ben does. She smiled sadly. Its probably the first thing weve agreed on in months. We dont want to give up, but we really dont know what else to do.

They described themselves as angry strangers, interacting with bitterness and irritation, stuck in self-righteousness and stubbornness. They could not share thoughts without arguing or allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to make love. Facing the threat of separation, they had come to counseling as their last resort.

How do your disagreements start, and what precedes them? I asked.

She picks on everything goddamned thing I do, Ben said. I cant walk across a room without her telling me Im going in the wrong direction.

Hes so exaggerating, Sara interrupted. Just to make me look bad. I only correct him when hes about to do something stupid. Im just trying to help and he knows that. I could say things in the kindest way possible and hed still think Im some kind of witch-bitch. He hates me.

Sure, sure. There you go. Make it all my fault, like Im crazy or something.

I interrupted. Can you let me help you look at this from a different point of view?

Ben shrugged. Sara could not meet my eyes, but was quiet.

Im assuming that you got along well enough at one point to make a lifetime commitment to each other. When did these problems begin to surface?

Probably about our third year together, after our trip to Europe. Sara looked at Ben. He nodded.

Did you fight like this when your love was new?

Of course not, Ben said. She loved everything about me. I couldnt do anything wrong. Just being near her felt like I had found the home I never had.

Sara looked at Ben, then began to cry. But you were perfect. I lived for the moments you would come home. You listened to every detail of my day as if I were the most important thing in your world.

Ben turned away, wiping his eyes.

I asked them both, When did you become aware that things were not the same?

You go first, Ben, Sara said, aware of his vulnerability.

He collected himself. Its hard to pinpoint any specific event. We just started to pick on each other for little things. Each one seems so stupid in retrospect, but, at the time, they got to me.

Can you give Sara an example?

Let me think. Yeah. It was Christmas morning, the day after our third anniversary. After we woke up and made love, I was totally open. I was remembering some painful things that happened to me when I was a kid that I finally felt I could talk about.

Then the phone rang. It was Saras mother. They talked for over an hour. I got pissed waiting to talk to her, and finally got up to take a shower. I know I was a bear for the rest of the day and Sara was clueless.

Sara looked surprised. But we talked about going for a bike ride. Mom and I were just talking about recipes. Nothing important. I didnt know you wanted to talk, Ben. Why didnt you say something?

And stop you from doing what you obviously preferred? No chance.

But I would have loved to hear what you had to say. I didnt even know why you were so irritable all day. That wasnt fair.

They looked at me, lost again.

How would that scenario have been different when you were first in love? What would have happened? I asked.

They looked into each others eyes.

Sara smiled. Ben would have held on to me when the phone rang, like he used to. Hed be teasing me while I was talking, and Id want to get off the phone and go back to being with him. I would have known we werent through and Id have told my mom Id call her back later.

Do you remember when things changed?

She thought about it for a moment. No, not really. It seemed to happen slowly.

Ben nodded.

I began to understand. It sounds as if youve gradually become more upset with each other in many ways. Did either of you notice that you were drifting apart?

Ben responded. When we were first together, we always made each other the top priority. We never hurt each other this way. All I cared about was making her happy. How did we get here? He reached for Saras hand.

Watching Ben and Sara open up to each other again, I understood something so basic and relevant that I wondered how Id missed it before.

This couple still loved each other as much as they always had, but that love was buried under layers of misunderstandings and disappointments. They hadnt forgotten how to love, they had lost the motivation to love. They didnt need to be taught new skills; they needed to find out why they had stopped using the skills they already had.

The crucial questions were obvious to us:

• Why did they let their love diminish?
• How could such well-meaning partners justify withholding their once-tender thoughts and feelings?
• When and how did their desire to express those kindnesses fall away?