Linda Mintle - I Married You Not Your Family: And Nine Other Relationship Myths That Will Ruin Your Marriage

I MARRIED YOU,

NOT

YOUR FAMILY

LINDA MINTLE, PhD

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I MARRIED YOU, NOT YOUR FAMILY by Linda Mintle
Published by Charisma House
A Strang Company
600 Rinehart Road
Lake Mary, Florida 32746
www.charismahouse.com

This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwisewithout prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are from the New King James Version of the Bible. Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc., publishers. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked TLB are from The Living Bible. Copyright 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.

Authors Note: All references to clients in this book come from my clinical experience over the past twenty years of conducting therapy in various states and settings around the country. Names, places, and other identifying details have been changed and altered to protect the privacy and anonymity of the composites of a number of clients who share similar issues and are equally protected with name and information changes to remain confidential. Any similarity between the names and stories of individuals described in this book and individuals known to readers is coincidental and not intentional.

Cover Designer: Judith McKittrick
Design Director: Bill Johnson
Cover photo copyright Image Source

Copyright 2008 by Linda Mintle
All rights reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Mintle, Linda.
I married you, not your family / Linda Mintle.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-59979-295-8
1. Marriage--Religious aspects--Christianity. 2. Man-woman relationships-Religious aspects--Christianity. 3. Family--Religious aspects--Christianity. I. Title.
BV835.M59 2008
248.844--dc22

2008001168

Previously published as Divorce Proofing Your Marriage by Siloam, ISBN 0-88419-732-8, copyright 2001.

08 09 10 11 12 987654321
Printed in the United States of America

Dedication

T O NORM, MY husband of thirty-three years: You have been the model of Christ in this relationship. Your unfailing love overwhelms me. Marrying you was the best decision I ever made. I love you.

To my parents, Bill and Esther Marquardt, who modeled an egalitarian relationship before it was culturally popular: You were the prototype for how a professional man and woman can live together and raise a family. Your sixty-three years of marriage is an accomplishment. Gary, Dennis, and I were blessed to grow up in a family in which divorce was never an option or a thought. Weve survived tribulationscancer, comas, the untimely death of my brother and your son, infertility, failing health, and more. I never doubted we would make it as a family.

To my aunts and uncles (six on Dads side and seven on Moms), who have also proven that marriage can last a lifetime with one partner: You have provided a legacy of marriagenot divorce.

To my in-laws, Harold and Bea Mintle: You have demonstrated Gods power through your fifty-eight years together. I have watched how Gods grace and mercy have been sufficient and how a strong foundation built on Gods Word eventually overcomes. Thanks for being loving and prayerful in-laws.

To all the couples who have honored their covenants and intimately allowed me a place in their lives: Thank you for teaching me and reminding me that marriage is a holy union held together by God.

Acknowledgments

W RITING A BOOK is an impossible task without people who love and support you. This has been an incredibly busy season in my life. It was only through the unwavering support of my husband that I even finished this project. Thank you, Norm, for running kids to ballet, soccer, and church events in order to provide me time to write. Thanks for your excellent input in editing the manuscript. You are incredible.

Thanks, Matt and Katie, for understanding that Mom needed time to write. You guys were never an interruptiononly a joy. The countdown is over! Now we go back to regular Mom stuff.

Thanks to the Charisma House team, especially Barbara Dycus and Debbie Marrie, for all the work and effort put into this project.

Contents

2 Three Key Preconditions to Keep Your Marriage
From Derailing

Truth 1: Marriage Is a Covenant
Designed by God

Truth 2: You Dont Marry Only Your Spouse
You Get a Package Deal

Truth 4: Incompatibility or Differences Do Not
Kill a Relationship. How You Work Out Those
Differences Is What Counts

Myth 5: Ive Lost That Loving Feeling,
and Its Gone, Gone, Gone!

Myth 6: A More Traditional Marriage
Will Save Us

Myth 7: I Cant Change. This Is Who I Am;
Take It or Leave It

Truth 7: I Can Change, but It Requires Desire,
Obedience, and Power

Myth 8: There Has Been an Affair.
We Need to Divorce

Truth 8: Affairs Are Serious and Damaging, but Not
Beyond Repair and Reconciliation

Myth 9: It Doesnt Matter What I Do;
God Will Forgive Me

Truth 9: Receive Gods Grace With
a Repentant Heart

Myth 10: Its Too Broken. Nothing Can Fix This
Relationship

Truth 10: Its Never Too Late Because
Nothing Is Impossible With God

R ELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD work. Conflict arises. Stress abounds. People problem-solve differently. Values vary. Expectations arent always realistic. And lets face it, most of us are still trying to figure out who we are and what we needmuch less how to deal with another person.

Even so, we move through life, longing for that perfect mate. While intimacy with God is our ultimate aim, we also desire the human experience of intimacy. Once we find our lifelong partner, the task is to build and sustain a relationship over the years. For many couples, that is an uphill battle. Either true intimacy never develops, or it breaks down over time. This book is designed to prevent that breakdown.

Too many couples split up over fixable problems. The numbers alarm me. Fixable problems usually involve two people who stop liking each other and grow apart. Living in todays world, it is easy to become confused about who you are and how your relationships are supposed to work. Your spiritual foundations can become shaky and full of cracks. When pressure comes, you crumble. You dont know what to believe or what to do.