Wendy Paris - Happily Ever After: The Fairy-tale Formula for Lasting Love

L ove is a battlefield. Men are dogs. Its a jungle out there. These common views pit men and women against each other, presenting dating as war and the road to love as a treacherous pass filled with land mines and quicksand. An hour spent in a bookstores dating section is enough to convince any single woman that shes destined to be alone forever unless she can craft the perfect strategy to land a man, employing the coquetry of a southern belle, mapped out on a battle plan devised by an army general, under the guidance of a fleet of psychologists trained in manipulation.

This popular prescription suggests that waging emotional war is the route to a peaceful union, that the only way to get a man is to make him fear he cant get you. Strategic dating implies that what you do is more important than whom you do it with, that the individual doesnt matter, that the wrong man can be sculpted into the right man if you wield your chisel right.

Theres one problem with this tactical approach to falling in love. It doesnt work.

T here isnt one strategy to finding and keeping a man. Every person is different. Each relationship evolves according to its own rules. Peoples histories and hang-ups vary. Luck and timing come into play. Fate unfolds unexpectedly. Dating is too unpredictable to be mastered with one grand plan.

Which is a lot like the world of fairy tales. Fairy tales come from prescientific times, when daily life seemed enigmatic and ever changing. Fairy-tale heroines are always finding themselves locked in towers or cast from home, required to make difficult choices based on arbitrary conditions, left to rely on people who change into animals, and vice versa.

Contrary to popular belief, fairy-tale heroines are not weak and passive. For the most part, they are noble, brave, and optimistic. Youll never find a fairy-tale heroine moping around the house, cursing the fates for having orphaned her with a jealous, shallow stepmother. Fairy-tale heroines dont waste time obsessing about whether or not they were too friendly to the handsome prince. They know their actions cant determine the behavior of others. They dont try to manipulate people or events. Instead, they focus on what they can controltheir own character. They have found the formula for success in a chaotic world: holding fast to their own beliefs, no matter what fate throws their way. Ultimately, it is their strong, unflinching moral centertheir characterthat saves them, not the prince on the white horse.

These age-old tales have a lot to teach us if we look at them in a new light. Each chapter in this book offers a new interpretation of a classic fairy tale, highlighting the ways in which the heroines maintain their moral center and end up madly in love. Fairy tales highlight the value of treating others with respect and kindness, characteristics that often seem overlooked in todays more cynical search for love.

Fairy tales also suggest a more merciful view of others and oneself than is common in todays dating world. Friends often call me with the details of their dates, sure they said the wrong thing or made a wrong move that will drive the guy away. Tales such as Thumbelina and Grace and Derek show that there is no one wrong move. People in fairy tales often make mistakes. Its impossible to be perfect when the world around you isnt. But they always learn from their mistakes, continue trying to be their best, and wind up happy in the end.

The book also includes three tales of warning that show the result of failing to follow the fairy-tale formula. While Ive pinpointed one primary piece of advice to glean from each tale, they all offer more than one lesson. You may find that a different aspect of a story relates more specifically to you and your search for your prince.

And dont let anyone tell you that the handsome prince no longer exists. As a recent rearrival on the singles scene, Ive been amazed to discover just how princelike men can be. Theres a gallantry among men that the strategic dating books dont acknowledge. There is chivalry out there, if you have the confidence to accept it and the strength to know that being treated like a princess does not make you a slave.

By taking the fairy-tale approach to datingkeeping your values and facing the vagaries of relationship building with unflinching optimism and courageyou go a long way toward ensuring that the road to your castle is smooth and that when your handsome prince comes along, youll see him.