Wendy Paris - Splitopia: Dispatches from Todays Good Divorce and How to Part Well

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A more flexible view of marriage and divorce. Proposing divorce at a wedding. Todays good divorces, revealed. Can we end our marriage, together?

What we can do to help ourselves get through: commit to self-compassion; take ownership; dont confuse filing with closure; build a tool kit; combat anger with empathy; resist the urge to compare; create positive moments.

Why the vast majority of children of divorce do well. When divorce improves parenting. How to help our children thrive: strive for stability; foster cooperation and reduce conflict; be your best parent; bring in other adults; take care of the caregiver.

The bonding effect of discussing divorce. Controlling negative feedback. Helping your parents adjust to the news. Tips for telling the children. What to say when you talk to yourself.

Why loneliness hurts. Divorce Onset Social Insecurity. How to be popular, the adult version. Rebuilding a relationship with yourself.

Stress and illness. The upside of feeling down. The new field of posttraumatic growth.

When staying too close keeps people stuck. Is this the end or just a marriage sabbatical? Letting second thoughts inspire more appreciation for today.

How making it legal can improve a relationship. Innovations that help: mediation, collaborative council, the DIY divorce. The utopia of divorce in Denver.

Rituals that create closure. The divorce ceremony. Travel as a transformative act.

Making your home your own. Moving out to move on. Could we relocate together, apart?

The benefits of a buffer period. Post-marriage dating; an endless opportunity for casual... fun? Keeping your ex out of it. Getting it right the next time.

Bad divorces turned good; decent ones gone better. The risk of not reconciling. The fairy-tale ending.

PRAISE FOR

SPLITOPIA

In Splitopia , Wendy Paris has set out not only to write the essential and supremely practical guide to the good divorce but also to change how we think and talk about the way we dissolve what were once expected to be indissoluble unions. Rather than lasting until death, Paris asks, why not see marriages as successful for lasting as long as they last? Filled with history, research on everything from child development and mediation to loneliness and resilience, and a wide array of engaging stories that themselves serve as a reminder of just how common divorce, and often the bad divorce, is, Splitopia makes a compelling case that its high time for a new definition of Happily Ever Afterfor everyone.

Brigid Schulte, author of the New York Times bestseller Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time

A good divorce is possible. Wendy Paris makes that case and explains how. Through Splitopia s compelling stories and deep research, we gain insight into marriage, separation, and life well-lived.

Shane J. Lopez, author of Making Hope Happen

A smart, thoughtful, and well-written antidote to the popular idea that divorce is a toxic event for parents and children. Think of it instead as a family reorganizationa period not just of crisis but also of opportunity for growth and development. Paris shows that a carefully planned and thoughtfully executed divorce can result in a better quality of life for parents and children. She is particularly astute in recommending that couples consider innovative options for the legal aspects of their divorce, such as mediation, unbundled legal services, and collaborative law. They help couples avoid protracted courtroom combat that can become all-consuming for them and their children, make wise choices for the future, and get on with their lives productively.

Andrew Schepard, Max Schmertz Distinguished Professor of Law; Director of the Center for Children, Families and the Law; and editor, Family Court Review , at the Maurice A. Deane School of Law at Hofstra University

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Copyright 2016 by Wendy Paris

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Atria Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Atria Books hardcover edition March 2016

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Designed by Paul Dippolito

Jacket design by Ben Wiseman

Author Photograph by Sonya Sones

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Paris, Wendy (Journalist) author.

Title: Splitopia : dispatches from todays good divorce and how to part well / Wendy Paris.

Description: First Edition. | New York : Atria Books, 2016. | Includes index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2015029939

Subjects: LCSH: Divorce. | Marriage. | Families. | BISAC: FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Divorce & Separation. | SOCIAL SCIENCE / Sociology / Marriage & Family. | FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Marriage.

Classification: LCC HQ814 .P367 2016 | DDC 306.89dc23

LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015029939

ISBN 978-1-4767-2551-2

ISBN 978-1-4767-2553-6 (ebook)

Certain names have been changed.

The lines from Rainer Maria Rilkes The Spanish Trilogy translated by Michael Hamburger are reprinted by permission from Turning-Point published by Anvil Press Poetry in 2005.

For my parents, Joy Paris and Sanford Paris, and my son, Alexander Paris-Callahan

I d been complaining about my marriage for years. When my husband and I announced our decision to separate in November of 2011, I assumed my friends would bring champagne and chocolate truffles, or at least express relief. Finally, theyd say. Youve been frustrated for ages. Good for you for doing something about it.

Instead, I got pushback. Are you sure you want to do this? Maybe youre just unhappy in your career, said a single male friend, a fellow freelancer whod been griping about work along with me for a decade.

I know a number of attractive women your age who are single and have been unable to meet anyone. This could happen to you, too, offered a happily married female friend.

This may be the last party you two throw, sniffled another married friend. We were standing around the farm table in my warm, yellow-walled kitchen, picking at the crispy edges of potato pancakes Id fried for the holidays. Kids were running up and down the stairs. My husband, who hadnt yet moved out, was drinking wine with friends in the front room. Arent you so sad? she asked.