Mira Kirshenbaum - Is He Mr. Right?: Everything You Need to Know Before You Commit

CONTENTS

To Nicolas, the new Mr. Right in my life

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

N o question about itIve never had more people to thank for any book Ive ever written. And that means Im incredibly lucky. That so many people would go so far to help me is amazing.

Im talking first about all the women, and a lot of men, too, who participated in the research for this book. You know who you are. Your generosity and honesty were spectacular.

Some of you took the time to write detailed answers to a very long, open-ended questionnaire. Your answers poured in from all over the United States and from every part of the world. A woman from Warsaw wrote thirty pages, and I wouldnt have wanted to miss a single one.

Some of you, not quite so many, participated in telephone or in-person interviews. You were busy people, and yet you never gave me less than an hour. Two hours was common. And in that time you shared amazingly personal details in an amazingly thoughtful way.

And some of you were my patients. Im honored that you came to me for help, and Im grateful for your honesty and willingness to change and grow. Sometimes you were my laboratory, as you know, and yet you trusted me.

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

And Im grateful for all the ways you came to me. Though this was not a scientifically determined random sample, I know from the things you told me about yourselves that you represent the full spectrum of women and men in America today. Many of you came to me in a viral kind of way. You passed someone on to me who passed someone on to me whoThe chains could get very long. Sometimes when I wanted to cast my net wider, I used communities like Craigslist or Soul Graffiti to generate volunteer responders. I want to thank everyone who made this possible. With Craigslist, there were times when I posted a request for responders and got flooded with volunteers immediately after the posting. It made me very happy.

Next I want to thank my partner, Dr. Charles Foster. He was responsible for most of the research, and he was my full partner, 50/50, in writing this book. This was a true and total collaborationevery word of it is as much his as it is mine. I cant thank him enough.

Speaking of the men in my life, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my agent extraordinaire, Howard Morhaim. For more than ten years, Howards experience and wisdom and generous heart have meant everything to me. It just keeps getting better.

There are a lot of wonderful people at Harmony that I need to thank.

From the moment I first laid eyes on her, Julia Pastore defined herself as someone with enormous integrity and intelligence. I feel very lucky to have Julia as my editor, and I hope we do many more books together. Shes a pleasure to work with. Thanks also to Kathryn Kennedy for keeping things going and making sure everything works well.

I want to thank Kim Meisner for launching this project. She was there at the conception, and Im very grateful to her for getting what I was trying to do and letting me run with the ball.

As always, many thanks and much affection to my generalissimo, Shaye Areheart, whos helped me and my work for over twenty years. Shaye, you really are the best.

Selina Cicogna and Kira Stevens have brought enormous energy and talent to publicity and marketing. You guys are great. And a big thanks too to Tara Gilbride for her contributions.

Many, many thanks to Dan Rembert and Laura Duffy for their beautiful, chic, and effective jacket. A home run!

Big thanks to Andrea Peabbles, who was not only a smart and careful copy editor, but who understood where I was coming from and enhanced the flavor of my work.

And finally, thanks to Jill Flaxman and all the other amazing people whove worked so hard on behalf of this book.

There are people on my team here at Chestnut Hill who I very much want to thank. Theres Christine Harbaugh, my brilliant and sweet blog and Web designer and master. Thanks for the look and functionality of all my Web sites. And a deep thank-you to the people here who make my life function and enable me to get my work done without going nutsToby Desroches, Nikki Green, and Doc Miner.

Finally, a ton of gratitude and lots of hugs and kisses to Rachel and Hannah Kirshenbaum, Michael Motta, and Dan Bernunzio, who always come through for me and who came through big time for this book.

Why I Wrote This Book, and Why You Should Read It

T oo many of us choose the wrong guys for the wrong reasons and then stay with them for too long. What a waste! Ive felt for a long time that we can do much better. The seed for this book was planted the day Michelle came to see me. Her love life was driving her crazy. For two years shed been with a guy shed hoped was the love of her life. Sometimes he made her happy. But shed finally accepted what shed been denying for too longhe was too often angry, selfish, and negative.

Mira, she said, how the hell do you know if a guy is right for you? Im so sick of wasting time in relationships that go nowhere. She sighed. Why is all this so hard? In some ways hes great. But I dont want to be with him just to end up getting divorced. And I dont want to be alone. It feels scary for me to dump a guy just because I have my doubts.

There was something about Michellebright, warm, sweet, deserving all the best that life has to offerthat touched my heart. She went on, Is there something wrong with me? My ability to trust guys is at a minimum now. Im so ashamed to be in this situation. Shouldnt I know if hes the one? She paused. Maybe I should just suck it up and commit to him.

Ill spare you the gory details, but looking back, Michelle had pretty much chosen the wrong guys the same way we might choose the wrong melons. We thump, squeeze, sniff, but we dont know what to look for. I thought, Wow, if Michelles history of choosing men is what normal gets you, what happens to those of us who are a little screwed up?

At one point I blurted out, Youve made every mistake in the book.

What book? Michelle joked.

Well, I wish there were a book, I said.

So you should write it, Michelle said. I told her Id try my best.

For years Id dreamed of a crystal ball for sizing up guys. As a therapist Ive seen thousands of women who have wasted time with guys they never shouldve committed to in the first place. It breaks my heart. And these women are just a small sampling of the millions of women in the same boat. Twenty percent of first marriages drop dead in the first five years. This is just the tip of the iceberg of the many people getting together who dont belong together. Its nuts! Why cant we identify the guy whos right for us in the first place?

So I rolled up my sleeves and set about figuring out whats most important when youre choosing someone to share your life. With the help of my partner, Dr. Charles Foster, I interviewed women who were happy with their decision to commit and those who regretted it, women from Los Angeles to New York, Seattle to Atlanta, Amsterdam to Tokyo. White, Black, Asian, Latina. Rural, urban, suburban. Gay and straight. Rich and poor. PhDs from Harvard and PhDs from the School of Hard Knocks. I heard all their war stories, all the anger and humor and pain at what theyd gone through trying to figure out if some guy was right for them. I interviewed a lot of men, too.

All that has brought forth Is He Mr. Right? This book is the crystal ball Id dreamed of. It will give you everything you need to see if