Dr. Wendy clearly knows the game inside and out, from the bed-level to the neuro-level.
JUNOT DAZ, Pulitzer Prize winner and author of This Is How You Lose Her
Dr. Walsh provides strategies, tips, and tools to help the modern-day woman find her soul mate without wasting her valuable time and precious resources on the wrong men.
DR. JENN BERMAN, host of VH1s Couples Therapy and The Love and Sex Show with Dr. Jenn on Cosmo Radio, Sirius XM
From my first conversation with Dr. Walsh, I knew she was the real deal: caring, patient, knowledgeable. This book comes from the place that makes her so specialthe HEART.
DON LEMON, host of CNN Newsroom
Dr. Walsh brings tremendous insight and intelligence to the mysteries of the modern game of mating. You will come away wiser and smarter. Its the best book Ive read this year.
DAVID M. BUSS, author of The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating
Dr. Walsh takes readers on a frank and valuable tour of how the mating market has changedand how you can improve your odds of finding lasting love.
MARK REGNERUS, coauthor of Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think About Marrying
The 30-Day Love Detox is like a GPS to help you navigate the changing complexities of gender roles, dating, marriage, relationship building, and commitment in postmodern America. If this book doesnt make you think, youre brain dead!
BRIAN F. PENDLETON, PHD, Department of Sociology, University of Akron
To my grandmother, Agnes.
Her farm-wife wisdom about men still rings true: Have them wash up before you feed them.
Contents
Acknowledgments
W ho says books are a dying art? Not the dozens of people who helped bring my ideas to life!
I have to start with my tireless, energetic, and whip-smart agent, Lacy Lynch, and the loyal team at Dupree Miller & Associates in Dallas. Jan Miller and Shannon Marven, I am indebted to you. And that happy Texas gal who answers the phones. I call your offices sometimes just to get cheered up.
Then there is my bright, risk-taking editor, Ursula Cary, who wasnt scared off by my message that runs contrary to our culture. Her wise eyes on my sometimes rambling text helped me steer the ship straight. Couldnt have done it without you. Thanks also to Hope Clarke, Elizabeth Neal, Mike Smith, Danielle Lynn, Brent Gallenberger, and the rest of the team at Rodale Inc.
And to my other hero, my research assistant, Lauren Jensen, who didnt let her graduate degree stop her from pitching in with my kids if thats what it took to get this book done. Your attention to detail (no, I didnt call you anal!) was exactly what my reference section needed and what I lack. Thanks, Lauren.
Back when I wrote for television news, a producer friend told me I had a unique talent for taking complicated scientific material and turning it into words that everyone could understand. I dont dumb ideas down. I try to make them accessible. But my talent would be useless if I were not gifted with access to some of the most brilliant minds doing often-unchampioned research behind the hallowed gates of university labs. I was thrilled and awed that so many of you took the time to take my calls and answer my e-mails to help me better understand the current state of sex and love. Thanks to David Buss, PhD; Brian Pendleton, PhD; Mark Regnerus, PhD; Omri Gillath, PhD; Sandra Metts, PhD; Anthony Paik, PhD; Dean Busby, PhD; Meg Jay, PhD; Juliet Richters, PhD; and Joan Williams, JD, of UC Hastings Law School.
I would be remiss if I didnt mention Dr. Kevin Volkan, my mentor at California State University, Channel Islands. Chatting with you always makes me feel smarter. And to all the passionate students at CSUCI who offered anecdotes and insight into todays dating market, I am grateful. And thanks to the many women who attended my wine and cheese focus groups. Your brave personal stories really helped me apply the science to real-world experiences.
Outside of the book world, I have a team that helps me in all aspects of my brand, from television and public speaking to online partnerships: Melissa Van Fleet at Ken Lindner & Associates, David McGriff at Stroock & Stroock & Levan, Brittany Sykes at Teszler P.R., Toby Sembower and Hayley Mathis at DatingAdvice.com, Jon Kroll at Popsicle Pictures, and Henry Schleiff at Investigation Discovery Network. Thank you all for your support.
To all my friends at CNN and HLN, but especially those with whom Ive worked so closely at the CNN newsroom: Jenny Cook, Richard Wybrow, Andreas Preuss, Tina Kim, and, of course, the anchor I would marry if I could, the brilliant, kind, and funny Don Lemon. I am so blessed to have all of you in my life.
And my thanks to Dr. Phil and the entire executive team at The Doctors. I am deeply grateful to Carla Pennington, Jay McGraw, and Andrew Scher.
Finally, to my daughters, Carrington and Jones, every day you bring me great joy and peace that can only come from healthy attachments. When you finally fly from my nest, I will hold you with my heart forever. This is one love relationship that will never break up.
Introduction
I wont lie. I have a relationship hangover. Its the hangover many women experience after watching endless Sex and the City reruns and movies. The lives of those fabulous women and their New York adventures are deliciously addictive but can leave you with a serious headacheand heartache. The reality is very different. The true story of single women can often feel more like a tragedy than a lighthearted romp. None of my girlfriends ended up marrying Mr. Big. None of us has the genes or moxie to vamp like Samantha. None is in a storybook family like Charlotte. And no one can afford that wardrobe!
Instead, two of my friends got the human papillomavirus and cancer that led to hysterectomies before they were able to meet a man and settle down. One friend dated a commitment phobe who strung her along for years before she got him to marry her one weekend in Vegas. He then dangled the idea of having a baby in front of her for another decade until her fertility window slammed shut. Shes divorced now, raising a dog. And plenty of other friends are struggling single mothers.
But this doesnt have to be you! You were born at the most perfect time in female human historya time of unprecedented freedom and power and a time of exploding research on sexuality and human attachment. The women before you fumbled around in the dark for dating rules and came up with mixed messages: Be free but not too free. Play hard to get and go after what you want. Keep him close by not letting him know you want a commitment. But these rules just help you play a game; they dont enable you to find the wonderfully fulfilling, committed relationship you deserve. In this book, Ill tell you the truth about love, sex, courtship, and commitment.
This book is for you no matter what your mind-set on love and marriage. You might be a progressive gal who is having fun enjoying your sexuality but wants kids in a few years, or maybe you wait to have sex until you see if hes marriage material. You could be the modern girl who doesnt believe in marriage and is unsure about kids but still gets confused when fun guys scram after great sex. Or maybe you believe in marriage and are totally frustrated by serial dating that seems to lead nowhere. This book is also for you if you have a boyfriend and dont know how to ask for sexual exclusivity or relationship definition. Maybe you have invested a couple of years in a dudeor are even living togetherwhile hes shirking conversations about the future. No matter your situation, the research in this book will make you very clear about who you are, what kind of relationship is best for you, and how to get your needs met.
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