Kevin and Lisa Cotter - Dating Detox: 40 Days of Perfecting Love in an Imperfect World

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40 Days of Perfecting Love
in an
Imperfect World

by
Lisa and Kevin Cotter

Foreword by
Jason and Crystalina Evert

Ignatius Press Augustine Institute

San Francisco Greenwood Village, CO

Ignatius Press Distribution
P.O. Box 1339
Fort Collins, CO 80522
Tel: (800) 651-1531
www.ignatius.com

Augustine Institute
6160 S. Syracuse Way, Suite 310
Greenwood Village, CO 80111
Tel: (866) 767-3155
www.augustineinstitute.org

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from
Revised Standard Version of the Bible
Second Catholic Edition (Ignatius Edition)
Copyright 2006 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the
United States of America.
Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Cover Design: Enrique J. Aguilar Pinto

2016 by Ignatius Press, San Francisco,
and the Augustine Institute, Greenwood Village, CO
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-99720-379-0 (PB)
ISBN 978-1-68149-743-3 (EB)
Library of Congress Control Number 2016955365
Printed in Canada

Dedication

To the missionaries of FOCUS:
You inspire us more than you will ever know .

Day 1: The Summit

Day 2: Accountability

Day 3: You Cant Do This

Day 4: Damaged Goods

Day 5: Triggers Day 6: The Fast

Day 7: Singleness Is Not a Disease

Discussion Questions for Week 1

Day 8: Something More

Day 9: People Are Not Things

Day 10: Your Intellect, Will, and Passions

Day 11: When Things Go Wrong

Day 12: Choices

Day 13: Virtue

Day 14: Love vs. Use

Discussion Questions for Week 2

Day 15: Writing the Rules

Day 16: How It Should Be

Day 17: Problems and Solutions

Day 18: Affection or Arousal

Day 19: XXX

Day 20: Breaking Through

Day 21: Revealing

Discussion Questions for Week 3

Day 22: Two Types of Attractions

Day 23: Projectors

Day 24: The Fake Happy World

Day 25: The Holy of Holies

Day 26: Where Our Hearts Go...

Day 27: You Dont Need a Savior

Day 28: Besties

Discussion Questions for Week 4

Day 29: Old Friends

Day 30: Whats the Point?

Day 31: Starting Over

Day 32: Letting Go

Day 33: Ben and Rosie, or Teresa and John?

Day 34: From Friends to Dating

Day 35: God Has a Plan

Discussion Questions for Week 5

Day 36: Healing

Day 37: Emptiness

Day 38: Fear

Day 39: Hope

Day 40: Celebrate

Discussion Questions for Week 6

In a recent survey of college students, both men and women had nearly double the number of hookups compared to first dates.

One young woman summed up her discontent by noting, There is no dating. Theres no relationships.... Theyre rare. You can have a fling that could last like seven, eight months and you could never actually call someone your boyfriend. [Hooking up] is a lot easier. No one gets hurtwell, not on the surface.

Whats going on?

Why is there such a disconnect between what we want and what we settle for?

If we want love, why do we often settle for less?

Over the last twenty years, we have had the blessing to speak on the topics of dating and chastity to young adults across the globe. After every presentationwhether in Australia, England, South Africa, or the Philippinesthe students always ask us one thing: I want to live this message, but what should I do now? How do I stay strong?

As you know, its useless to know your destination if you dont know which route to take. Having a goal in mind is noble, but if you dont know how to achieve it, it will remain only a sentimental hope. The same is true when it comes to authentic human love. We need a map, a guide, a blueprint. Otherwise, its easy to feel discouraged, intimidated, and lost.

If youve ever heard a great talk or read a great book on purity and love, but within a few months (or hours) felt that the ideals seem unattainable, then this book is for you. Whether you hear wedding bells in your near future or you wonder in frustration when the right person will enter your life, the advice in here will prove to be a useful manual for developing your capacity to love. Kevin and Lisa offer a wealth of practical strategies through their own experiences and the raw and honest testimonies of other young adults. The beauty of these stories is that they show how Gods plan for our lives (and our love lives) is not ruined even though we often make an impressive mess out of it! To one extent or another, weve all been poisoned by the cultures false ideas of love, dating, and sexuality. No one is unscathed, and we could all use a good detox.

True love isnt about finding the perfect person but about weeding out our own imperfections so that we can be free to love. If you are willing to dedicate yourself to this process, then youre actively engaged in marriage preparationeven if you havent met your future spouse yet! In fact, marriage preparation that begins with the engagement is not true marriage preparation; its triage. To build a love that lasts, a solid foundation needs to be established now. If youre not sure where to begin, just turn the page and keep on turning for the next forty days. In the meantime, know that we (and the authors of this book) have already been praying for you.

God bless you ,
Jason and Crystalina Evert

Kathryn was nervous. If you were in her position, youd probably be nervous, too. On that blistering hot day in central Florida, she had come to a dorm lounge to share her story with me (Lisa). As I looked at the beautiful, blond-haired, blue-eyed sorority girl sitting across from me, I couldnt help but feel a bit nervous myself. I knew what she had come to share with me was deeply personal and might not be easy to tell.

These daily meetings had become a part of my routine as my husband, Kevin, and I began our adventure of writing a book together. Before we put pen to paper, we first desired to spend time listeninglistening to the stories of brave souls like Kathryn.

Kathryn began by taking me back to her sophomore year, when she started dating Austin. At first everything was perfect. Having a boyfriend made her feel great, as if she mattered to somebody. Things couldnt have been better.

However, as their relationship began to get physical, Kathryn started to feel uncomfortable. From a young age she had wanted to save sex for marriage, but this was a decision that Austin did not understand. In a campaign to persuade Kathryn to change her mind, he began to challenge her to give him concrete reasons why they shouldnt do it. Despite her best explanations, she could never come up with anything that convinced Austin.

Dos and Donts

Over Christmas break, Kathryn attended a Catholic young adult conference that a friend had invited her to. While there, she went to a talk on the dos and donts of dating. As she listened, excitement started to mount up in her as she finally found the answers she was sure Austin had been looking for. Returning home with copious notes and great enthusiasm, she could hardly wait to share everything with her boyfriend. However, as she relayed each reason for saving sex for marriage, her heart sank further and further as Austin just rolled his eyes and told her that everything she was saying was stupid and invalid.

Kathryn told me, I felt very inferior to him. He made me believe it was all a silly notion, and two weeks later things went back to how they were before the conference.

Now that Kathryn had abandoned her talk of saving sex, Austin felt triumphant and continued to pressure her to sleep with him. By Valentines Day, his victory was achieved as worn-out Kathryn finally gave up and lost her virginity to him.