Catherine Auman - Tantric Dating: Bringing Love and Awareness to the Dating Process

It was a major birthdayone of those years when you take stock of if youre where you want to be. In most areas of life, I had to admit I was doing great: successful in my chosen career, great health, lovely friends, a cute apartment, financially stablemost of the things that everyone wantsexcept for the only thing that had ever really matteredbeing in a soulmate relationship with my Perfect Beloved.

Not that I hadnt tried. Ever since I first discovered boys (outside my brother) in kindergarten, Id been trying. After countless blind dates, bad dates and bad boys, relationship advice books and columns, online and in-person dating, an early foray (a bit unwillingly) into free love culture, endless hours of therapy, many, many relationships and two failed marriages, I had to admit: I was a Dating Disaster.

I recounted all this to a long-time friend in the Bay Area who asked how she could support me. Since she was actively involved in online dating, I suggested we cheerlead each other a couple times a week. We began chatting frequently late at night, reviewing dates and deciphering texts. Then she promptly met someone and with that, I was alone again.

I made the decision to go for it. Really go for it this time, no matter what. I was going to get to the bottom of this and become a Master of Dating and Relationships. I decided to hack dating once and for all, whatever it took. And for me, it took a lot.

Sitting on my couch on Saturday nights, watching Netflix while sipping a glass of wine wasnt working. I needed to get into action. I joined five online dating sites and over twenty Meetups (which is great because you are always getting invitations in your inbox). I downloaded an app which had a calendar of all the art openings in town and ventured out to art gallery openings (free wine and intriguing hipsters). I went back to therapy to complete some still-unfinished business from childhood (I had been in therapy a lot, but still sometimes when you come from a difficult childhood it takes a while), and hired a coach. An unusual dating coachI hired a Pickup Artist.

I had read The Game back in the 00s and realized those guys know a lot that is not taught in girl game (dating) books which overall are pretty lame. Id always been a bit shy and afraid to go up and speak to a man I found attractive, and pickup coaching got me over all that.

With the help of my coach I began going out in the field, meaning into real life where men might be hanging out. I went to anything I could think of to meet men, mostly dead ends. Little by little my dating skills improved, and the men I was attracting grew closer and closer to my hearts longing. Dating actually became fun, and I played in the field enjoying my new freedom.

I went on over 150 online first dates, followed by second and third dates, and sometimes it seemed to be working out. I met 2-3 men a week, sometimes 2-3 in a day. I made myself go out: Meetups, gallery openings, singles events, networking events, Green Drinks, poetry readings, museum outings, and basically every time I went to Trader Joes. I traveled with wing-girls and without and challenged myself to approach men I found interesting. I created little games for when I was discouraged (which was often), such as before I went to sleep, I needed to contact 10 guys online. Usually 2 would get back. I made progress in therapy, and worked hard with my coach.

One question always nagged me though, how did all of this coexist with my spiritual life?

You see, Id lived at the Osho ashram in India for a year, a full-time immersion in tantra and meditation. The way potential lovers met there was very different than in the conventional world. People there were friends first, and after that would see if a sexual friendship was possible. In our contemporary dating scene in the West, the friend zone is considered death. At the ashram, and in tantra, the Friend Zone is exactly where you want to be. Only if you and your lover are friends will you establish the trust and intimacy necessary for good sex and a good relationship to happen.