Mary Beth Bonacci - Real Love: Answers to Your Questions on Dating, Marriage and the Real Meaning of Sex

Real Love

Mary Beth Bonacci

Answers Your Questions
on Dating, Marriage and
the Real Meaning of Sex

Revised and Updated

IGNATIUS PRESS SAN FRANCISCO

Cover by Roxanne Mei Lum

First edition, ISBN 0-89870-613-0
1996, 2012 Mary Beth Bonacci
All rights reserved
First edition, 1996
Second edition, 2012
ISBN 978-1-58671-339-5
Library of Congress Control Number 2011926405
Printed in the United States of America

To the late Lewis Barbato, M.D.,
who helped me understand human nature

Love

Sex and Marriage

Chastity

Teen Pregnancy

Abortion

Contraception

STIs and AIDS

Safe Sex

Premarital Bonding

Sex in Unmarried Relationships

The First Time

Rape

Should We Get Married ?

Sex and Depression

Guilt

Breaking the Bond

Love = Sex ?

Ready for Sex

Chastity Is Real Love

Living Together

Sexual Compatibility

Engagement

Is Sex Bad or Great ?

Hooking Up

Marriage-Just for Sex ?

Remarriage

Single Adults

Never MarriedNo Sex ?

Marital Chastity

The Church and Contraception

Artificial Insemination

Divorce and Annulment

Homosexuality

Not Worthy of Real Love ?

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right

In Love but Miserable ?

Love or Infatuation ?

Love at First Sight

Does He Love You ?

Love or Just Sexual Attraction ?

In Lovebut Not with Your Spouse

Using

Chastity and Virginity

Sin and Forgiveness

Starting Over

Healing the Hurt

Healing the Relationship

Can We Be Friends ?

I Got Drunk

Unforgiving Friends

He Had Sex with Someone Else

Sex and Your Future Spouse

I Cant Stop

Sexual Addiction

Too Late ?

How Far Is Too Far ?

Fantasy, Pornography and Masturbation

Dressing for Chastity

Chastity Guidelines

Occasions of Sin

Sex and Alcohol

Sleeping Together

Dealing with Desire

Saying No

Explicit Questions

Date Rape

Getting Out

College

Sexually Active Friends

Holding Out for Good Guys

Emotions

Sexual Peak

Teasing

Does He Like Me?

Men Who Respect Sex and the Women Who Love Them

Men Who Lie about Sex

Why Dont They Treat Us Better ?

WomenWhat Do They Want in a Man ?

Dating

Flirting

The Perfect Man or Woman ?

Ill Change Him!

Healthy Relationships

Too Busy to Date

Opposite-Sex Friends

Falling in Love with a Friend

Breaking Up

Suicide Threats

Old Love vs. New Love

No Boyfriend = No Love?

How Many Sexually Active Teens ?

Teen Mothers

Going to Do It Anyway

Too Young

Teens in Love ?

Sex Education

Interest in Sex

Teen Dating

Parents

The Internet

The Media

Peer Pressure

Thanks to Tony Sbrana for first coining the term pizza love. This is probably the last time hell make the mistake of sharing a good idea with me.

Thanks to the late John Harvey, O.S.F.S., founder of Courage, for his extremely valuable insights and assistance on the homosexuality questions.

Thanks to Pattie Philibosian for taking the time to read and edit yet another of my manuscripts.

Thanks to Tom Booth for taking my work seriously enough to think about it even while driving and for consequently coming up with a book title that everyone could agree on.

Thanks to Mike Flach of the Arlington Catholic Herald , John Mallon of the Sooner Catholic and Peter Droege of the Denver Catholic Register for publishing much of this work in column form.

Thanks to all of my family and friends, and particularly my parents, Leo and Lavina Bonacci, for their unflagging support of my work.

Thanks to the parents, educators, administrators and concerned citizens who have brought me to speak in their cities and schools over the past ten years. The organizers work much harder than the speaker, and my work would not be possible without them.

Most important, a personal thanks to the thousands of teens and single adults who have submitted questions and comments to me. Your input and insights have shaped my work far more than you could ever realize.

When I was a senior in college, I attended a lecture series on a subject that, at the time, had not been receiving much attention on college campusesor anywhere else. That subject was chastity.

Up to that time, I had always been a nice Catholic girl. I knew the Church forbade premarital sex, and I had complied. I had even become fairly adept at the Im not that kind of girl speech. But I wasnt exactly sure why . I knew it had something to do with not getting pregnant and not going to hell. ( Youre a nice boy, and Im sure sex is fun if you say it is. But forever is a very long time, and I dont want to spend it in a climate quite so warm. ) Of course, these arent bad reasons to abstain, but neither do they give the whole story.

Like every unmarried Christian, I had struggled with questions. How far is too far? How do I know when I am in love? How do I say no nicely? When should I break up with someone? How should I break up with someone? Why does the Church teach what she does?

Like most people, I found far too few answers.

I had rarely even heard the word chastity. I was familiar with the term abstinence, and that was what I was practicing. The problem with abstinence, of course, was that I didnt really see anything positive about it, aside from avoiding the more unpleasant realities of teen pregnancy and eternal damnation.

Thus, what I heard my senior year in those chastity talks enthralled me. The word chastity brought my understanding of the gift of sexuality to a whole new level. This was not just about avoiding unpleasant consequences. This was a complete owners manual for our bodies. This was about understanding, finding and living love!

Human sexuality is a giftan incredible, beautiful, precious gift from God. I had certainly heard that in vague terms before, but no one had ever brought the reality home to me as did this series of talks. Like any gift, sexuality is designed for use in a certain contextin this case, in the context of a loving marriage. In that context, it is an incredible instrument of the transmission of Gods own love and life. Outside of that context, it can be damaged, and it can cause damage. I certainly didnt have to look far to see that kind of damage.

After that talk, I began to look around me and to assess what I had been seeing over the past years. I saw the damage right there in my own generation. But those who were abstaining seemed to be doing betterand not just in avoiding pregnancy and disease. Love was going better. Relationships were going better. They were more easily able to leave when things were not working out. There was less turmoil in their lives. They were happier .

I had discovered the difference between chastity and mere abstinence. Abstinence is negative. It is about what you dont do. Chastity is positive. It is a virtue. It is about understanding and living real love, not just in dating, but in every area of life.

Real love seeks not just to satisfy itself. In real love, we look out for what is best for the other. That is what chastity helps us to doto understand the precious gift of sexuality, and to respect it in ourselves and others, so that we can really love each other instead of using each other. That kind of lovereal, honest, self-giving loveis rare in this day and age.

At the time I realized all of this, I was working with pregnant teenagers at a pregnancy center. I kept thinking, If only I had talked to you two months ago. It was so clear to me that their sexual activity was fueled by an unfulfilled desire for real love. I was tired of dealing with the consequences. I wanted to get to the root of the problem.