Kirshenbaum - I love you but I dont trust you: the complete guide to restoring trust in your relationship

This book, based on so much experience and wisdom, will be tremendously useful for millions of people in relationships where trust has been damaged. I found important insights and suggestions everywhere.

Pepper Schwartz, author of Love Between Equals

If you want to find your way back to the people you love, this book is a must-read. It offers a step-by-step map for rebuilding trust and helping you find peace within.

Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting

Mira Kirshenbaum gives us hope when the inevitable crises of betrayal besiege our most important relationships. With profound clarity and sensitivity, she guides us on a path toward surprisingly effective healing.

Rabbi Ted Falcon, PhD, spiritual therapist
and coauthor of Religion Gone Astray

Practical and helpful a complete guide to rebuilding damaged trust. Kirshenbaum shows us how hurts and challenges people struggle with can be overcome. A convincingly hopeful book to overcome the despair of mistrust.

Eva Fogelman, PhD, author of the Pulitzer Prize
nominee Conscience and Courage

Mira Kirshenbaum is a steady guide through the muddy waters of heartbreak and betrayal, offering sound strategies for making good decisions in tough times.

Dr. Dorothy Firman, author Engaging Life:
Living Well with Chronic Illness

A path-breaking book on restoring trust in relationships. A wonderful read based on deeply felt experiences.

Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD, author of How Can I Forgive You?

This practical must-read book is for anyone who has ever suffered the hurt and pain of mistrust. Kirshenbaums gifted insights are profound and they show you how to restore trust with your closest loved ones.

Lee Raffel, MSW, author of I Hate Conflict!

I Love You But I Dont Trust You is not just about recovering from infidelity, but is relevant for anyone who has been deeply wronged. Mira has a brilliant ability to teach people how to approach each other in ways that are minimally inflammatory in what is otherwise an emotional minefield.

Val Jones, MD, award-winning writer and CEO of Better Health

Mira Kirshenbaum has hit another one out of the park. Her no-nonsense approach offers thoughtful, practical step-by-step methods to assess whether and how to rebuild the trust in your relationship.

Diana Mercer, JD, coauthor, Making Divorce Work

[An] in-depth understanding of how we are affected when trust is broken and how we can heal and grow stronger when our hearts are shattered. This is [for] anyone who longs for intimacy and has not known how to keep it alive in the face of a trust broken.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, EdD, PhD, author of The Curse of the Capable

As a man I found I Love You but I Dont Trust You to be a real eye-opener. I usually figuredlike many other menthat if you sincerely say that youre sorry for mistakes that everything would be okay afterward. But after reading this book, Ive found that there is much more to understand about genuine trust. This book is definitely one that every couple needs on their bookshelf to refer to often because a big mistake in this area may destroy a once-great love forever!

Steve Nakamoto, author of Talk Like a Winner!

[Kirshenbaum] gives brave advice for overcoming the devastating effects of betrayed trust, and gives hope that we actually might be able to salvage and repair important relationships. A much-needed guidebook to trustthe essential building block of all relationships.

Carol Evans, president, Working Mother Media

Kirshenbaums clear-eyed, heartfelt, and down-to-earth advice is a blueprint for how to heal the pain of a betrayal, restore lost trust to your relationship, and make it stronger and better than ever before.

Diane Guernsey, executive editor of Pulse magazine

T HE C OMPLETE G UIDE
TO R ESTORING T RUST IN
Y OUR R ELATIONSHIP

Mira Kirshenbaum

THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the author nor the publisher assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

Copyright 2012 by Mira Kirshenbaum

Cover design by Diana Kolsky

Book design by Tiffany Estreicher

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the authors rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

BERKLEY is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

The B design is a trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

PUBLISHING HISTORY

Berkley trade paperback edition / February 2012

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Kirshenbaum, Mira.

I love you, but I dont trust you / Mira Kirshenbaum.

p. cm.

EISBN: 9781101560044

1. Man-woman relationships2. Trust.3. Betrayal.I. Title.

HQ801.K56572012

155.6453dc23 2011028874

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

To all of us: Because, in spite of how hurt we are,
in spite of how often we screw up, we still keep trying as best
we can to create a world where trust makes sense.

I KNOW . Y OU FEEL SO HURT , so scared, so angry. Theres nothing worse than when someone betrays you and you feel you cant trust them. You cant imagine its possible that you would ever trust that person again, and at this moment you may not even want to try.