Gregory L. Jantz Ph.D. - Rebuilding Trust after Betrayal: Hope and Help for Broken Relationships

Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal:
Hope and Help for Broken Relationships
2021 Gregory L. Jantz
Published by Aspire Press
An imprint of Tyndale House Ministries
Carol Stream, Illinois
www.hendricksonrose.com

ISBN 978-162862-989-7

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Introduction

No matter how much hurt you are enduring and no matter how heartbroken you feel, there is hope.

You can cling to hope that you will not only survive , but will go on to thrive .

That is the message woven throughout these pages. My encouragement to cling to hope is not a pipe dream or a pep talk. It is a real-life conviction based on my thirty years of working as a mental-health professional treating a wide variety of serious issues, including addiction, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, and relationship problems.

Along the way, I have encountered countless instances of betrayal, where one person broke the trust of another and severely tested the limits that a close relationship can withstand when loyalty is compromised. When an act of dishonesty or disloyalty occurs, the relationship of those affected is turned upside down, shaken to the core.

In fact, when I discuss the topic of betrayal, I often use the metaphor of an earthquake rocking a persons world. Just like an actual earthquake, betrayal usually surfaces suddenly and dramatically, jolting you into a state of high anxiety and deep distress. The convulsion can bring numerous aftershocks that continue to rumble long after the initial impact.

When we use the word betrayal, our minds usually think first about infidelity within a marriage or other romantic relationship. This is indeed a devastating form of betrayal and is the primary focus in this book, but that certainly is not the only kind of disloyalty. Betrayal can also include:

• A close friend who undermines your relationship with lies, gossip, or manipulation.
• An addicted person who continually deceives family members and friends to support the compulsive behavior.
• A business or ministry associate whose misconduct jeopardizes the organization and leaves colleagues and partners in shock.
• A person in authority who violates the trust of someone under his or her care.
• A family member who steals from or swindles parents, siblings, or other related individuals.

These and other heart-rending incidents cause you to feel deeply shaken, if not completely shattered. I agree with psychologist Steven Stosny who says:

Intimate betrayal strikes at the core of our capacity to trust and love, violating the fundamental expectation that gives us the courage to connect deeplythe belief that the person we love wont intentionally hurt us. Whether the betrayal is through infidelity, emotional abuse, verbal aggression, or domestic violence, the psychological wound that cuts deepest is the perception that, ultimately, the person we love doesnt care about our well-being. When humans feel betrayed, we tend to withdraw from contact or furiously lash out in distress, just as do other mammals suffering intense pain.

As I have worked with people crestfallen by an act of betrayal, I have been reminded of three essential points:

1. Betrayal, especially from someone close, is one of the most devastating experiences a person can endure.

   There is simply no sugarcoating itbetrayal cuts to the core and hurts deeply. Usually, the closer the betrayer is to you, the more profound the hurt will be. Working through betrayal and repairing the damage will be one of the hardest things youll do in life. It will take courage, perseverance, resilience, inner strength, and clear thinking.

2. Hope is a powerful ally in the quest to work through heartache and restore a damaged relationship.

   Other factors are also essential to achieve healing, such as wise counsel, difficult conversations, support from friends, and maintaining boundaries. But I believe that hope is the indispensable quality that allows you to overcome doubts and press forward to a bright future.

God provides the strength, guidance, and peace to overcome your current heartache and regain joy.

1. God is the ultimate restorer, healer, and rebuilder of broken dreams.

   As a person of faith, I am convinced that God wants each person to be fulfilled, enjoy rewarding relationships, and grow into their full potential. Broken relationships and dashed dreams will plummet you to the depths of despairbut you dont need to stay there forever. God provides the strength, guidance, and peace to overcome your current heartache and regain joy. As Scripture assures us, The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast (1 Peter 5:10).

Please notice what I have not said: I have not promised your broken relationship will be repaired. Not all situations warrant the rebuilding of trust. This book will help you evaluate which category your relationship belongs in, as well as giving you the tools to heal.

In the pages ahead, well take a hard look at a hard topic. Well explore how betrayal shakes the foundation of your relationship and perhaps your entire life. More important, well discuss how you can begin to pick up the pieces and move toward healing.

Amid crisis, choosing hope will sustain you and strengthen you for the journey to come. I encourage you to hold on to the slightest amount of hope you possess. In time, you will find that the smallest seed of hope can blossom into confidence, optimism, and faith.

Chapter One

On Saturday morning, Kaylee poured herself a cup of coffee and settled into one of the chairs on the back deck. She wanted to enjoy a few moments of calm before her husband and six-year-old son returned from their walk to the park a few blocks away. It was a favorite Saturday morning ritual for Rob and Tylerand Kaylee too, since it gave her a little time to herself.