Dr. Jane Greer - How Could You Do This to Me?: Learning to Trust After Betrayal

A hardcover edition of this book was originally published in 1997 by
Doubleday. It is here reprinted by arrangement with Doubleday.

How Could You Do This to Me? Copyright 1997 by Dr. Jane Greer and Margery Rosen. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher. For information, address:
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The Library of Congress has catalogued the hardcover edition as:

Greer, Jane, 1951
How could you do this to me? : learning to trust after betrayal /
Jane Greer with Margery D. Rosen. 1st. ed.
p. cm.
1. Trust (Psychology) 2. BetrayalPsychological aspects.
3. Interpersonal relations. I. Rosen, Margery D. II. Title.
BF575.T7G74 1997
158.2dc20 96-23189

eISBN: 978-0-307-79831-2

v3.1

TO MY HUSBAND, MARC,
FOR NEVER MISSING THE MOMENT

As a psychotherapist, I consider it my first priority to safeguard the confidentiality of my patients and interview subjects. In the interest of protecting their privacy, I have changed the names of all persons mentioned in the book, except the psychologists and other theorists quoted. I have also altered the details of peoples livestheir professions, family backgrounds, and other potentially identifying circumstances.

I have had the opportunity to meet and work with a variety of people through my practice, the seminars I teach, and the television shows on which I appear. They have shared their stories of betrayal, their hurt, and pain, hoping to understand what they went through and, most important, to heal. Their experiences are the foundation of this book, and I want to thank them for letting me into their lives. My hope is that I provided some shelter from the storm and some guidance that can protect them from now on.

No project can be completed without the support of many. I want to express my deepest appreciation and gratitude to the following people for making this book possible.

Margery Rosen is the quintessential writing partner. Her enthusiasm and belief in this project fueled it from the start; her zest, spirit, and tenacity sustained it; and her wealth of talent made this book a labor of love.

Without my agent, Geri Thoma, whose conviction of once more with feeling prevailed, this project would not have happened.

My editor, Lori Lipsky, gave her enthusiastic response and commitment to this book, from the get-go to the finish.

My colleague and treasured friend for all seasons, Dr. Josie Palleja, is an eternal part of my heart and family. Thanks for your unbounding love, friendship, steady nurturance, encouragement, and constant gems of wisdom that see me through every facet of my life.

I also thank my forever friend Kathy Pomerantz, for sharing your technicolor love and laughter. Whenever it counts most, youre always there. You are my true cielo blue pal. What would I do without you?

Louise DuArt, my dearest buddy and All-Star Therapy partner, thanks for being in the right place at the right time, and bringing your love and friendship into my life. Heres to a lifetime of get the bags.

Thanks also to my friend Lesley Krupnik. With your incredible finishing touch, you always help me pull everything together. You are my guardian angel.

A heartfelt thank you as well to:

My dear friend and colleague Dr. Sonya Rhodes; you remain an inspiration.

Charles Cook, for your trusted friendship and for always taking the time to care.

Laura Merini, for the opportunity to appear on the television program that gave birth to the idea of this book.

Roz Linder, for your generous help with shared experiences.

I cant begin to thank my family enough. My brother, for giving me a lifelong musical medley of love. Because of you, I can always cross that bridge when we come to it.

My Aunt Ruth. Your presence is always with me.

My parents unconditional love and support make it all possible. Thanks, Mom, for giving me strength through all your encouragement; for being with me through every success; for seeing me through every defeat; and for making me who I am today through all your love. Dad, thanks for teaching me that it pays to never take no for an answer, never give up, and most especially for always coming through for me.

And finally, I thank my life partner in love and work, Marc Snowman, for your belief, for your generosity of heart, for a million shared laughs that smooth the rough edges, for your unwavering support on all fronts, and for always being there to help me find my way.

Time and again, people you love, respect, and count onlovers, family, friends, or colleaguesbehave in ways that wound you deeply, shake your faith in them and in yourself, and tear at the fabric of your relationships. Its not easy for anyone to live with betrayal, large or small. Though you may understand it intellectually, emotionally you are scalded by the broken trust.

Mention the word trust or betrayal, and most people think immediately of sexual infidelity. While an affair is certainly a devastating betrayal of trust, it is only one of the many types of betrayals I will deal with in this book. Some betrayals are deliberate; others, unplanned. They are triggered by words said and actions taken, as well as by those which remain unspoken and covert. A betrayer may openly deceive by taking obvious stabs at your character or status. He may tell you one thing but do something else, or pretend to care while neglecting your well-being and polluting your trust with omissions and lies. Or he may betray in a way that is subtle and hard to pinpoint, by tacitly agreeing to anothers negative opinion of you, or simply by failing to be there for you when you fully anticipate that he will.