The Science of Trust
Emotional Attunement for Couples
John M. Gottman, PhD
W. W. Norton & Company
New York London
A Norton Professional Book
For Love in a Time of Conflict from TO BLESS THE SPACE BETWEEN US:
A BOOK OF BLESSINGS by John ODonohue, copyright 2008 by John ODonohue.
Used by permission of Doubleday, a division of Random House, Inc.
Copyright 2011 by John M. Gottman
All rights reserved
For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to Permissions, W. W. Norton & Company, Inc., 500 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10110
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Gottman, John Mordechai.
The science of trust: emotional attunement for couples / John M. Gottman.
p. cm.(A Norton professional book)
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN: 978-0-393-70595-9
1. Marriage. 2. Married peoplePsychology. 3. Trust. 4. Betrayal. 5. Man-woman relationships. 6. Communication in marriage. I. Title.
HQ734.G71358 2011
155.645dc22
2011000432
W. W. Norton & Company, Inc., 500 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10110
www.wwnorton.com
W. W. Norton & Company Ltd., Castle House, 75/76 Wells Street, London W1T 3QT
This book is dedicated to my mother, Lina, who really should have been running a small country. Her insight into people, her huge sense of humor (once, when angry with me, she called me a son of a bitch, paused a beat, and then immediately started laughing), her strong moral sense, her loyalty, her great capacity to love without conditions, and her courage have been a model for my life.
This book is also dedicated to John Thibaut, Hal Kelley, and Caryl Rusbult. These three pioneers in interdependence theory will be gravely missed.
Contents
The subtitle of chapter 2 was thought of by Jim Davis (August 2010), who kindly gave me permission to use it.
Acknowledgments
Almost all of my work for the past four decades has been made possible by a miraculous lifelong collaboration with my best friend, Robert W. Levenson, who was also the best man at my wedding. Nothing can compare with this great blessing of friendship, love, and camaraderie that has endured and enriched our lives for so many years. Based on learning and laughter, Bob and I have enjoyed the great gift of deep and lasting friendship. At every talk I give, I acknowledge Bobs contribution. This book, however, was written without Bobs careful and insightful eye, so if theres anything wrong with it, I take all the blame.
I want to thank my good friend Rafael Lisitsa for reading a draft of this book and being totally honest with me. Rafael has been a great source of wisdom and advice, and a great traveling companion over the years. Together we try to figure out how our world has gotten into such a mess and what to do about it. I also want to thank my two closest colleagues and friends in the couples therapy area. Both of them read an early draft of my manuscript and gave me extremely valuable feedback and support. Sue Johnson and Dan Wile are amazing thinkers and great teachers. I keep learning from their wisdom and their tireless search for truth about couples. I dont know what I would do if I didnt have them to talk to and learn from.
I would like to acknowledge the important interactions I have had over the years with my dearest colleagues Steve Asher, Carolyn and Philip Cowan, Paul Ekman, Jean Goldsmith, Mavis Hetherington, Susan Johnson, James Murray, Bill Pinsof, Ross Parke, Steve Porges, Ed Tronick, Dan Wile, and Jeff Zeig.
I would like to acknowledge the work of my many talented students, laboratory staff, and colleagues over the years. They have all made this work possible. They are: Julia Babcock, Guy Bodenmann, Renay Bradley, Kim Buehlman, Sybil Carrere, Jim Coan, Julian Cook, Jani Driver, Sharon Fentiman, Dan Friend, Bill Griffin, Carole, Hooven, Dirk Jager, Vanessa Kahen-Johnson, Neil Jacobson, Lynn Katz, Itziar Luzarraga, Tara Madhyastha, Howard Markman, Kim McCoy, James Murray, Eun Young Nahm, Cliff Notarius, Jennifer Parkhurst, Regina Rushe, Joanne Wu Shortt, Cathryn Swanson, Kristin Swanson, Amber Tabares, and Dan Yoshimoto. Its been a long and a very great ride, and I am grateful for all their hard work and creative energy. I have been very lucky.
I would like to acknowledge the vast contributions of my wife and long-time collaborator in work, and in life, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. I actually finally got to have a great relationship, instead of just studying them. Thankfully, after a while it became hard to recall who invented what in our collective work trying to help couples and train clinicians. Her strength, intuition, imagination, and keen intellect have been so vastly enriching. I cherish her.
The Gottman Institute, which we founded with our good friend and trusted colleague Etana Kunovsky about 16 years ago, has been a vital fountain of sustained support. Etana has been the spinal cord and brain of our organization for all these years, and she has bailed us out many times. Whenever I present at a talk or workshop, I think about how lucky I am to have Etanas steadfast support. What professor has an entire energetic company and an enthusiastic, hardworking staff to support him? For all their tireless work and dedication I would like to thank Zoya Bhan, Jaime Bradley, Kristi Content, Lee Culverwell, Belinda Gray, Allie Guerrero, Kyle Morrison, Beverly Parnell, Michelle Plackett, Kate Ramsburgh, Ann Scranton, Carol Snyder, Stacy Walker, Cynthia Williams, and Linda Wright.
Our therapists have been also been a source of understanding and inspiration. I would like to thank and acknowledge our Gottman-Certified Therapists and colleagues Lisa Baker-Wilson, Christina Choi, Peck Cho, Connie Foits, Ken Fremont-Smith, Marcia Gomez, Andy Greendorfer, Barbara Johnstone, Bob Navarra, Dave Penner, Michael Rediger, Trudy Sackey, Ruth Saks, Maureen Sawyer, John Slattery, Olea Smith-Kaland, Terry Sterrenberg, Lawrence Stoyanowski, Mirabai Wahbe, Darren Wilk, Pat Worthy, Lynda Vorhees, and Ray Varlinsky.
I would also like to thank my steady sources of research funding, the National Institute of Mental Health, for grants and a 20-year Research Career Scientist Award, The Kirlin Foundation, The Talaris Research Institute, Mathematica, and the Federal Administration of Children and Families.
Research is an expensive and slow enterprise, and these friends and patrons make it all possible.
So many people contribute to make an effort like this possible, and the greatest of all these contributions are those of our valiant research subjects, who volunteered for the sake of science and helping others. I am forever grateful.
John Gottman
Deer Harbor, Orcas Island, WA
For Love In A Time of Conflict
When the gentleness between you hardens
And you fall out of your belonging with each other,
May the depths you have reached hold you still.
When no true word can be said, or heard,
And you mirror each other in the script of hurt,
When even the silence has become raw and torn,
May you hear again an echo of your first music.
When the weave of affection starts to unravel
And anger begins to sear the ground between you,
Before this weather of grief invites
The black seed of bitterness to find root,
May your souls come to kiss.
Now is the time for one of you to be gracious,
To allow a kindness beyond thought and hurt,
Reach out with sure hands
To take the chalice of your love,
And carry it carefully through this echoless waste