Tim Downs - Fight Fair: Winning at Conflict without Losing at Love

Praise for Fight Fair!

Conflict is common to all marriages. What MOST marriages dont have is a blueprint for resolving conflict when it occurs. Tim and Joy not only share with you THE most effective blueprint, but they will give you the practical tools and coaching needed in marriages today. Buy and apply this book! Itll revolutionize your relationship.

Dr. Dennis Rainey
President, Family Life

All couples fight. Tim and Joy Downs offer inspirational and doable coaching for couples who want to strengthen their love in the midst of inevitable conflict.

Dr. Tim Kimmel
Author of Grace Based Parenting

WINNING AT CONFLICT

WITHOUT LOSING

AT LOVE

M OODY P UBLISHERS
CHICAGO

2003, 2010 BY
T IM AND J OY D OWNS

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the New American Standard Bible, Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked Niv are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked T HE M ESSAGE are from The Message, copyright by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995. Used by permission of Nav Press Publishing Group.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189, U.S.A. All rights reserved. Published in association with the literary agency of Alive Communications, Inc., 7680 Goddard Street, Suite 200, Colorado Springs, Colorado 80920.

Edited by Cheryl Dunlop (2003) and Pam Pugh (2010) Interior and cover design: Smartt Guys design

L IBRARY OF C ONGRESS C ATALOGING - IN -P UBLICATION D ATA
Downs, Tim.
Fight fair! : winning at conflict without losing at love / Tim and Joy Downs.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN: 978-0-8024-1428-1
1. Marriage-Religious aspectsChristianity 2. Conflict managementReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Downs, Joy. II. Title.

BV835.D685 2003
306.872dc21

2003007613

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For Tommy, Erin, and Kelsey

When you marry one day,
may you be humble in victory,
gracious in defeat,
generous to a fault,
and thankful for all that God has given you.
Remember, The greatest of all arts
is the art of living together.

We love you.

1

T ry to imagine a game without rules.

Imagine a game of poker where one player holds five cards, but another holds eighteen. Imagine a game of Monopoly where you can rob the bank, break out of jail, and burn your opponents hotels. Imagine a baseball game where the batter keeps the bat with him as he rounds the bases, just to break up that annoying double play at second base. Or how about a game of Scrabble where you can make up any word you like?

Most games work better with a few guiding principles in place. You would have to search far and wide to find a sport, a game, or even a simple contest with no rules whatsoever.

But there is one.

Whats this? a husband demands, tossing a receipt onto the kitchen table.

Whats what? his wife says without looking up.

Two hundred and fifty dollars! For what?

For something I needed, she says indifferently.

Why would you spend that kind of money without asking me first?

How was golf today? she asks. What did that set us backforty, fifty dollars? You never seem to mention the cost of your hobbies, now, do you?

Im talking about unnecessary expenses! he says as his voice begins to rise.

Why is it that only my expenses are unnecessary? she shouts back.

Youre wasting our money! he yells, charging from the room.

What do you know about money? she calls after him.

Conflict, which someone has said is the art of disagreeing while still holding hands, is a game without rules. It may sound strange to speak of conflict as a game, but in a sense it is. Every marital disagreement has two players, a starting point, and a finish line. There is a playing field and a time limit, and there are penalties, fouls, and grounds for disqualification along the way. There are winners and losers toothough in this game, unlike most, both players can win or both can lose.

Right now you may be thinking, If conflict is a game, then Id rather not play. Sorry. Conflict is a part of the true game of Life, and refusing to play is simply not an option. Differences in personality and temperament, multiple time demands, limited resources, and the sheer insanity of modern life all conspire to create occasional (or more than occasional) disagreements between partners. In marriage, conflict simply cant be avoided; the goal, then, is to learn to play the game as pleasantly and productively as possible.

We know a wise grandmother who cautions her grandkids, Fight nicely. What a concept! For many of us, the very idea of fighting nicely is a contradiction in terms. You can fight, or you can be nice; take your pick. But doing both at once is something many couples have never experienced. Believe it or not, it is possible to fight nicely. Thats where clear rules and a good referee come inand thats what conflict often lacks.

Like the early sport of boxing, conflict between lovers often has a single guiding principle: Beat the other guy. In the early days of boxing, the question of how to beat the other guy was left entirely to the individual combatants, and liberal interpretations of that rule left many men bloody, broken, or blind. Some, like the gladiators of old, even gave their lives in the arena.

Thats why, in the late 1800s, the Marquis de Queensberry thought it was high time someone sat down and penned some rules for the sport of boxing. No more kicking and gouging, he said, and no more hitting below the belt. No head butting is allowed, no rabbit punching, and under no circumstances are you ever allowed to bite off your opponents ear.