Tim Downs - One of Us Must Be Crazy...and Im Pretty Sure Its You: Making Sense of the Differences That Divide Us

M OODY P UBLISHING
C HICAGO

2003, 2010 BY
T IM AND J OY D OWNS
Portions of this book previously appeared in The Seven Conflicts

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the New American Standard Bible, Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (http://www.Lockman.org)

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189, U.S.A. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked THE MESSAGE are from The Message, copyright by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Published in association with the literary agency of Alive Communications, Inc., 7680 Goddard Street, Suite 200, Colorado Springs, Colorado 80920.

Edited by Cheryl Dunlop (2003) and Pam Pugh (2010) Interior and cover design: Smartt Guys design

L IBRARY OF C ONGRESS C ATALOGING-IN -P UBLICATION D ATA
Downs, Tim.
One of us must be crazyand Im pretty sure its you : making sense of the differences that divide us / Tim and Joy Downs.
p.cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-0-8024-1427-4
1. Individual differences. 2. Marriage. 3. Conflict management. 4. MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Downs, Joy. II. Title.
BF697.D69 2010
646.78dc22

2010005061

We hope you enjoy this book from Moody Publishers. Our goal is to provide high-quality, thought-provoking books and products that connect truth to your real needs and challenges. For more information on other books and products written and produced from a biblical perspective, go to http://www.moodypublishers.com or write to:

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Conflict is common to all marriages. What MOS T marriages dont have is a blueprint for resolving conflict when it occurs. Tim and Joy not only share with you THE most effective blueprint, but they will give you the practical tools and coaching needed in marriages today. Buy and apply this book! Itll revolutionize your relationship.

Dr. Dennis Rainey
President, Family Life

Conflict either makes love better or causes it to turn bitter. Tim and Joy Downs book is a GPS for couples who want a safe and passable route through the maze of married couple conflict.

Dr. Tim Kimmel
Author of Grace Based Parenting

For Joys parents, Bill and Laura Burns
Thank you for demonstrating a love for God,
for each other, and for your family for more than half a century.
Thank you for being a model to us
in your commitment to cling to each other
through happy and difficult times.
You have made our lives more secure and joyful,
and we love and respect you both.

To our precious children, Tommy, Erin, and Kelsey
Though we do not know who your mates will be,
we pray that God will give each of you
a husband or wife devoted to Him and to you.
It is our prayer that each of you will strive to please God
and stay committed to your mate
as you learn how to love your partner for better and for worse.
We love you more than we can ever say.

CONTENTS

The Differences That Divide

Tim: I grew up in a time not that long ago but in a world that no longer exists. I remember a white split-level home in suburban St. Louis on an acre and a half of zoysia as soft as a down comforter. I remember a mother who lived to serve her family and a father who was strict and severe and emotionally absent. I remember walking to school, coming home without homework, and simply telling my mother, Im going out. Out where? To play. I rode my bike on busy streets without a helmet and carried a pocketknife wherever I wenteven to school. What I loved most about my childhood is that I was free.

Joy: I grew up in Columbus, Ohio, in a neighborhood where every child belonged to every family. We spent every summer day together at the neighborhood pool, and through the year we all walked together to school and back. We walked home for lunch as wellwe walked through the woods, through places I would never allow my children to walk today. But my parents never had to worry if I would make it home each day, because, above all, my neighborhood was safe.

Tim: There are things about my childhood I loved, and things I despised. There are parts of my early days that I long to reproduce in my own family, and things Ill do most anything to avoid. The irony is, Im not always sure what those things are; they live invisibly inside me, lurking in the background, operating not as specific goals but as indefinable longingsas dreams. Like post-hypnotic suggestions, they inform all my conscious actions, though Im seldom aware they even exist. As I grew up, I collected a series of fuzzy mental images of how my life would look one day. How it should look. I had a dream.

Joy: When we got married, Tim naturally expected that his wife would share not only his tastes and opinions but his dreams as well. What he never counted on is that I would have dreams of my ownvery different dreams. This difference in our mental images, this disparity in our shoulds and oughts, was what originally attracted us to each other. But in marriage, the same differences became the source of many of our disagreements. He had his dreams, and I had mine.

It took us quite awhile to understand that our biggest conflicts would come when we were both right.

We all have dreamsfuzzy mental images of how our lives are supposed to look and feel. Marital researcher Scott Stanley calls these unconscious longings hidden issues. Hidden issues, he writes, are the deeper, fundamental issues that usually lie underneath the arguments about issues and events. For all too many couples, the hidden issues never come out. They fester and produce fear, sadness, and resentment that can erode and eventually destroy the marriage.

INSIGHT
You dont get harmony when everybody sings the same note.
Doug Floyd

The authors solution? The most important thing you can do is simply to talk about these hidden issues constructively, perhaps at a time set aside just for this purpose.