Willard F. Harley - Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love

1992, 1997, 2002, 2008 by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.bakerpublishinggroup.com

Ebook edition created 2013

Ebook corrections 11.15.2013

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

ISBN 978-1-5855-8698-1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC

C ONTENTS

I NTRODUCTION

Has a friend ever asked for your advice about his (or her) marriage? Where do you begin? How would you help him so that his marriage could be fulfilling instead of disappointing?

In describing the problem, your friend would probably tell you what his wife was doing that made him so unhappy. And then he would tell you what his wife was not doing that caused him to feel particularly unfulfilled in his marriage.

But if you talked to your friend long enough, you would probably discover that his problems go beyond what his wife is doing or not doing. You would discover what I have discovered in the majority of couples Ive counseledyour friend has fallen out of love with his wife. Whatever feeling of love he once felt for her is now gone.

How would you help?

When it comes to solving marital problems, sometimes its easier to see the solution when it turns out to be somebody elses problem. In your friends case it might be clear to you that if his wife would stop doing the things that upset him and start doing things that would make him feel more fulfilled, his feeling of love for her might return. So you might begin by going to his wife with his complaints, and by trying to encourage her to make a few changes in her behavior.

But if his wife is like most of the wives (and husbands) Ive counseled, you wouldnt get very far in describing those complaints. Assuming that she would even hear you out, after you had uttered your last word youd be hearing her litany of complaints about your friendhow hes been doing all sorts of outrageous things to upset her, and how hed failed miserably in making her feel fulfilled in their marriage. And if she were honest with you about her deepest feelings, you might also discover that she doesnt feel any more love for him than he does for her.

How spouses affect each other has a tremendous bearing on the success or failure of a marriage.

It wouldnt take long for you to discover that each of them understood the other persons problems, but not their own. And you would also discover that they did not understand how their mistakes contributed to their loss of love for each other.

When a couple first comes to my office, I do not talk to them together. Thats because they are likely to spend the entire session criticizing each other. If I would let them talk to me together, they would leave my office in worse shape than when they arrived. Instead, I talk to them one at a time to gain insight into how they affect each otherhow they make each other miserable and how they have failed to make each other happy. I also try to estimate how much love they have lost for each other.

During their very first counseling session, I make a very important point. Its a point I want you to fully understand: Just about everything that you and your spouse do affects the feeling of love you have for each other. What you do either builds your love for each other, or it destroys that love.

How spouses affect each other has a tremendous bearing on the success or failure of a marriage. If your friends wife would simply stop doing the things that upset him and start doing the things that make him feel terrific, your friends complaining would be over, and something else would happen too. Your friend would once again be in love.

Of course, your friend would also have to make some changes. He would need to take his wifes complaints to heart and accommodate her feelings as well. Then she would be in love with him too. But whatever it would take to restore their love would be worth doing because it would create something that they both want very badlya fulfilling marriage.

A Fulfilling Marriage Requires Passion

Marriage is like an aircraft with exceptional performancewhen it flies fast. But when it flies slowly, it cannot stay aloftit stalls and crashes. When a husband and wife are in love with each other, they are happier, healthier, wiser, and more productive than ever. But when love fades, they lose everything that made them better people. What once seemed almost effortless becomes awkward and very difficult. Instincts that work for a couple who are in love work against them when they lose their love for each other. And in most cases, the relationship eventually becomes so bad that couples try to escape each other through divorce or permanent separation.

Take my word for it because its based on years of experience: If you want a marriage that satisfies both you and your spouse, you must have a passionate marriage. (I will be using the phrase feeling of love and the word passion interchangeably in this book.) Thats because a mediocre marriage lacking passion will not remain mediocre very long. Once you lose the feeling of love in your marriage, its a slippery slope all they way down to disliking, or even hating each other. Instead of bringing out the best in each other, you will find yourselves bringing out the worst.

When a man and woman get married, they think their feelings of love will last a lifetime. The vows and commitments they make depend on that assumption. But their passion for each other is usually short-lived. Some couples sustain it for just a few months or years after the wedding. For others, its only days. And when passion goes, the commitments of marriage usually go with it.

Some marriage counselors advise couples to accept the inevitable: Enjoy it while it lasts but dont expect it to continue forever. Some recommend rising to a higher form of passionless love, while others suggest divorce.

But I believe that couples dont have to accept the loss of love as inevitable. Instead, they can restore the love they once had for each other. And once its back, all thoughts of divorce or passionless love vanish.

Impossible , you may say. And it may certainly seem that way. When youre in love, it seems impossible that you will ever lose that feeling; and when youre out of love, it seems impossible to get it back. Most couples I counsel dont believe they will ever feel that love for each other again. But my methods for restoring passion do not require faiththey require action! When a couple follows my instructions, their love usually returns, ending the threat of divorce.

If you want a marriage that satisfies both you and your spouse, you must have a passionate marriage.

This book and its companion, His Needs, Her Needs , work together in helping couples build and sustain the feeling of love. While His Needs, Her Needs will help you build love by teaching you how to meet each others most important emotional needs, Love Busters will help you avoid losing love.

During courtship, a man and woman create the feeling of love for each other by meeting each others most important emotional needs. But after they get married, they usually develop habits that destroy their love for each other. I call those destructive habits Love Busters. And as long as Love Busters are tolerated, love doesnt have a chance.