Willard F. Jr. Harley - Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders: Turning Revolving-Door Romance Into Lasting Love

Other books by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Fall in Love, Stay in Love

His Needs, Her Needs

Love Busters

5 Steps to Romantic Love

I Cherish You

Your Love and Marriage

Surviving an Affair

The Four Gifts of Love

Give and Take

Marriage Insurance

2002 by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287 www.revellbooks.com

Ebook edition created 2012

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

eISBN 978-1-4412-4155-9

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

The internet addresses, email addresses, and phone numbers in this book are accurate at the time of publication. They are provided as a resource. Baker Publishing Group does not endorse them or vouch for their content or permanence.

Have you ever been in love? If so, you know how great it feels to love and be loved by someone. When a romantic relationship is on track, you never want it to end. But, as youve probably noticed, its hard to keep one on track. After starting out as terrific, your romantic relationships may have turned terrible or even terrifying, leaving you wondering what happened. If thats been your experience, you are not alonemost romantic relationships end up that way.

Youve probably asked yourself the question, Why? What makes my romantic relationships go from great to gone? You may think that you just havent found the right match yet, and that its only a matter of time before the right one comes along. But I have another explanation, one that has helped keep thousands of romantic relationships on trackfor life.

If youre tired of revolving-door romance, this book is definitely for you.

If youve come to a point where youre tired of revolving-door romance and want to create one romantic relationship that remains passionate and fulfilling for the rest of your life, this book is definitely for you. But even if youre not quite to that point, this book will help you understand the ups and downs of your current romantic relationship and help you accurately predict its future.

Whats So Great about Romantic Relationships?

Lets define the most important term used in this book romantic relationship. A romantic relationship consists of two people in love who meet each others emotional needs for intimacy. My definition is admittedly narrow. Some people may believe they are in a romantic relationship, yet they are not in love with each other. Others may feel that a romantic relationship doesnt have to meet their emotional needs for intimacy. But from my perspective, people are not in a truly romantic relationship unless they are in love and meet each others needs for intimacy.

Romantic Relationship

Two people in love who meet each others emotional needs for intimacy.

Intimate needs are among the most important emotional needs we have in life. Affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment, and admiration are just a few examples of these important needs. We cannot meet any of them by ourselvesthey can only be met by someone else. And not by just anyone else. Only someone we love and who loves us can meet these needs in a way that is completely fulfilling. In other words, were wired to be in a romantic relationship. And when we are not, we feel that somethings missing. Thats why we find a romantic relationship so compellingwe need it.

Over the years Ive written several books that explain how intimate emotional needs should be met in a romantic relationship. The most popular of these books is His Needs, Her Needs, where I show couples how they can identify each others intimate needs and then become experts at meeting them. If youre not sure how to meet someones intimate emotional needs in a romantic relationship, you will find that book valuable reading.

Were wired to be in a romantic relationship.

In this book, however, I will assume that you already know how to meet emotional needs in a relationship with someone you love who also loves you. What still may be a mystery to you, though, is how to keep a great romantic relationship from turning into a disaster. If you could figure that out, your revolving-door romances would finally end. You could stop wasting your time and energy replacing one disappointing relationship with another. Youd finally have one that would last a lifetime.

Romance Is a Science

Ive been married to my wife, Joyce, for forty years, and our love for each other is as strong and passionate today as it was when we first married. In the beginning, I really didnt know what made our relationship work so well. I had to spend a few years counseling those whose relationships were failing before I was able to clearly see what Joyce and I did (and still do) that made and kept us such passionate lovers.

Now, as I look back on the rocky beginning of our dating relationship, it all makes sense to me. But back then, my relationships with Joyce and everyone else I dated seemed like a frightening roller-coaster ride where I had no control. Dumb luck seemed to rule. How else could someone be crazy about me one day and loathe me the next? And how could I be crazy about someone for a while, only to become disinterested eventually? It seemed like I and the women I dated were the victims of magical spells.

But it wasnt magic. What made my dating experiences sensational one day and boring the next was scientifically predictable. It had to do with the quality of care I gave the women I dated and the care they showed me in return.

People show care for each other in a romantic relationship by meeting each others intimate emotional needs. But a romantic relationship rarely begins with much of an effort to meet intimate needs. In fact it usually begins with little or no effort at all. Thats why so many romantic relationships have trouble getting out of the starting blocks. Did you (or do you) look forward to first dates? I didnt. Thats because theres such a high likelihood that the care you give each other on that date will be mutually disappointing. You are both shopping around, and rejection is almost a certainty. One or both of you are likely to find the other lacking.

What made my dating experiences sensational one day and boring the next was scientifically predictable.

If a relationship does survive the initial introduction, and neither person does any rejecting, they often move on to a tentative willingness to provide mutual careas long as the relationship is mutually advantageous. It is in this intermediate stage of creating a romantic relationship that two people can fall in love with each other because their care hits the mark. Rejection can still take placeit did for Joyce and mebut the couple knows better how to avoid it.

Finally, if two people who are in love decide to commit their care to each other exclusively and permanently, they have completed their creation of a romantic relationship that will last a lifetime. This highest level of care guarantees their love for each other for life. There are millions of fulfilling marriages that prove it, mine included.