Willard F. Jr. Harley - He Wins, She Wins Workbook: Practicing the Art of Marital Negotiation

Conflicts are inevitable in marriage. Joyce and I have at least one every hour were together. And after fifty-one years of marriage, thats a lot of conflicts. But weve been deeply in love with each other throughout those fifty-one years because our conflicts have been resolved the right waywith both of us winning. Our conflicts do not draw us apart. They draw us together.

Ive written this workbook to accompany my book He Wins, She Wins. Throughout the workbook youll find assignments that point you to corresponding material in that book. Together, the book and the workbook will teach you how to resolve your conflicts the same way that I have taught millions of couples to resolve theirs over the years. The method youll learn has not only helped couples resolve their conflicts once and for all but also helped them create a love-filled and passionate marriage. And thats what we all hoped to have when we first said, I do.

In the first part of this workbook, I begin with a quick review of the wrong way to resolve conflicts with win-lose outcomes. Then I review the right way with win-win outcomes. How are you trying to resolve conflicts now? You will answer that question by completing the Marital Conflict Resolution Strategies Inventory. I end the section by encouraging you to make a commitment to each other to resolve all of your conflicts the right way. Its a reminder that while win-win outcomes may be more difficult to find, they dont get you into trouble the way win-lose outcomes do. And they will help you stay in love with each other.

The second part gives you an opportunity to practice what youve learned in the first part: how to resolve marital conflicts the right way. You are reminded of the goal (enthusiastic agreement) and the method for achieving it (Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation). Then you are challenged to resolve other couples conflicts. I offer you twenty examples of conflicts others have faced so that you can learn to search for solutions that will work for both spouses. Its like learning to type. At first, your practice seems awkwardeven impossible! But once you get the hang of it, you find typing to be almost effortless. In the same way, you will find yourselves being very creative in resolving other couples conflicts so that both spouses can win.

Then, in the third part of this workbook, you will finally get to the conflicts that you face in your marriage. You will prioritize them, eliminate the easy ones, and then get to work on those that have been giving you fits. When you have addressed all of them, and found win-win outcomes to all of them, your assignments wont be finished.

In appendix B, I offer you a twelve-week plan for learning how to resolve marital conflicts. Most of the assignments can be completed in about three to five hours. So if you set aside a block of time each week to work together on learning this skill, youll become expert marital negotiators in less than three months!

Remember what I said about Joyce and mewe have at least one conflict every hour were together. But with the skills youve learned, conflicts will never again draw you apart. They will draw you together.

Assignment #1

Read the introduction and part 1 (The Art of Marital Negotiation) of He Wins, She Wins to prepare you for part 1 of this workbook. Although its about sixty pages of text, you should be able to read it in less than three hours.