Willard F. Jr. Harley - His Needs, Her Needs for Parents: Keeping Romance Alive

2003 by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com

Ebook edition created 2012

eISBN 978-1-58558-702-5

Previously published in 2005 under the title Moms Needs, Dads Needs for Parents

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Scripture is taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

R omantic movies are all alike. A man and woman are thrown together by unusual circumstances. They fall madly in love despite overwhelming adversity. And in the end they run into each others arms to kiss under a moonlit sky before walking hand in hand toward a bright future together.

But these movies dont lend themselves very well to romantic sequels. Imagine what one might be like. The couple would now be married with three children. Instead of moonlit walks, theyd be helping the six-year-old with a school project, potty training the three-year-old, and trying to settle down the crying baby. And instead of running into each others arms, theyd be running around the house, trying to get everything ready for another busy day of work, school, and household tasks. Talk about overwhelming adversity! At the end of the day our couple would collapse into bed, completely exhausted. How could even the best director make that look romantic?

Theres good reason why they dont make many sequels to romantic movies.

Most couples tie the knot because they are in love. They want to be lovers for life, so they marry. And they assume that nothing will keep them from caring for each otherleast of all, children.

But unlike the movies, where the final credits pop on the screen after the wedding, real-life couples have to handle the ups and downs of marriage. And once children arrive, they face even more challenges. The presence of children distracts them from their original objectiveto care for each other. Caring for the children suddenly becomes their highest priority. With less time and energy to care for each other, their love gradually fades, and the once starry-eyed couple forgets why they ever married.

Sound familiar? If so, youre not alone. Many couples lose their love for each other after children arrive. Ive counseled thousands of these couples, who usually are on the brink of divorce. And I tell them all the same thing: Your marriage can be saved only if you make caring for each other your top priority. And the best way to do this is by spending time togetheraway from your children.

You may question that advice at first. After all, natural instincts tell us that children are more important than anything else in life. And doesnt it sound selfish to take time away from them so that we can be alone with our spouse?

My advice for parents is simple. If you want to be good parents, you need to care for each other first.

Children do need very special love and care, and responsible parents must give them the time and attention they need. But children desperately need something else tooparents who love each other and stay married. Numerous studies have shown that children of happily married parents are healthier, mentally and physically, than children of divorced parents. They usually become better educated and more successful later in life, and they are less likely to become criminals or to suffer as victims of domestic violence.

So my advice for parents is simple. If you want to be good parents, you must care for each other first. Your childrens future depends on it.

Whats at Stake?

If I offered you a million dollars to stay in love for ten years after your children arrived, how would you earn the money?

You might have a good idea of what it takes to keep love alive, if you can remember how your love was first created. When you were dating, you were affectionate with each other; you talked to each other the way lovers talk; you spent your recreational time together; and you were attracted to each other sexually. So to keep your love alive youd probably create enough privacy and time to do all the things that kept you emotionally connected while dating. And after ten years, Id owe you a million dollars.

Well, I cant pay you to stay in love, but theres actually something more valuable than money at stake when it comes to your marriage. If you can stay happily married, your children will benefit from living in a stable home and seeing a healthy model for marriage. And theyll be spared the extreme pain and confusion of witnessing a divorce.

C ONSIDER T HIS

If youre not in love with each other after ten years, you may lose more than a million dollars over the course of your lifetime. Without love, everything will be more difficult and less rewarding for you. And if you divorce, youll experience legal fees, lost income, lost savings and investments, lost health, lost support from an extended family, and moreall of which can easily exceed a million dollars!

In case after case, children report extraordinary trauma during and after their parents divorce. Just prior to divorce, parents often try to tell their children why they feel the ordeal is necessary. They explain that they simply dont love each other anymore or that their fighting is creating a bad environment for their children.

But children usually dont want to solve these problems through divorce. They just want their parents to love each other again and stop fighting. And thats exactly what parents should do. They should do whatever it takes to love each otherfor their childrens sake.

Ive helped thousands of couples avoid divorce by restoring their love for each other. And many of those couples did it for their children. They knew that their children needed them to stay together. And thats enough incentive for most couples to follow my plan. But theres another reason thats just as important.

Parents should do whatever it takes to love each other for their childrens sake.

Is it a good idea to stay married for the sake of your children? Absolutely! Should you avoid fights if you stay together? Definitely! But why just stay married and avoid fights? Why not also be in love? Youll find that if you are in love, youll want to stay married and avoid fights. And best of all, your lives will be far more fulfilling when you are in love.

Prioritize Love

So how can you guarantee the lifelong marriage your children need you to have? How can you stay in love even while raising a busy family? The answer is remarkably simple. In most cases, it doesnt require entirely new skills. All it takes is going back to what created your love in the first placecaring for each other just like you did while dating.

Unfortunately, most parents dont make time to care for each other. When children arrive, careers and domestic responsibilities shift into high gear. Parents come home from a challenging day at work to find household responsibilities and children who need their attention. By the time they get to bed, they are so tired that they dread the thought of more responsibilitiesthose of caring for each other.