Greg Smalley - Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage: How to Stop Reacting When Your Buttons Get Pushed

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Contents

To my wife and best friend, Erin ,

thank you for always fighting for our marriage .

I love you with all my heart .

To Gary J. Oliver, thank you

for teaching me how conflict provides such amazing

opportunities for growth in a relationship .

One

The Power of Healthy Conflict

Your marriage needs conflict.

And yet, sadly, people rarely believe this. Its probably because conflict is a topic that makes many of us feel uncomfortable. It can bring fear to our hearts and remind us of past failures and acts of which we are ashamed. Our lives are pockmarked by battles and arguments with our loved ones, like the one I experienced while returning from a date night with my wife.

Youre speeding, Erin warned.

Im driving the speed limit, I snapped. Quit trying to control me.

Im telling you that the speed limit is thirty-five, Erin shot back, and youre doing forty-five. Youre going to get a ticket!

This is a brand-new road in the middle of nowhere, I argued. Why would they make it thirty-five? Im positive that its forty-five. Besides, why would anyone care if Im going a little fast on a deserted road?

Apparently someone cared, as evidenced by the blue and red lights flashing behind me.

Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.

WILLIAM ELLERY CHANNING

And before I could give her that look that says, Dont you dare, Erin gloated, I warned you. But maybe youll learn to believe me after our insurance rates go up.

This was one of those moments when I desperately wanted to run far away from my wife, but I figured that fleeing my vehicle might present a whole new set of problems for me.

As the officer approached my window, he asked the one question that I was hoping he wouldnt: Do you know how fast you were going?

Havent you ever wanted to smart off by saying something like No... its really difficult to see over the beer can, or I dont, but I bet you do! Im so glad I only think these things and dont say them out loud.

Well, before I could actually say No, kind sir, I dont know how fast I was going in my politest voice, Erin snapped, He knows. I told him he was speeding, but he chose not to listen.

Ouch.

To make matters worse, the officer said, So you dont know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?

Again... ouch ! Who were these two, a comedy team?

I probably should have stopped there, but I thought that after the drubbing Id received from my wife and the officer, hed have compassion for me.

Any way youd let me off with a warning? I begged. The real punishment will be having to endure the I told you so all the way home. A ticket would be over the toplike beating a dead horse.

When will I learn that some people dont find me funny?

You want a warning? the officer said graciously. Okay, Im warning you that if you go above the speed limit again, Ill give you another ticket.

With that, I was done. Unfortunately, Erin wasnt finished. After she directed some additional choice words and phrases at me, we spent the rest of the drive home in silence.

You may be wondering, How could an interaction like that be something my marriage needs? Let me explain.

CONFLICT: BEAUTY OR THE BEAST?

What images come into your mind when you think about conflict? Perhaps you fought with your parents, kids in the neighborhood, school bullies, friends in junior high, or teachers. Maybe your marriage is riddled with conflict today, or perhaps you never fight. Whatever your past or current experiences, how do you perceive conflict? Are these images positive or negative? Conflict has the potential for beauty, but at the same time, there is also a beast lurking in it if we mishandle our conflicts.

In an unhealthy sense, if we avoid conflict, pretend it doesnt exist, gossip to others about it, get angry, or intimidate others into doing what we want, the greater the problem will become, and the greater the relational damage will be. Couples who do not work out their differences and manage their conflict issues are at risk for divorce.

The apostle Paul recognized this when he wrote, If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other (Galatians 5:15).

Many couples hate to confront disagreements and hurts because theyre afraid of rocking the boat, so they choose to keep the peace at any price and sweep their issues under the rug. However, this strategy usually does not resolve the problem, because suppressed conflict is always buried alive, and it often festers until it becomes a much bigger problem. In the end, buried issues end up exploding like a massive volcano, leaving our spouse and family members in its wake of destruction. Dallin H. Oaks said, Peace... is not just the absence of war. Its the opposite of war.

In Matthew 5:2324 we are encouraged to deal with relationship problems so that our hearts will be right when we worship the Lord. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

The difficulty with mishandled conflict is that it creates an unsafe environment. Spouses feel like they are walking on a thin layer of volcanic crust, while underneath rages a river of molten lava ready to consume those trapped nearby. And when people feel unsafe, their heart closes and they disconnect. This is why, when asked about divorce, Jesus said, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard (Matthew 19:8). A hard heart is the kiss of death to a marriage, and that is exactly what prolonged, unhealthy conflict creates: a hardened heart ! King Solomon deeply understood the reality of a hard heart: An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate

No pressure, no diamonds.

MARY CASE

Thats amazing! Who knew that actually facing our differences and managing our conflict in a healthy way could produce such results? Its true that conflict can be a beast, but there also exists a beauty. I love marital-art master Thomas Crums image of conflict:

One of the myths is the idea that conflict is negative.... Nature doesnt see conflict as a negative. Nature uses conflict as a primary motivator for change. Imagine floating down the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon. Quiet water flowing into exhilarating rapids. Hidden canyons with shade trees and wildflowers. Clear springs of drinkable water. Solitude and silence that can be found in few places in todays world. And those majestic cliffs looming above, with fantastic patterns in the rock and all the colors of the rainbow displayed. The Grand Canyon is truly one of the worlds greatest wonders and provides