Dr. David B. Hawkins - Living Beyond a Broken Marriage

Living
Beyond
a Broken
Marriage

Living
Beyond
a Broken
Marriage

Dr. David B. Hawkins

2005 by David B. Hawkins

Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com

Spire edition published 2008
ISBN 978-0-8007-8770-7

Previously published under the title Love Lost

Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Scripture is taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION . NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

While I have used my clinical experiences throughout this book, all names and situations have been changed to provide anonymity.

Contents

Love Lost

The tears streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them I rested.

Saint Augustine

As the sun rose over the forested hills outside her Northwest home, Trish fidgeted with the covers and wondered what to do. She had awakened several times during the night, fretting about the pending talk with her husband. She feared telling Clint what she had come to realize she must say. Slowly, quietly, she pulled back the covers. She could barely summon the energy to get out of bed. She glanced out the window, wondering how she would be able to complete todays exercise walk with her friends. She could not seem to clear the fog from her mind. Still, she decided that the walk might give her a little more energy to meet the day.

Trish came to her counseling session with me that afternoon drained. She had been crying before her session and cried throughout the entire hour. She ached as she considered how to tell Clint about the decision she had wrestled with for the past six months. Time had become a blur to her, as had the details of her life. All she could think about was how unhappy she was and how badly she wanted the pain to end. She wearied of the knots in her stomach, the restless nights, the meager appetite, the sullen thoughts. But despite her feelings, telling her spouse her decision would be incredibly hurtful.

Shed told me repeatedly that Clint was not a bad person. In fact, since she had let him know about her unhappiness several months ago, he was trying harder than ever to make a good impression. She had told him that she needed more help with the children and that their finances had to be straightened out. She hated living from paycheck to paycheck, but even more than that, she hated his indifference to the worry it caused her when the bills didnt get paid. His recent efforts seemed like too little, too late. Her feelings had not changed. Even ten years of marriage was not enough glue to hold her to him.

When I saw Trish and Clint together the following week, I could tell something ominous was about to take place. Trish had made her intentions clear during her last session: to tell Clint that she was no longer in love with him. I worried that this would be a challenging session, and I breathed deeply, hoping to find the reserve in me to be fully present for this couple facing the most horrific event in their marriage.

Trish, would you like to start?

She nodded her head slowly. She fumbled with a piece of paper as if she were going to read to us. It had been folded several times, and she worked to straighten it out.

Clint was noticeably anxious. He watched as Trish scanned the paper.

Are you okay? he asked.

I need to tell you something.

Please dont say that youre going to leave me. Ive been working so hard on our marriage. Please dont do anything drastic.

Clint lowered his head, clasping his face with both hands. I said, Clint, lets let Trish say what she needs to say. Please, Trish, continue.

She began reading from the paper.

Clint, I need a separation. I dont think I love you anymore, and I need some space to figure out how to find myself again. Our marriage has not been good for either of us. We havent been happy for a long time.

Clint burst into tears.

How can you say that? Things have been getting better. Ive been trying hard. Ive been coming to counseling and meeting with the pastor every week. Please reconsider. Give it a little more time.

This isnt something I decided yesterday. It may seem sudden to you, but Ive been thinking about this for a long time. Im not saying that our marriage is over. I just need some time to think things through. And I need to look at why I dont love you anymore. Im sorry to hurt you, Clint. Please know that this is not easy for me, either.

I watched, helplessly, wishing more than anything that I could say some magic words to transform their faltering marriage into the vibrant, dynamic partnership that God intended. For the moment that was not possible. For now, both ached with the pain that only one who has been through this kind of experience can understand.

The extent of pain for those who have endured hearing, or having to say, the words I dont love you anymore is hard to understand. I can hardly imagine any more excruciating words. Yet I have seen many people successfully recover from that initial suffering, some by moving on with their lives and others by making step-by-step repairs to their relationship. In either case the path is not easy, but hope does lie ahead.

An Epidemic of Lost Love

Tragically, this experience is replicated almost weekly in my office. Of all the desperate situations I face, lost love is one of the most heartrending. I watched Trish and Clint face the unspeakable: a love lost in the rubble of years of irritation, alienation, bickering, resentment, and neglect. Neither had spent the requisite time counting the cost of their battles. Both assumed that love could withstand such onslaughts. Both assumed that love could continue, however feebly, amidst the harsh, choking words and insensitivity. They did not think their failure to foster lovea form of benign neglectcould cost so much. No one was there to say, Stop this before you kill your love for one another. Your hearts cant take the battering.

And so in thousands of homes, in thousands of relationships, love dies or is buried in the ruins of words both spoken and unspoken. It is an epidemic.

You may be reading this book because you too have fallen victim to lost love. You too may have spoken or been told those most painful words, I dont love you anymore, and felt their toll on your life.

While we hope for the best with these kinds of marital problems, not all marriages survive. Perhaps nothing is as painful and devastating as looking into the eyes of your partner as you are told that the affection you once shared has diminished or died. No one who endures the experience walks away without scars. It would be shallow and ridiculous to offer platitudes in the face of such tumult. No simple offer of consolation does justice to that level of loss. That would be a slap in the face to the magnitude and depth of love lost.

As a small consolation, you should know that others have walked this path and survived. You join many others who have wrestled with rejection and come away stronger than ever. You and your partner can, with diligence, focus on the problems, find solutions, and create a new lifeperhaps together, possibly not.

Christies Story of Separation

Night comes early in winter in the Pacific Northwest, where I live. We go to work in darkness and return home in darkness. Add a dose of dispiriting dampness and it is easy to become discouraged.