Patti Henry - The Emotionally Unavailable Man

Library of Congress Cataloging-In-Publication Data

Henry, Patti, 1956-

The emotionally unavailable man : a blueprint for healing / Patti Henry.

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN 1-56825-096-7 (trade softcover : alk. paper)

1. MenPsychology. I. Title.

HQ1090.H46 2004

158.2dc22

2004008252

Print ISBN: 978-1-56825-096-0

EPUB ISBN: 978-1-56825-144-8

The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing

2004 by Patti Henry, M.Ed., L.P.C. (www.patti-henry.com)

For Jeff

Published by

Rainbow Books, Inc., P. O. Box 430, Highland City, FL 33846-0430

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Patti Henrys photo is used by permission of Jeff Grass, photographer.

The information contained in this publication is not intended to serve as a replacement for professional therapy. Any use of the information in this publication is at the readers discretion. The author and publisher specifically disclaim any and all liability arising directly or indirectly from the use or application of any information contained herein. A competent professional should be consulted regarding your specific situation. Names and identifying characteristics of people in the book have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical (except as follows for photocopying for review purposes). Permission for photocopying can be obtained for internal or personal use, the internal or personal use of specific clients, and for educational use, by paying the appropriate fee to

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Permissions

Mans Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, is published by Beacon Press.

The Onion Field by Joseph Wambaugh, is published by Dell Publishing, a division of Random House, Inc.

The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, is published by Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random House, Inc.

TIME Person of the Year, TIME 2001 TIME, Inc., reprinted by permission.

CONTENTS

Every book has its story. This one goes like this:

I was writing a book when suddenly it occurred to me that I was writing the wrong book. So, I set that manuscript aside, and this one walked in fully intact. Within 15 minutes the complete outline, chapter by chapter, was down on paper. So, first I thank God.

I began writing. With a busy practice, it was hard for me to find the hours I needed to concentrate. So, I set aside 15 hours a week just for this book. I thank my sister and my brother-in-law, Valerie and Kit Carson Smith, who sent me checks for the next six months to pay for those writing hours, so I didnt have to worry about money. Without their financial and emotional backing, this book would not have been possible.

I wrote for four months. My father died. I couldnt concentrate for about six weeks, but when I came back to the manuscript, a new freedom came with me. Somehow I felt my dads encouragement to write. So, I thank my dad, in a way, for dying. Because in death I believe he received enlightenment and, somehow, that helped me. It reinforced to me how important it was to write this book.

I wrote for two more months. I didnt talk about it much to anyone, but my family quietly supported me: eating lots of takeout, helping with the chores, and not asking how it was going. So, I thank my two boys, Scott and Eric, plus my husband, Jeff, who is my rock, for all their quiet, thorough love, support, and understanding.

Then one day I wrote the last sentence and the last period. I cried. It was like birthing a baby. I gave my manuscript to my husband with the instructions, Dont tell me anything negative. Only positives. I cant handle anything negative yet. He honored that. And then we went through it again and again and again, each time delving a bit more into honest criticism. He has been my very gentle editor throughout the whole rewriting process. I cannot say thank you enough to him or to God for him.

Next I asked trusted friends, family, and colleagues to read the manuscript and give me feedback, all of which was invaluable. I thank and respectfully acknowledge each of them: my mom and stepfather, Donna and Ernie Holmes; my friends and colleagues: Ruth Arnold, Mona Chamberlain, Woody Forrieter, Karl Weston, Audrey Anastasia, Bill Taube, Susan Herbold, Sylvia Westlake, Bill Clendenen, Joanna Crawford, Wendy Schumer, Heloise Lynn, Fred Crawford, Liz Steele, Amy Gurghigian, Bitsy Cleveland, Kay Schlembach, Michael Marcoux, Ken Bielicki, and Jim Dickinson. Thank you.

Next came the time for the final rewrite and research. For this I received unbelievable amounts of support and encouragement every step along the way. I wish to thank Otto Fad, animal trainer at Sea World in Florida; Bonnie and Troy, assistants at the Houston Civil Court House; Newton Hightower, author of Anger Busting 101; and Dr. Reverend Johnny Ray Youngblood, an incredible human being whose energy and belief in me has been life-giving.

Then last, but not least, was my search for a publisher. I must confess, I sent my manuscript to only one: Rainbow Books, Inc. They sent me an offer. We negotiated a bit, wrestled a bit, laughed a bit, and then came to terms. I thank Betty Wright, senior publisher at Rainbow, for being so easy to work with, so full of wisdom, and such a delight.

My acknowledgments would not be complete, however, without mentioning all the clients I have had the honor and privilege to work with over the years. I salute you. I salute your courage. Daily you inspire me and I thank you.

Emotional work is like running a marathon. No one can do it for you. You can have a coach, you can have a running partner, you can have friends cheering you on, you can even drink water at every water station, but you have to do the running. You have to make the commitment. You have to put one foot in front of the other if you want to finish the race.

May the words in this book give you the encouragement you need to go the distance.