Holly Parker - If Were Together, Why Do I Feel So Alone?: How to Build Intimacy with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

Relationships impact almost everything and almost everything impacts relationships. When I say almost everything, Im not exaggerating. Relationships influence our self-esteem, happiness, physical health, pain tolerance, lifestyle, and career satisfaction. They can fill our lives with joy, security, and energy or be a major player in creating burdensome worry, anxiety, sadness, and a sense of draining defeat. Its not surprising that, as a psychologist, I spend the majority of session time with my patients trying to help heal relationshipsthe ones my clients have with others, as well as the one they have with themselves.

When individuals or couples come to see me for therapy, one of the most common issues revealed when we discuss their relationships is emotional availability. What is emotional availability? It is the ability and readiness to build an emotional bond with another, and to actively participate in a gratifying and healthful relationship that meets each persons needs. Some people are naturally more emotionally available for connection while others find emotional connectedness to be a real struggle. For those who struggle, opening to connection is a major part of our therapeutic work.

In light of the tremendous influence relationships have in determining a persons quality of life, I feel an intense passion to help people find ways to fill their lives with the healthiest, most rewarding relationships possible. Emotional unavailability is a barrier to meaningful connection and its impact is devastating and far-reaching.

But before going further, Id like to clear up a common misunderstanding. Contrary to popular myth, emotional unavailability doesnt just belong to the guys. Women can also be unavailable. In my practice and in my life as a whole, Ive met incredibly emotionally present men and extremely unavailable women. Although men and women do have their differences, were actually far more similar than we are different and, in the end, were all human. And humans, regardless of gender, are unique in how available we are, and in the ways we are available. The same is true for same-sex relationships: Unavailability plagues gay and lesbian relationships just as much as it does heterosexual relationships. Keeping this in mind, if you find the vignettes in this book dont match your gender or orientation, dont worry about it. Just consider the characteristics youre reading about and weigh in on how much the general dynamic fits your own relationship.

Emotional unavailability is a barrier to meaningful connection for anyone, but the good news is that there are techniques to help remove the barriers, or at least move them in the right direction. If Were Together, Why Do I Feel So Alone? is a practical guide, one in which each step toward connection lays the foundation for the next one. Thats why my recommendation is to follow the chapters in order rather than skip around.

The first step is to identify the ways in which emotional unavailability is present in your relationship and to explore some of the types of unavailability (unavailability can take other forms not mentioned here, but well address the issues many people struggle with) and their possible underlying causes. The next step is to take time to consider your situation: Youll be invited to contemplate whether your relationship is one worth fighting for, or whether your relationship is a fundamentally unhealthy one that warrants a self-preserving exit. If you choose to invest your energy into saving your relationship, then in the following chapters youll learn more about what personally empowering actions you can take to work toward removing the emotional unavailability barriers in your relationship and youll be given techniques to move forward as a closer couple. If you choose to end the relationship, youll learn about ways to make meaning out of your experiences and be given suggestions on how to move on.

Regardless of what you choose, self-care is key. The final chapter in If Were Together, Why Do I Feel So Alone? offers coping tools to manage the stress of either repairing your relationship or being on your own. I want to emphasize here that I am not implying you are lacking self-care skills. In the act of buying this book, you are clearly seeking solutions in an active and productive way.

As you read this book, I want to invite you to have an open mind and expansive expectations. Why do I say this? First, because it can be really tough to take a long, honest look at your relationship and consider what you can do to improve it if your partner is the one who seems to be undermining it. Second, because I cant guarantee an outcome. We have some power to be a source of influence for people in our life, but none of us can control other beings and make them do what we think is best. With this in mind, I suggest you follow the different ways of thinking and the exercises in the chapters that follow, and then be prepared to accept it if your partner still chooses to remain the same.

But please dont lose sight of the fact that change is absolutely possible. I wouldnt have written this book if I didnt completely believe relationships can heal and evolve. I am convinced they canand very often they do.