Veronica Kallos-Lilly - An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us

AN EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED WORKBOOK FOR COUPLES

This workbook is intended for use with couples who want to enhance their emotional connection or overcome their relationship distress. It is recommended for use with couples pursuing Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). It closely follows the course of treatment and is designed so that clinicians can easily integrate guided reading and reflections into the therapeutic process. The material is presented in a recurring format: Read, Reflect, and Discuss. Readings help couples look at their relationship through an attachment lens, walking them through the step-by-step process of creating a secure relationship bond. Thirty-three Reflections invite readers to engage with the material personally, expanding their own awareness and ability to tune into their partner. Discussion sections suggest relationship-building exercises and a framework for conversations that promote safety, disclosure, and engagement. Case examples, along with informative illustrations, are scattered throughout the book to validate, illustrate, and inspire couples along their journey. Clinicians conversant with EFT can use this workbook to extend the effectiveness of their work with couples by giving them structured tasks to work on between sessions. For clinicians training in EFT, the book can guide them in staying focused on the EFT roadmap and illuminate how important change events unfold.

Veronica Kallos-Lilly, PhD, is a Registered Psychologist and Co-Founder and Director of the Vancouver & Family Institute and the Vancouver Centre for EFT Training in British Columbia, Canada. She is also a certified EFT supervisor and trainer.

Jennifer Fitzgerald, PhD, is a Clinical Psychologist in private practice and Senior Lecturer at the University of Queensland in Brisbane, Australia. She is also a certified EFT supervisor and trainer.

AN EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED WORKBOOK FOR COUPLES

The Two of Us

Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald

First published 2015
by Routledge
711 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10017

and by Routledge
27 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex BN3 2FA

Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business

2015 Taylor and Francis

The rights of Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald to be identified as the authors of this work have been asserted by them in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. The purchase of this copyright material confers the right on the purchasing institution to photocopy pages which bear the photocopy icon and copyright line at the bottom of the page. No other parts of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers.

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Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Kallos-Lilly, Veronica.

An emotionally focused workbook for couples: the two of us / Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Marital psychotherapy. 3. Emotion-focused therapy. 4. Interpersonal relations. 5. Attachment behavior. I. Fitzgerald, Jennifer. II. Title.

HQ801.K323 2014

616.891562dc23

2014006964

ISBN: 978-0-415-74189-7 (hbk)
ISBN: 978-0-415-74248-1 (pbk)
ISBN: 978-1-315-81456-8 (ebk)

Typeset in Stone Serif
by Swales & Willis, Exeter, Devon

Dear Reader,

I would like to welcome you to An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us. I hope reading it will encourage you to work on your relationship in a way that complements your sessions with your emotionally focused couple therapist, or with any couple therapist who is consulting with you on your relationship. Perhaps you are just wanting to learn about or enhance the bond with your mate and want to use this book to give you direction. Whatever the reason you reached out and picked up this volume, I think you will not be disappointed.

The authors of this volume are expert couple therapists who have helped hundreds of couples change their relationship for the better. They have taken the wisdom of the emotionally focused model (EFT), garnered from 30 years of working with couples, and numerous research projects finding that this approach shapes positive outcomes, and made it available to you in a format you can use in your own home.

The approach to relationships that forms the basis for EFT and for this volume is based on two decades of research on the bonds of attachment between adult lovers. The perspectives and exercises offered here are right on target; they arise from a clear understanding of the bonds of love and how these bonds work in adult relationships. We believe that love is no longer a mystery but something we can understand and shape. We hope that this book will help you do just thatshape your precious relationship into a more satisfying and lasting bond.

Dr Sue Johnson
(Drsuejohnson.com)

Many people have directly or indirectly contributed to this book. We want to acknowledge with gratitude the assistance of our colleagues who have reviewed earlier drafts of this manuscript and offered helpful feedback; namely, Professor Sue Johnson, Ms Yolanda Von Haukhauf, Dr Marlene Best and Dr Richard Harrison. Special thanks to Dr Scott Woolley for giving us permission to use and adapt the infinity loop diagram he developed as a training tool. We would also like to express our gratitude to the many couples who have shared with us their journey in creating secure loving connections.

(JF) Personal thanks and acknowledgement to my academic mentor in close relationships and attachment research, Associate Professor Judith Feeney; my clinical teacher and mentor, Professor Sue Johnson; my friend and colleague, Dr Veronica Kallos-Lilly, for travelling so often to Australia to teach EFT; my late parents, Florence and Ned Churchward, for giving me a secure start in life; and my husband William Fitzgerald and our children Dominic, Michael and Madeleine, for their unwavering love and encouragement over so many years.

(VKL) I would like to thank Dr Sue Johnson, for being an inspiration, mentor and secure base; Dr Jenny Fitzgerald for being a safe haven friend and colleague; and my parents, Agi and Pista Kallos, for their love and belief in me. I would like to dedicate this work to my precious ones, Bob, Drew and Maddie, for all the sunshine you bring into my world and for holding my hand as we walk through life together.

If you are content in your couple relationship, needing help with your relationship or recovering from a relationship breakup, then this book could well be beneficial to you. This book is for people who want to understand and experience how to build a secure bond with a relationship partner. We have written this book for couples, because couple relationships are the central focus of our professional lives. As therapists we have been invited inside the lives of many, many couples. In so doing, we have witnessed the anguish of broken relationships, the hard work involved in repairing relationships and the joy of healed relationships. We want to help you make your relationship as happy and secure as possible.