Lori Cluff Schade - Couples Therapy Workbook for Healing: Emotionally Focused Therapy Techniques to Restore Your Relationship

Copyright 2020 by Rockridge Press, Emeryville, California

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ISBN: Print 978-1-64739-148-5 | eBook 978-1-64739-149-2

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This workbook is dedicated to Steve Schade, my husband of 33 years, who has been a willing participant and good sport in my marriage enhancement adventures, and who regularly makes me laugh by randomly suggesting that we talk about our feelings. Im certain that he is the most noncritical and encouraging partner on the planet, which makes me feel incredibly lucky.

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A few years ago, my husband and I were visiting potential rental properties with our realtor. As we were leaving the third apartment, my realtor remarked that he saw me studying the wedding photos in each residence. He was right. Im magnetically drawn to wedding photos, because they usually exude joy and presumably represent a day of happy connection. I often wonder what people were thinking on that day, what surprises they have encountered since then, and what challenges they have overcome. I have been practicing as a marriage and family therapist along with raising my family for over 30 years, and have spent the last dozen years specializing in treating couples. The last few decades of groundbreaking research related to adult romantic attachment have informed a model I find effective for treating couples. This method is emotionally focused couples therapy, or EFT. It is considered a gold-standard treatment for partners in distress.

When I began seeing couples in therapy in 1989, I was frustrated with the interventions taught in my graduate program. The traditional behavioral techniques seemed to help with only mildly distressed couples, like newlyweds who had not yet entrenched themselves in negative patterns. However, I was soon faced with more challenging couples, most of whom had been married for a decade or longer and had histories laced with pain and insecurities. High emotion escalated rapidly with these couples and I soon found myself helplessly caught in a whirlwind of anger and hurt, feeling like I was more referee than therapist.

Even when couples reported improvement in sessions, it seemed inevitable that they would return the following week as distressed as ever, reporting that the communication skills we so carefully negotiated went out the window at the start of any argument. Nothing I did back then seemed to create durable change for couples. I developed a preference for individual therapy to couples work because it was easier to manage the emotions in session.

About a decade later, my colleague told me about a new model that was developed by Dr. Susan Johnson. The model focused on the importance of the emotional bonds in our adult romantic relationships. I was immediately intrigued. I decided to get trained in the model, and finally felt empowered to treat couples. Where before I lacked confidence to choreograph events for positive change in session, I now had a therapeutic approach with clearly defined goals, stages, and interventions to help couples make long-term relationship changes. Sue Johnsons research and clinical work have been key components of a paradigm shift toward acknowledging the importance of romantic attachment bonds. Her work has also been key to integrating the exploration and acceptance of emotion into the therapeutic experience.

Today, EFT, backed by a large body of empirical research, has been applied to a wide variety of clinical presentations and populations. It has been used effectively with couples with depression, PTSD, childhood trauma, eating disorders, addictions, and chronic and terminal illness. It has helped couples struggling with aphasia, infertility, infidelity, sexual dysfunction, parenting challenges, and social and other anxieties. It has effectively aided remarried couples, culturally diverse couples, gay and lesbian couples, and couples with general relationship dissatisfaction. I have witnessed couples shift their negative patterns into more open, flexible, and secure bonding exchanges. EFT provides tools for couples to transform their relationships in remarkable ways.

There are already some very useful published resources to guide couples to understand and improve their relationships by undergoing EFT. This book is meant to be an additional resource to facilitate strong couple bonds. I see struggling couples make positive long-term changes every day, which drives my professional sense of purpose as I help couples restore loving bonds. Im confident that through the explanations, examples, and shared experiences in this workbook, couples can access hope and see possibilities to shape resilient and fulfilling ties.