Natalie Lue NML - Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl: The Definitive Guide to Understanding Emotionally Unavailable Men and the Women that Love Them

MR UNAVAILABLE AND THE FALLBACK GIRL

Kindle Edition

Copyright Natalie Lue 2008-2011

Published by Naughty Girl Media. All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Natalie Lue asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work. Book design by Lulabird Creative www.lulacreative.co.uk. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author. This e-book may not be re-sold or passed on to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy. If are reading this book and did not purchase it, please purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This book is for my girls.

Once upon a time I was an eight-year-old girl living next door to a hot boy who was two years older. I wistfully watched him over the wall each day and hoped that hed fancy me back one day. He wasnt interested in me but that didnt stop his smiles or our conversations from lighting up my world. A few years later and I was 13, at summer camp and blindly in love with an aloof, miserable-looking character called David. I actually dont recall if we ever had a conversation and I have no idea what I was interested in. Camp finished after two weeks but my feelings stretched out for a year.

Fortunately I learned not to go for the miserable, self-absorbed, barely-say-a-word ones anymore, but my interests turned to boys and then men who would pursue me relentlessly, and then toy with my emotions until I didnt know my arse from my elbow. I had a string of relationships lasting from months to years, so I assumed that I loved being in relationships - it was just a shame that they were never with the right guy! My love life and penchant for showstopping breakups, men that blew hot and cold, and the shift in my persona that I felt around these life-sappers became entertainment fodder for my friends and family, and eventually for my blog readers. As far as I was concerned, the issue wasnt with me and I was just damn unlucky in love.

Even when I was struck down with the autoimmune disease sarcoidosis in the year that I both got engaged and broke it off, I couldnt connect with the notion that I might have needed to look within myself for the answers. I left him because our relationship was a catastrophic mistake and I wanted to be true to myself and live life on my own terms, but a couple of months later I took up the starring role of the Other Woman to a guy with a girlfriend. I thought I was a smart, sophisticated, single woman about town who was in control of this no-frills arrangement but I rapidly slid into When Exactly Do You Intend On Leaving Her? Mode , and even issued a few ultimatums where the deadline passed and I was still there.

During this period, my health seriously deteriorated. As I struggled with my vision, being able to breathe, move around, and the lumps that riddled my body, I wondered if Id ever lead a normal, healthy, happy life, but seemed to be stuck in a vicious cycle of pain and a dangerous, co-dependent relationship. When my mother said, You need to love yourself and reconnect with your spirit , I felt offended that she would suggest that what was happening to me had anything to do with a lack of self-love.

It took 18 months of drama and broken promises before I managed to extricate myself from the affair. There were so many times that I should have walked, but none more so than after a terrible panic attack. Hed been whining about other men being interested in me and pressuring me about our situation, and suddenly I couldnt breathe and was sitting in a doorway in the middle of London trying to pull myself together. It was one of the most devastating things that ever happened to me and his way to deal with it was to escort me to the Tube, and go home to his girlfriend as he was too afraid to make sure I got home in one piece.

Shellshocked afterwards, my worth hit an all-time low. My primary thought was I am such an unlovable person that he put me on packed Tube on a Friday night in the midst of a panic attack. If I was a loveable person, he would never have treated me that way . It took three weeks to recover and I realised that I had to find a way for things to end because I didnt think I could bear a repeat. He apologised profusely and made every excuse under the sun but the damage was irreparable. It was hard to let go but what kept me focused was putting myself first. He put himself first and then his girlfriend and if I couldnt prioritise myself, who would?

Like an apparent breath of fresh air, another Mr Unavailable entered into my life a short while later. He seemed so nice and normal, and he chased me until he had my full attention. Hed broken up with a long-term girlfriend a few months before and still shared a home with her. Because hed pursued, I assumed that not only was he interested, but that he must be ready to move on. After five months in which the relationship barely got out the gate, he finally admitted, that he wasnt ready for another relationship.

The frustrations I experienced with him and what I wrote about on my blog after ending it, were the beginning of a self-defining, life-changing period in my life. While Id learned some painful lessons, I recognised that Id have to go through some self-discovery to extricate myself from this unhealthy pattern. Waking up at the age of twenty-eight and acknowledging that I seemed to have a penchant for emotionally unavailable men (Mr Unavailables) was terrifying.

Confronted with the truth of my relationship history, I had to accept that Im the only recurring character in the soap opera called my life.

I am, of course, the common denominator in every single relationship Ive ever had, and if Ive found myself in a pattern, I created it. Id spent years chalking up my experiences and patterns to bad luck and laughing it off, either for my own sanity or for the benefit of others, but with the past ten years playing out in my head and my health in tatters, it was time to stop using humour as an avoidance prop and get serious.

When I began writing about Mr Unavailables and sharing my insights with readers around the world, I was basically thinking out loud and organising my thoughts and past experiences to do some self-evaluation. I genuinely thought it was just me initially, but as soon as I declared my penchant for Mr Unavailables, I heard from many others who seemed to be living my life. Initially I thought recognising it was enough but I went on to date two more Mr Unavailables (albeit briefly) and attracted plenty more. It became clear that my relationships up to this point were about avoiding commitment and intimacy, only I was discovering that pseudo-relationships were no longer enough because my self-worth was improving.

When I admitted that being involved with these men meant that I couldnt possibly have been that happy within myself, others joined me in liberating themselves from the pretence. There was an undeniable sense of relief and I realised that many women numb themselves to the pain of whats happening in their lives because they dont think theyre supposed to admit how difficult it is to balance your self-esteem with your quest for a relationship and all of the attendant external pressures. Id buried so much of what was bothering me that it seemed to have manifested itself by throwing out my mystery illness.

I used to wonder why I was the girl that these guys thought would be ideal for a pseudo-relationship .

Why did they think they could disappear and then call me up and just expect to pick up from where we left off? What happened to all the promise I saw at the beginning? Why did I always seem to draw in men with girlfriends, wives, or an ever-present mother in the background with long apron strings attached? Why did I keep apologising for being me? Why did I always have to change myself in order for things to work? There were so many questions.