Andrew G. Marshall - The Happy Couples Handbook: Powerful Life Hacks for a Successful Relationship

Every reasonable effort has been made to contact copyright holders. If any have been overlooked, the publishers would be glad to hear from them and make good in future editions any errors or omissions brought to their attention.

The case histories in this book are based on couples with whom I have worked in my marital therapy practice (their identities have been changed to protect confidentiality and sometimes two or three cases have been merged together) and individuals who wrote to my website.

If readers have a medical complaint, it is important that they consult their doctor.

Marshall Method Publishing

London Florida Berlin

www.marshallmethodpublishing.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Date is available through the Library of Congress.

ISBN: 978-0-9955403-7-8
ISBN: 978-0-9955403-8-5 (ePub)

Copyright 2019 by Andrew G. Marshall

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the author.

Cover and interior design: Gary A. Rosenberg www.thebookcouple.com

Printed in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

To Heather,
for all her work behind the scenes

W ouldnt it wonderful if the night before you got married, someone tapped you on the shoulder and told you all the secrets of a happy marriage. Ideally, it would be your mother or your father but sadly nobody initiated them into how to nurture, protect, and repair their love either. They had to make it up as they went along too.

If you were lucky, your parents had good instincts and created a loving atmosphere that has helped you grow and thrive. Yet even in these circumstances, they would probably find it hard to offer any advicebecause when things are working well, there is no need to look under the hood and understand what makes a relationship run smoothly.

If you were unlucky, your parents had a tough start in lifeperhaps their parents died when they were young, hardships meant everybody was too busy surviving, or there were dark family secretsand although your mother and father have done their best for you, they have nothing more to offer than dont make the same mistakes I did.

Nobody told me the secrets on the eve of my marriage either. Although my parents were happily married for fifty-nine years, my father was a man of few words. He could have explained how to balance my accounts or how to hang wallpaper but not what makes a relationship tick. My mother was equally practical and, when I was growing up, nobody ever discussed feelings. No wonder I became a therapist and spend my life talking about them!

The most important thing Ive learned from my training, working with over three thousand clients, and from my own personal experience is that love needs skills as well as chemistry. So what are these skills? They are about naming your feelings and reporting themrather than being overwhelmed by them or bottling them up and then blowing. I will teach you to ask for what you needrather than dropping hints or nagging until your partner finally complies. I will help you to say no or maybe and to negotiate with your partner. I will explain the rules for a good argumentwhere you can disagree and resolve issues without hurting each other. In effect, I will initiate you into the secrets of a happy marriage and teach you the skills that your parents either didnt know or couldnt put into words.

Perhaps this sounds like a lot of hard work, but dont worry. I have boiled down everything Ive gleaned in over thirty years of counseling couples into a set of simple life hacks. (My thanks to everyone who has allowed me to use their experiences to write this book. I have changed some of the details to protect identities and in some cases blended stories.) I believe that small changes can make a big difference to your relationship. My policy is not to ask you to work harder but to think smarter so your relationship will become more connected and more loving.

Finally, if your marriage is hanging by a thread or youre recovering from infidelityand you want to stay together but you dont know howthese life hacks are powerful enough to repair the damage.

Whatever your situation, its never too late to learn the skills for a happy marriage. So please consider this book your tap on the shoulder

Andrew G. Marshall

www.andrewgmarshall.com

CHAPTER ONE

W hat is the best predictor of a long and happy relationship? Coming from similar backgrounds? Common interests, ambitions, and attitudes? A healthy sex life? The amount of support from family and friends? Great chemistry? All of these are useful, but ultimately not decisive. Numerous research projects have come to the same conclusion. It doesnt matter how many problems a couple face, or how difficult, the best predictor for happiness is how well they are handled.

It should be reasonably easy to disagree with your partner, put your point of view across, debate the differences, and find a compromise. After all, you love each other and want the best for each other. But this is just one of the many paradoxes about love. The more that you love someone, the more it hurts if he or she is upset and the more you hurt if he or she rejects you. So while a dispute with a work colleague or a run-in with a stranger can be shrugged off reasonably easily, one with your partner is doubly painful and therefore doubly difficult to resolve.

Worse still, there are no lessons at school on how to argue effectively and make up afterwardso there is no resentment and fuel for round twoand if you did not learn at home (because your parents set the negative example of sulking for days or tearing into each other) it is even harder to know where to start. Thats why I have put together a series of love hacks to draw on. It will help you foster attitudes that take the sting out of disagreements, recognize any bad habits, put your case in an assertive but not aggressive way, listen to your partner respectfully, postmortem a row, and ultimately, resolve your differences.

The first love hack is to take stock and understand how you and your partner settle disputes.

WHATS YOUR ARGUING STYLE?

This quiz puts the spotlight on your relationships strengths and weaknesses, and provides some targeted advice:

You partner leaves her or his shoes where you can trip over them, or clothes where they dont belong. What is your reaction?

a) Count to ten.

b) My partner is thoughtless, lazy, or disrespectful.

c) I really must speak to him or her.

Your partner needs to spend time away from home for his or her job, hobby, or further education. This leaves you looking after the kidsagain. How do you react?

a) Inwardly seethe and feel taken for granted. However, you complain only to your mother, a friend, or not at all.