Stan Wenck - Love Him, Love His Kids: The Stepmothers Guide to Surviving and Thriving in a Blended Family

Love
Him,
Love
His
Kids

The Stepmothers Guide to Surviving
and Thriving in a Blended Family

___________________________________________________

STAN WENCK, EdD AND CONNI E J. HANSEN, MS

Copyright 2009 by F+W Media, Inc.
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by
Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN-10: 1-59869-894-X
ISBN-13: 978-1-59869-894-7
eISBN: 978-1-44051-385-5

Printed in the United States of America.

J I H G F E D C B A

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
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Contents

CHAPTER 1
Meeting His Kids and Building Relationships

CHAPTER 2
Helping Resistant, Shy, and Special Children

CHAPTER 3
Establishing Yourself as a New Couple

CHAPTER 4
Whats Our Address?

CHAPTER 5
Custody Arrangements with His (and Maybe) Your Kids

CHAPTER 6
Listening and Relating to His Kids Biological Mom

CHAPTER 7
Sharing Daddy with His Kids

CHAPTER 8
Creating Family Rituals of Your Own

CHAPTER 9
Disciplining Stepkids

CHAPTER 10
Basic Duties and Responsibilities

CHAPTER 11
Surviving Holidays, Birthdays, and Vacations

CHAPTER 12
Religion and Culture

CHAPTER 13
(Step)Money Matters

CHAPTER 14
When to Call 911

CHAPTER 15
Job Satisfaction for the Effective Stepmom

Acknowledgments

O nly two names appear on this books cover, but so many more have contributed to its completion. A special note of gratitude is extended to Kevin P. Erb for his conscientious editing and formatting. Appreciation is also extended to Dr. Diana Osborne and Nancy Shirley, MSW, for their insightful and candid manuscript critiques.

Lessons learned over the years from colleagues, clients, students, and friends provided much insight and have aided in framing our philosophy. Encouragement from this group helped us manage uncertain moments.

Perhaps most of all, we are indebted to some seventy veteran stepmoms who granted interviews and responded to our questionnaire. These moms who have been there provided an intimate knowledge available from no other source. Their views on preparing for successful stepmotherhood, what to expect, and what to do about it constitute the real core of this book. Their insights fill every page of Love Him, Love His Kids.

Finally, this work is dedicated to our families and friends. We thank them all for their enthusiasm, patience, and support during this books creation.

Introduction

Y ou already know the bad news: Census reports show that nearly 50 percent of first marriages fail. But did you know that around 67 percent of second marriages fail, and approximately 70 to 75 percent of subsequent marriages fail?

What is the number one cause of failure in a second or third marriage? You guessed it: The challenges of incorporating stepkids into the relationship. Not only do you face the everyday challenges of marriage and maintaining a harmonious union, youre now adding children into the mix. When you blend families, you throw a bunch of new people under the same roof (full- or part-time), yet you still have to juggle the rigors and responsibilities of daily life, meet everyones needs, set new priorities, and get to work on time. It seems overwhelmingbecause it often is.

You may have heard horror story after horror story from stepfamilies trying to adjust to their new lives. We like to think that successful stepfamily partners are usually quieter about their situationsthats why you dont hear their stories! Yes, creating a successful stepfamily may be a daunting and difficult task, but it can happen. And it can bring you incredible rewards and happiness. Our objectives in writing this book were twofold: (1) to help you anticipate and accept your challenges, and (2) to assist you in developing a positive success story.

While writing this book, we interviewed numerous therapists, ministers, and counselors, as well as divorced, single, married, and remarried persons. Instead of just burying our noses in books, we went out and asked people whod done it for their advice. We surveyed scores of current and former stepmoms, asking questions like:

What should women know about the father of their future stepchildren before marrying him?

How do his prior marriages and relationships affect your life?

Where should the new family live?

We also asked about custody, visitation, discipline, money, and basic responsibility issues. We compiled their information with our own professional observations to give you a complete picture of whats ahead.

For Those Yet to Make a Commitment

For those of you who are simply in a relationship with someone who has children, or are about to be married to someone with children, take this opportunity to educate yourself about what might lay ahead.

First, be sure you and your partner are really right for each other. Although opposites attract is a catchy phrase, most relationship authorities suggest that similarities, not differences, make for enduring partnerships. Be sure you see honest and mutual disclosure of such issues as finances, health, job stability, life goals, and interests early in your relationship. Also, note his track record in previous relationships. His habits will most likely play out again, no matter how wonderful you might be. Most psychologists report that ones track record is one of the best predictors of future behavior.

Beyond personality traits, its important to decide whether both of you are ready for a serious relationship. Do either of you have unfinished emotional business? Consider your own history and learn why your previous marriage or relationship ended. Its often difficult to determine what you could have done differently to obtain a more positive outcome from a failed relationshipwhats important is that you set realistic expectations for your next relationship. Your expectations may be so unrealistic that your marriage and role of stepparent might be destined to fail before you begin. Thats never a good start. Before you even begin considering the specifics of how to maintain a positive stepparenting household, you must identify exactly what your own personal needs are as a woman and a person. Ask yourself some very insightful and heartfelt questions like the following: