Rachelle Katz - The Happy Stepmother

When this project first took shape in my mind, I had no idea of the complexity and enormity of the task that lay ahead of me, nor did I realize how many wonderful people would support, guide and encourage me each step of the way. I am most grateful to family and friends for their patience, understanding and forbearance as I toiled for years to complete this book. Most notably, I want to thank my parents, Estelle and Leo, my husband, Ronnie, and my stepdaughter, Jackie, for their unwavering love and unconditional support. My friends, Donna Linn, Dan Cohen, Barbara Bedick, Jill Bresler, and Jennifer Kotter read the manuscript at various stages, and offered many helpful suggestions. Their efforts extended beyond the usual bounds of friendship, and I am privileged to have them as my friends.

I have been fortunate to work with many talented, creative individuals who contributed their professional expertise to The Happy Stepmother. Joelle Delbourgo is the most competent and lovely literary agent; I am so grateful for her diligent efforts on my behalf. Working with Sarah Pelz, my editor at Harlequin Nonfiction, has been a gift I truly cherish. Because she combines intelligence and grace in all interactions, collaborating with her has been an absolutely joyous experience for me. I also want to thank everyone at Harlequin who worked so diligently on my behalf. I want to extend a special thanks to a most skilled and dedicated editor and friend, Pam Middleton, who embraced this project with as much enthusiasm as my own. Penelope Franklin edited the manuscript with incisive insights and demanded that I persevere until my best efforts were expended. I am so grateful for her guidance and wisdom. I also want to thank Betty Kelly Sargent and Phyllis Stern for their invaluable editorial help. I consider myself blessed with beginners luck that collaboration on this project has been a joyous experience.

Last, I am eternally grateful to the wonderful women who responded to the Steps for Stepmothers online questionnaire and who participated in the online chat room for their willingness to disclose such highly personal information in the service of helping other stepmothers. I sincerely hope that the combined efforts and commitment of everyone who nurtured this book to completion will help many stepmothers lead happier, healthier lives.

A s a stepmother or a woman who may become one in the near future, do you find yourself amazed and concerned by the sheer number of challenges you face every day? Would you ever in a million years have imagined dealing with so many emotional upheavals and tedious chores, just because you fell in love with a man who already had children? Has your zest for life started to evaporate? If so, you are not alone. Many other stepmothers face the same emotional difficulties, but it doesnt have to be this way.

I have written this book for stepmothers who have not found their role to be easy and for women considering marrying men with children and who need reassurance and guidance about becoming stepmothers. Consider the following questions to see if The Happy Stepmother can help you:

• Do you find being a stepmother a struggle, or are you worried that it will be a challenge after your marriage?
• Do you have full-time care of your stepchildren and end up doing all the work, but get little appreciation and affection in return for your efforts?
• Do you feel worn out by the effort to blend your two families?
• Do you dread the time you spend with your partners children?
• Do you feel jealous when your partner spends time alone with his children?
• Are you angry because you feel your needs are rarely considered?
• Do you dwell on stepfamily problems frequently during the day?
• Is it difficult to talk civilly to your partner about his children, and is this driving a wedge between the two of you?
• Does your partner expect you to discipline his children, but then criticizes you for being too tough when you do?
• Have you found yourself being mean, even cruel, to your partner and his children, and cant believe the words you hear coming from your own mouth?

If your answer is yes to at least one of these questions, The Happy Stepmother can help you take giant steps toward leading an emotionally healthy life.

As a stepmother, and as a psychotherapist with more than twenty-five years of experience treating many stepmothers, Ive come to realize the extraordinary challenge this role can present. Studies from the U.S. Census Bureau indicate that 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce (compared to 50 percent of first marriages)! This figure is shockingly high, and should give pause to all of us who are thinking about marrying, or who are married to, men with children from a previous relationship. With only a four-in-ten chance of our marriages surviving, it is important for all of us to take the necessary precautions to avoid becoming another divorce casualty. The Happy Stepmother will help improve and strengthen your relationship with your partner.

Despite the challenges we stepmothers face, the role receives very little acknowledgment or support from others. Generally speaking, our culture does not recognize the love, kindness and compassion we give to our stepchildren. Our efforts to form close relationships with them, and to take care of their physical and emotional needs when they spend time with us, are largely overlooked by others. Instead, society perceives us as one step removed from the family, second best, or unfairly stepping into someone elses shoes. Without knowing us, others tend to assume that we are hostile and cruel to our stepchildren.

Often, stepmothers become scapegoats for many problems of the modern family. We are unfairly blamed when our stepchildren experience problems, such as dropping out of school or abusing drugs and alcohol. It is easier for society to blame us when stepfamily members fail to thrive than to thoroughly examine the multifaceted reasons that actually contribute to their various problems and to take the necessary measures to prevent their occurrence.

In fact, regardless of the actual circumstances of meeting and getting involved with our partners, we stepmothers are frequently perceived as home wreckers, who deserve any misery that comes our way. This widespread societal belief affirms that we stepmothers are responsible for the failure of our partners prior marriage, even though most of us met our mates long after their separation from their exes. When I told a colleague I was working on a self-help book for stepmothers, he wondered out loud why I would want to help home wreckers. I was shocked by his statement, since he was married to a woman whom he met years after divorcing his first wife, and who was a generous, loving stepmother to his children. Even though his personal experience contradicted the stereotype, it remained ingrained in his consciousness, an indication of its powerful nature.