Sally Bjornsen - The Single Girls Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming a Stepmother with Humor and Grace

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Table of Contents

Sally Bjornsen

TO MY BOYS

Acknowledgments

The Single Girls Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife would not have been possible without the many successful sassy stepmothers who believed in this book and who were willing to give me the straight scoop about being a stepmother. You are all inspirations to me.

Furthermore, this book would never have made it past the idea phase had it not been for the encouragement of my brilliant and witty friends Portia Langworthy and Sean OConner, who were always there to tell me what was and wasnt funny. And for Kerrie Foss, Whitney Whiton, and Waverly Fitzgerald, who kept me honest, inspired, and politically correct.

I give great thanks to my agent and cheerleader, Laurie Abekmeier, who not only embraced the idea of The Single Girls Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife, but also was willing to tutor me on the intricate details of the publishing world. And to my editor Christine Zika, who believed in the book so much she wanted to publish it.

To Susan, for whom I have great respect and appreciation, thank you for giving me the opportunity to love your sons.

And to my boys, all three of them: It is your laughter, spontaneity and support that makes my world go round.

Lastly, thanks to my husband, who saw something in me early on that made him think Id be a good stepmother. Thank you for your undying confidence, patience, and sense of humor.

INTRODUCTION :

The Ride of Your Life

Congratulations. If youre reading this book, you are likely a new or soon-to-be new stepmother and wife. Hold onbecause this is going to be the wildest ride of your life. And like most wild rides it will scare the hell out of you and make you laugh your tail offall at the same time.

When I got married a few years ago, the media had just released a rash of reports on the dismal outlook for any woman over thirty hoping to get married. According to experts, I was in my marital sunset years and damn lucky to have landed a living, breathing straight man who wasnt drooling or in need of a sugar mama. I could hardly believe my good fortune. My husband-to-be was handsome and tall, which served my need to feel thin and small. He was nuts about me and laughed at most of my jokes. But there was one minor detail: My knight had a small family complete with two boys and an ex-wife nearby. Love-struck and relieved that there was still at least one good guy left, I willingly overlooked what seemed like mere minutiae at the time and pursued the relationship with gusto!

Within four months of our meeting, Mark, my soon-to-be fianc, and his little township moved into my one-bedroom nine-hundred-square-foot condo. It was bliss. When his boys werent with us, we basked in the glow of new love. When they were with us (one-third of the time), Mark and I slept like sardines on a borrowed futon in the living room while the boys slept like snoring rocks in the bedroom. It was an ongoing slumber party. Within a year we were all happily engaged. But a year later and many months into our marriage, the slumber party came to a screeching halt. I was ready to scream uncle, as well as some other choice expletives.

Distraught that I wasnt enamored with my role as a stepmother, I sought some practical counsel from friends and family on the dos and donts of keeping the romance while helping to raise someone elses kids. Much to my chagrin I found that no one in my circle of confidants had any helpful advice because they hadnt been there. I was further stunned to find so few books written on the topic.

After several trips to the bookstore and the library, I found a few tomes that tackled the stepmother subject buried among the many self-help books written on biological parenting, childbirth, and divorce. With the exception of The Complete Idiots Guide to Stepparenting (which targeted idiot stepmothers), most books were written for discouraged stepmothers on the brink of disaster or, at the very least, divorce. It was depressing!

Disappointed by the lack of written guidance, I sought out a local stepmother support group. Six of us sat in a circle as the facilitator encouraged us to spill our stories of crisis and frustration. I left feeling turned off and glad I hadnt attended the group before I agreed to get married. Instead of tales of woe, I wanted to hear about the seven, twelve, or sixteen steps for stepmother success. What I needed was a savvy stepmother role model. A Carol Brady or Maria Von Trapp with a sense of humora fresh-faced stepmother who actually liked being one.

With few options and no role model, I tried to construct the steps to success on my own, making them up and trying them out as I stumbled along. Now, years later, I still occasionally slip and fall, but most of the time Im amazed at how much enjoyment and satisfaction I get from my ready-made family.

The Single Girls Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife is written for you, the budding stepmother and wife. I hope it can give you the support, camaraderie, and inspiration that I longed for in those first few years of marriage and stepmotherhood. While I cant personally meet you for coffee to brag about stepkids or to advise you about how to behave at Little League games or piano recitals, I can offer you some honest and straightforward firsthand guidance from a seasoned pro and the dozens of sassy stepmother friends I interviewed. So please sit back, pour yourself a glass of wine, and enjoy the ride.

CHAPTER ONE

Stepmotherhood 101

What to Expect When Youre Expecting is the bible for soon-to-be biological moms (aka bio-moms). Over the years I have purchased at least four copies of this highly acclaimed book of advice for inexperienced friends and relatives who have found themselves in the mothering way. When I gleefully announced that I was in the stepmothering way, there was no de facto stepmothering guide for me. Instead of a manual of advice on how to raise someone elses children, my friends gave me a bottle of wine and a diary and toasted me with something akin to Glad its you and not me.

Unlike our bio-mom counterparts, stepmothers have no gestation period to get used to the idea of becoming a parent. There is no nine-month primer filled with congratulations and grandmotherly advice, no strangers patting your tummy or time-tested counsel from Dr. Spock. There are no stepmother showers, no books with chatty stepmother advice (except this one), and no tuna noodle casseroles on the doorstep. Instead we go into the role blindly, without any tutelage from friends, books, or doctors.

A Sense of Humor Is a Stepmothers Best Friend

Now after years of making my share of stepmothering faux pas, I have become, within my social circle, the consummate expert on the topic. My qualifications are few: I am relatively sane, still crazy about my husband, and usually amused and enchanted (and occasionally enraged) by my sweet and sometimes evil stepsons. It is this list of qualifications that prompts the question from women of all ages: How do you do it? I often wonder if this is a rhetorical question or if the questioner is truly looking for a magical answer. Regardless, I have worked up my signature response to the inquiry. First I offer a sly smile and then I say, with the proud confidence of a seasoned professional, With a sense of humor, my dear.

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