Rob Stennett - The Perfect Dad: A Totally Achievable Guide to Not Messing Up Your Kids

This book wouldnt exist without my dad. Obviously it literally wouldnt exist because without him I would never have been born and wouldnt be sitting in a coffee shop writing the book you are now reading. But he did more than decide to have son. He raised me, taught me about faith, loved me, and provided for me. He let me stumble into my own mistakes and then helped me find the courage to try again as I carved out a path for myself. I would be horrified if any of my kids ever decided to write a book about parenting, yet somehow Dad always just smiled and told me he was proud of me.

I want to say a heartfelt thank you to my agent, Chip McGregor, who believed I was a good enough dad to write this book. Thanks to the Harvest House team, especially Kathleen Kerr for her early developments and Gene Skinner for refining this book into something Im proud to have written.

And to every dad, mentor, and friend who took the time to talk with me and teach me and help me parent better, I cant thank you enough. Not only for how your advice shaped this book, but also for how your advice shaped the trajectory of our family.

I need to thank my beautiful wife and my loving kids for letting me pull up the blinds of our lives and proudly share our story with others. Were far from perfect, but were proud of our story and how far weve come. And if we (and by we I mostly mean me) mess up too badly, we know that tomorrow holds the promise to be better.

Y oure doing it wrong.

I have battled these four words every day as Ive written this book. I was lucky enough to meet with some of the most successful parents I know. I was given a reason to read books and articles written by the most renowned childrearing experts in the world. I drank from the fire hose of parenting knowledge and attempted to let that wisdom spill into the way I approached fatherhood. As I made decisions for my family, I imagined my mentors looking over my shoulder. Ive wondered if those experts would somehow stumble onto my book someday and see what Id done with their advice. All these people would no doubt have the same thought about how I approached parenting.

You. Are. Doing. It. Wrong.

This is the most crippling thought for modern parents. First-world people have more time on their hands and more blogs, books, chat rooms, and support groups at their disposal than any other group in human history. We have access to a constant, evolving dialogue about how to approach the craft of parenting, and I am adding to this noise. The drive to be perfect parents can be so overwhelming that we dont do anything at all.

I said at the beginning of this book that trying isnt enough. And I still believe that, but trying is a great place to start. And when the trying is accompanied by the resolve to keep pushing forward and keep getting better at this job every single day, profound change is possible. My life has been changed by writing this book and trying to become a better father. I dont know what your impression would be if you saw me trying to cart my four girls around SuperTarget, but I know Im doing much better than I was a year ago. Like potty training, becoming a better dad is a slow, frustrating, and often embarrassing process.

I started this book with a story about Sarah getting on a plane, and I will end it with a story about Sarah taking another trip eight years later. Im following the advice of Dr. Weiss, who told me to give my wife time away. More than just a Tuesday night at a restaurant, this was a chance to see some of her best friends and bond with our daughter. A chance to escape the bitter Colorado winter and bask in the golden California sunshine. This was a chance for her to get away with Julianna while I stayed home with Claire and Abby (Emma-Jane wasnt born yet).

I wasnt their babysitter. I was their father.

The morning after Sarah and Julianna left, the other two kids and I woke up and sat around the kitchen table planning an adventure for the day. We ate the pancakes I made. I helped them get dressed, and when one of them got in trouble, she knew exactly what her punishment was and corrected her behavior. I took Claire to an indoor trampoline park, where she twisted her kneebut now I knew how to examine the injury and determine whether she needed medical attention or just a hug from Dad and a bag of ice. I got my daughters dressed in nice outfits Sunday morning, and we were at church by eight a.m. so they could help me prep a brunch for a small group I lead. On Monday morning I got them ready for the day, and I helped Claire with a homework project that night.

Im finally feeling like a father who is up to the challenge of parenting. I think of myself as a father in the same way I think of myself as a writer. I take the craft of fathering seriously. Its something I work at every day, something I want to spend my lifetime getting better at. I hope that, like me, youre getting better at these 12 fathering roles.

Let me give a golf analogy. If parenting is a golf bag, I now have a much clearer understanding of when to take out the 5 iron of teaching, the sand wedge of doctoring, or the driver of protecting. Im learning when and where to use these clubs. At first, the tee box of parenting felt daunting, and every shot landed in rough. Now its becoming second nature. I still shank a shot sometimes, but Im learning from my mistakes and getting better.

I hope youre going on a similar journey, because as dads we can do better. We are not merely the other parent when Mom is not around. We are not self-centered narcissists who will leave a generation of broken children in our wake. Rather, we are creating a culture where fathering matters again. Its not about doing this better than our dads did; its just about doing this better. I pray my kids are better parents than I am. I pray my kids succeed because of the way I parented and not in spite of it.

I pray this for you too. I know youre trying, that you want to fight for them. And if you fight for your kids, theyll love you forever. Your fathering wont go perfectly, but youll be there for them. Youll have the tough conversations and step up to protect them. Youll take those family vacations. One moment youll want to scream, and the next youll be making memories to last a lifetime. Youll teach your kids reading, writing, and arithmetic, and youll watch as they accomplish more than you ever thought possible. Your kids will have no idea how much you sacrificed until they become parents themselves. Thats because fatherhood is a thankless job. But that doesnt mean its not the best job in the world.

F atherhood begins with a paradox. We are supposed to spend more time at homeraising, playing with, and loving on our kids and we need to make enough money so our families can have a roof over their heads, food on the table, and sufficient gas in the minivan to get to soccer practice and back.

Americans think a family of four needs to earn about $58,000 a year just to get by. Breadwinner and caregiver is now the job description for fathers and mothers.

But for many fathers, provision is the first thing they think about once they know they are having a baby. Women are (obviously) always the first to find out theyre pregnant. Even before its official, they have a good idea. Like Sherlock Holmes, they decipher each clue of what is happening in their bodies. This intuition lets them process the meaning and emotions of the pregnancy before they tell the dad-to-be. Sometimes moms know seconds before; other times they know the truth for weeks. When they finally spill the news, most dads have two reactions:

1. I have to provide for this baby for the rest of my life.

2. This is the most amazing thing that has ever happened.

These reactions happen at the same moment. There is joy and there is fear. The first test youll face as a dad is to show only the joy . Your wife is about to deal with nine months of sleepless nights. The least you can do is seem happy. And we dads-to-be are happybut were also scared. Babies scare men.