Lysa TerKeurst - Am I Messing Up My Kids?: ...and Other Questions Every Mom Asks

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS

EUGENE, OREGON

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide.

Cover by Garborg Design Works, Savage, Minnesota

Published in association with the literary agency of Fedd & Company, Inc., 9759 Concord Pass, Brentwood, TN 37027.

AM I MESSING UP MY KIDS?

Copyright 2006/2010 by Lysa TerKeurst

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97402

www.harvesthousepublishers.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

TerKeurst, Lysa.

Am I messing up my kids? / Lysa TerKeurst.[Expanded ed.].

p. cm.

Rev. ed. of: The bathtub is overflowing but I feel drained, 2006.

ISBN 978-0-7369-2866-3 (pbk.)

1. MothersReligious life. 2. MotherhoodReligious aspectsChristianity. I. TerKeurst, Lysa. Bathtub is overflowing but I feel drained. II. Title

BV4529.18.T44 2010

248.8431dc22

2009031511

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Printed in the United States of America

10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 / VP-NI / 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

God, I know I ask so many questions.

Its because being a mom is the toughest

privilege Ive ever loved. I dont want to mess

this up! So I simply offer my willingness to

be a great mom today. Thats all I have to

give. I trust You to fill in the gaps and give

me the wisdom, patience, and discernment

that will be required of me. I love this child

I call my own, but in reality this child is

Yours first and You know them best. Thank

You for the honor to join You on this journey

of walking this precious person toward

physical, emotional, and spiritual maturity.

The world is full of women blindsided by the unceasing demands of motherhood, still flabbergasted by how a job can be terrific and torturous.

A NNA Q UINDLEN

I SANK DOWN DEEP INTO THE BUBBLES , my body tired and sore. I thought I was going to love motherhood and embrace it with great and unabashed joy, but that was not at all how I was feeling, especially today. What was wrong with me? Something had better kick in soon as I was about to start the whole adventure over again with baby number two. Shed be arriving in five short weeks.

Tears trickled down my cheeks as I recalled the days events. Id taken my 14-month-old daughter to a department store sale to stock up on things I needed for the new baby. I was well equipped for our trip with a stroller, snacks in little plastic bags, sippie cups full of her favorite beverages, and toys to keep her entertained, but she was not impressed with any of my offerings once we got to the store. She became obsessed with the cash register manuals behind the checkout counter.

She discovered them the first time she wiggled from the restraints holding her in the stroller. As she wandered behind the counter, the saleslady, who got my attention in a stern voice that made me feel incapable and irresponsible, asked me to please keep my daughter from wandering. I picked up Hope and put her back in the stroller. She was very unhappy, to say the least. I tried to appease her with several things from the diaper bag. When nothing was working, I pulled out my ultimate weapon, the bottle. Id promised myself Id only use this in a dire circumstance as wed been trying to wean her before the new baby came, but it brought me the peace and cooperation I needed to keep on shopping.

No sooner had I started comparing prices again when I spotted Hopes bottle on the ground and the stroller empty. About this time I heard a loud crash coming from behind the register with the irritated salesclerk and the cash register manuals. I flew behind the counter just as the stern woman was about to open her mouth. I held up my hand as if to say Nothing you are about to say could make me feel any more embarrassed than I already am.

I also felt condemning stares from other customers. I was sure they were all wondering why I couldnt keep my daughter under control and would love to give volumes of advice if only Id ask. I knew this is what they were thinking because B.K. (before kids) I used to see unruly children and have these same thoughts. My children would never act that way! That poor mother needs some advice from me. Oh, how our judgments come back to haunt us.

I picked up Hope, put her face where she had to look squarely into my eyes, and in the harshest voice I could whisper said, Mommy told you no. Do not get out of your stroller. Do not touch the books. Do not wander off. Do you understand NO!?! Just as I finished my correction, she reared her head back, threw it toward my head, and bit me! She sank her sharp little teeth right into my cheek. I could not believe what was happening. All I knew is that I had to get out of that store and away from my vampire child.

I tucked Hope, still screaming for the manuals, under one arm, picked the stroller up and tucked it under my other arm, and waddled out of the store. By the time I reached my car, we were a tangled mess of baby gear and tears. I drove straight to my husbands restaurant, marched in holding Hope at arms length, and instructed him to put her in the baby backpack as she was staying with him for the remainder of the day. When he inquired about the bleeding gash on my face, all I could say was, This is exactly the reason I cant have her with me right now.

I drove home and drew a hot bath, but not even Calgon could take me away. As I lay my head back against the tubs edge, I kept thinking about what a failure I was. Through my tears I stared at the water pouring out of the tubs faucet. I want to offer what this water offers to everyone who releases it from the faucet. It brings warmth and comfort. It fills a space without leaving any gaps. It is clean and able to wash away the yuck of life. It has a vast supply of its offering. It is pure and without hidden or harsh elements. It fulfills the purpose for which it was made.

I let the water run until the tub could not contain another drop. Even at my slightest movement, the water sloshed about and overflowed onto the floor. There was such a stark difference between my soul and the water in the tub. I thought to myself, I am so completely spent. I have nothing left to give. Whats wrong with me? I am so afraid I am going to be a complete failure as a mother. Lord, am I going to mess up my kids?

Most moms can relate to this feeling. Thats why I wrote this book. Its not a parenting book. Its not a how-to-be-the-best-mom-ever book. Its not a one-size-fits-all advice book. Its an honest look at motherhood. Through all the pushes and pulls, stresses and strains, and triumphs and failures are perspectives I have found to be encouraging and even transforming. I have discovered that if I can change the way I think about something, I can change the way I react to it. If I change the way I react, I can change the way I define myself as a mother. I dont have to be defined as one barely hanging on in survival mode. I can be a mom who thrives and lives and loves the great adventure Ive been called to.