Rona Subotnik - Why Did He Cheat on Me?: The Truth Behind Why Men Stray

Title Page

Why Did He Cheat On Me?

The Truth Behind Why Men Stray

Rona SuboTnik, LMFT

Bestselling coauthor of Surviving Infidelity

Avon, Massachusetts

Copyright

Copyright 2010 by Rona Subotnik

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any

form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are

made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-4405-0054-1

ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0054-1

eISBN 10: 1-4405-0713-9

eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0713-7

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

is available from the publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

The stories in this book are based on real clients, but names and specifics have been changed to protect identities.

Dedication

To all the women who have experienced the heartbreak and despair of infidelity and with appreciation for all the women who have shared their stories with me. I hope all now enjoy a life of peace and well-being.

Contents

Acknowledgments

Dear Readers:

Writing a book is a complex process and there are many people who help you along the way. Their help is much appreciated. I want to especially thank my husband, Norman, who read this book chapter by chapter over and over again as I requested. He is an excellent proofreader, editor, and kind critic.

This book is so very much better because of his patience and willingness to reread one book so very many times. I particularly appreciate his cheerfully going along with so many dinners and lunches out or takeouts during crunch time as I worked on this book. Now that it is finished, I promise home-cooked meals and will not ask him to read another thing (until the next book, that is).

All of my familyAdrienne and Todd Sharp, Dr. Kenneth Subotnik and Dr. Stephanie Woo, and Debra and Mathew Tratthave been supportive of me as I wrote. I am most appreciative of the insights shared by my daughter, Debra Tratt, who read many chapters and gave me encouraging feedback; and my daughter-in-law, Dr. Stephanie Woo, who read areas in her specialty of psychopathology, which she teaches at Pepperdine University. And much appreciation to my son Kenneth, who came to my rescue more than once when I was caught in one of my computer glitches.

My daughter, Adrienne Sharp, was cheering me along from the sidelines as she was meeting her own deadline on her next exciting novel.

I received encouragement and support from my friends, The Therapy Sisters, who meet twice a month for lunch to catch up with each other and share and discuss professional news. They are Marriage and Family Therapists Marilyn Kaplan and Ceil Feldman; Anger Management Therapist Karen Golob; and Medical Hypnotherapist Dr. Lois K. Rubin. I particularly want to thank Lois, Karen, and Marilyn for reading the entire manuscript and sharing their insights with me. In addition, I appreciate the comments of my friend, psychologist Dr. Virginia A. Simpson, who specializes in bereavement counseling. I thank all of you for your friendship and your contributions to this book. I thank Peggy Vaughan for her never-failing support.

And last but really first of all, I want to thank those who are responsible for helping my thoughts to become this book. I want to thank my agent, Julie Castiglia, for our partnership of twenty years, for her support and for always having my interests at heart. Additionally, I want to thank Adams Media for our long partnership of twenty years and for having helped to make this book one that will be an important addition to their collection. Those at Adams who have been so expert in their help are Laura Daly and Kate Petrella. I especially thank Laura my editor, for her professionalism, expertise, and thoughtfulness and for making this book better with her suggested additions, and probing questions. I am grateful to my copyeditor Kate Petrella for her excellence and thoroughness as she reviewed this manuscript. This resulted in a much improved book. I would also like to thank the design department of Adams Media for their creativity in designing this cover and the book in such a way that I keep gazing at it in admiration and appreciation.

Finally, I want to thank the men and women, who, over the years, have shared their stories with me, wrote, e-mailed, and had telephone conferences with me. I appreciate your confidence in me, and I continue to wish you good luck as you resolve your issues from the tangled triangle of infidelity. I admire you all for coming forward for help. Best wishes to you.

Most sincerely,

Rona Subotnik

Introduction

This book will help you understand affairs, and by doing so find the answer to the question Why Did He Cheat on Me? Many women say that if her husband or partner ever had an affair, she would leave him. This would be a very simple non-thinking attempt at a solution to a very complex situation, and one that may backfire on her. When faced with infidelity, understanding it will probably help her realize that the answer is not simple. I believe in learning as much as you can about this issue before making a decision, and that is what this book is about.

The information you will find in Why Did He Cheat on Me? comes from what I have observed from working with many women and men over the past twenty-six years, and from the hundreds of support groups I have led. I also refer to the work and research of other authorities in the mental health field. I use literature, plays, TV shows, and films where it helps to illustrate a point. If I make a point from an actual person, I disguise names, locales, and individuals so that they would not be recognizable to anyone, including themselves. All confidences are honored. This book will be of interest to those in committed relationships as well as those who are married. I use the words affair and infidelity interchangeably and the terms other woman , affair person , and affairee interchangeably as well.

In Part I, The Picture of an Affair, you will learn the most important things to know about affairs. Perhaps the most important is that there are six different kinds of affairs. Four are the traditional typean affair with touchingwhile the other two are nontraditional, without touching. The latter are just as threatening to a marriage as is the traditional affair. The type of affair your husband is having is critical for you to know and identify. Affairs are complex events in a persons life, because not all affairs are the same, people are different, and many people are involved. You will learn about the role played by previous family generations, and the effect on the next generation. Affairs go through stages, and each will be explained to you. You also will read about an interesting theory of love, one that is easy to understand and can be applied to infidelity.