Rosenberg - Infidelity: why men and women cheat

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J AMES BALDWIN

In American society we tend to draw lines between normal and abnormal, sick and well, sane and insane, and the addicted versus those with just a few bad habits. In a similar vein we often think theres a clear division between a good spouse and adulterer. Im here to explain that in reality the differences between these false binaries are not actually so clearly delineated.

documented how the foundations of Western medicine in the nineteenth century were rooted in such distinctions. The new physicians of the 1800s used their medical gaze to create scientific divisions between normal and diseased states that became critical to our understanding of mental and physical illness. But when it comes to matters of the mind, the lines are actually quite blurry. And when it comes to infidelity, most people live in the gray zone.

any of us can become obsessed with another person. After all, isnt that what falling in love is all about?

Infidelity, defined as a breach in the promise of sexual exclusivity, is the end product of our normal impulses for love and lust gone haywire. Infidelity is a leading cause of divorce in this country. Romantic betrayal can be so devastating that it leads to suicide, homicide, and other crimes of passion. All this, despite the fact that more than 50 percent of committed dating people cheat, at least 20 percent of monogamous married people cheat, and many of the rest of us supposedly upstanding citizens think about it nonstop, although we tend to keep the thoughts to ourselves out of fear of reprisal from our partners and our community. Our adulterous thoughts can sometimes lead us to live in shame, hating ourselves. Although we might tell our partners everything else, our unfaithful thoughts and actions usually remain unspoken. The purpose of this book is to get us thinking about what goes unsaid and to help both adulterers and betrayed spouses alike.

In the pages that follow I quote the scientific literature and explain new discoveries in psychology and neuroscience. I delve into recent findings in genetics that reveal how our genes affect our behavior. I discuss how the new field of epigenetics is demonstrating that not only can our genes affect our behaviors but our behaviors and thoughts can actually change our genes.

My background in treating addiction significantly informs my take on the realities of infidelity. I argue in this book that sex and love are the primordial addictions, meaning our brains evolved to get us addicted to sex and love. These, I argue, are normal addictions. If anything can hook you, its lust and romance! After all, the survival of our species depends on it. But in cases of infidelity this irrational exuberance can bring on a truckload of trouble. Understanding our human frailties does not absolve cheaters of responsibility, of course, but it can grant us a new perspective that helps all of us make wiser, more informed choices before we act.

This book is about the role that our brains, our minds (or psychology), and our culture play in infidelity. Well learn from biological anthropologists and sociologists who have studied the development of infidelity through the course of human evolution. Well hear from psychologists, who explain how modern times are rife with sexual triggers, and from neuroscientists who understand how our brains betray us. All these experts together offer important perspectives to help explain how and why we get in trouble with sex so that we can learn how to better get a handle on desires that lead to destructive behaviors.

In Part I we will explore the science surrounding sex and infidelity with an intimate glimpse into the brains reward systems and how they can become hijackedleading us into destructive behaviors that often include pulling us toward destructive choices, even if we dont actually enjoy them. In Part II well discuss the different ways people stray, by and large driven by human tendencies toward seeking novelty. In Part III well talk solutions. Ill offer case studies that provide examples of how couples move past an affair. Ill discuss guiding principles to help partners discover their true sexual and romantic potential, unhindered by obstacles like ego and insecurity. And Ill offer practical guidelines to help you avoidor move out ofthe morasses that have ensnared many couples. Although a book about infidelity by nature points out how love and sex can go awry, the take-home message from this book is that passionate love can endure despite our innate tendency to cheat and our built-in drive to destroy the good in our lives.

A Little About Me

As a psychiatrist, I am disinclined to talk about myself. Yet before I discuss my patients, I think its only fair to share a little about how I began working with infidelity. As a young doctor I was thrust into treating philanderers because of my dual interests in the scientific study of sex and my specialization in addiction medicine. (Philanderer, by the way, is a term that in common parlance is used to refer to men only. But Ill use it in this book to refer to women too, particularly as