Beverley Stone - Stay or Leave: 6 Steps to Make the Right Decision About Your Relationship

WATKINS PUBLISHING

LONDON

This edition first published in the UK and USA 2012 by

Watkins Publishing, Sixth Floor, Castle House,

7576 Wells Street, London W1T 3QH

Design and typography copyright Watkins Publishing 2012

Text copyright Beverley Stone 2012

Diagrams on pages 23, 90 and 165 copyright Beverley Stone 2012

For permission to reproduce the copyright text extracts used in this
book, please see page 178.

The author has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs

and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form

or by any means, electronic or mechanical,

without prior permission in writing from the Publishers.

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Design and typesetting by Jerry Goldie Graphic Design

Printed and bound in China by Imago

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data Available

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Available

ISBN: 978-1-78028-203-9

www.watkinspublishing.co.uk

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains

And we never even know we have the key.

Jack Tempchin and Robb Strandlund,
Already Gone

I believe that courage is all too often mistakenly seen as the absence of fear. If you descend by rope from a cliff and are not fearful to some degree, you are either crazy or unaware. Courage is seeing your fear, in a realistic perspective, defining it, considering the alternatives and choosing to function in spite of risks.

Leonard Zunin, Contact: The First Four Minutes

This book is for all of you who know you need to change your life, but who are struggling with your inability to decide which path to take or to act on your decision. My hope is that I can convince you that the chains that hold you back are of your own making and that, knowing this, you will find the key to ending your relationship indecision. My intention for this book is to help you summon the courage to risk making the changes that will allow you to live a more meaningful and enjoyable life.

A lways an old soul, I can remember asking, Whats it all about? from the age of three. Later, in my early teens and by then a lost soul, I read extensively around the concepts of authenticity, meaning and purpose. Everything I read resonated with me. Leaving grammar school at 15, job hopping and living abroad at 17, coming back to take my A levels at 20, going to university at 21, Ive always found it difficult to know what I want to be when I grow up and today Im still a lost soul, still asking that question! But Ive never found it hard to take the risk of being authentic, to find the courage to take charge of my life and to make the changes that would improve matters. These changes included leaving a difficult marriage and becoming a single parent and sole provider.

As a psychologist, Ive built on my early reading to develop an approach that has helped me in my international business career. While coaching executives, I focus on helping them resolve not only their organizational dilemmas but also, more often than not, their personal ones. And its this latter aspect of my work that led a number of people to ask me to write this book.

It all began following a conversation with Maureen Peat. She suggested that, rather than write my third book on organizational behaviour, I should capitalize on my experience as a relationship coach and write about relationships. I therefore would like to express a big debt of gratitude for her advice.

I began to write this book with fantastic help from my friend, Rachel Baird, a brilliant journalist whose writing style I love. Rachel came to my apartment in Tavira on two occasions to spend a week working with me on this book. Im so grateful for the help she gave me in organizing my thoughts and, each time I got stuck, in helping me to express what I was trying to say accurately, succinctly and elegantly.

Then I became distracted by my research into the relationship between quantum physics and knowing, until my friend and colleague Rosemary Chesters persuaded me to revisit and finally complete this book. Rosemary felt that my message was so powerful that it would be of immense benefit to anyone with a problem in their relationship or going through the pain of indecision. I hope shes right! Rosemary agreed to my condition of completing it: that I would only do so if shed join me at least one day a week in order to encourage, help and support me. She did so unfailingly and I thank her so much for that. There is no doubt in my mind that this book would not exist without her.

The book encompasses what Ive learnt over 25 years from a diverse range of clients about their fears, challenges, relationships and group dynamics. Ive consistently incorporated this learning into my thinking and practice so as to improve continuously my ability to help others, and much of what Ive learnt is included in this book. My experience with clients has also enabled me to illustrate my approach with a number of case studies, although Ive changed the names and some of the contexts. I therefore want to express my sincere thanks to each and every one of my clients whose willingness to persevere with my confrontational style and work with me openly, honestly and courageously is something Ill always respect and cherish.

The book would not have found its way to my publisher without the hard work and dedication of my literary agent, Susan Mears, for which I thank her. And, of course, my thanks for all her support and encouragement also go to my commissioning editor at Duncan Baird, Sandra Rigby; thanks also to my wonderfully talented editor, Fiona Robertson, who has made what could have been an arduous task into a pleasurable one, to the publicity and marketing manager, Vicky Hartley, and to the publicity and marketing executive, Fran Yarde-Buller.

Finally, I want to thank all those who generously took time to read my manuscript my wonderful daughters, Becky Cantor and Zelda Pitman, and their lovely husbands, Joel Cantor and James Pitman; my sister-in-law and best friend, Linda Stone; my hugely supportive brother, Andrew Stone; my very special neighbour, Sandy Tyrell-Wright; and Rosemarys good friend, Jacqui Bryan. They all gave me extremely useful and hugely positive feedback that, although Confident Me of course agreed with them, Cautious Me found difficult to believe! Again, lets hope youre all correct

T he theme of Paul Simons popular song 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover suggests, tongue in cheek, that the deed should be simple: you just make a new plan, Stan, slip out the back, Jack, drop off the key, Lee and get yourself free. But the singer doesnt heed his friends repeated advice and instead doggedly remains indecisive, hesitant and in pain.

Could there be a more perfect description of whats happening to you right now? Youre in a miserable relationship. You think you want to leave. Yet you are unable to do the deed. Friends, while sympathetic with your struggle to be free, insist that the solution to your dilemma is really pretty straightforward.

When youre with them you enthusiastically get caught up in the logic of their arguments. You appreciate that they are probably right, there must be at least 50 ways to leave your lover. Yet in the morning you no longer see the light. You are back to your old confused self, scrabbling around in the dark for clarity and certainty.