Kevin Fall - How to Get Your Son Back: 7 Steps to Reconnect and Repair Your Relationship

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Austin and I would like to especially thank Marcia Fallwife, best friend, and stepmomfor her unending love and support.

Wed also like to thank the editorial staff at Eschler Editing (EschlerEditing.com) for their expertise and dedication in helping us make this book a reality.

And Anna DeStefano of www.howyouwrite.net , our editor and dear friend. We cannot begin to express our appreciation for your tireless engagement on this project.

PREFACE

As parents of troubled teens and young adults, its deceptively easy for us to lose the keys to our childrens hearts and brighter futures.

Our teens and young adults are navigating the confusing and often painful journey of maturing into adulthood. Theyre making mistakes and enduring consequences that can impact their lives for a long time to come. And on a daily basis, we as parents are told were not welcome. Our help isnt needed. We couldnt possibly understand. When we try to get them to talk, were only in the way and making things worse.

How do I know this?

Because Ive been right where you are, feeling the same isolating hopelessness and making so many of the same missteps with my own son. I was failing as a parent no matter how hard I tried to reach my teen. Yes, Im a licensed psychologist. But counseling is my second career. It took taking a long, hard look at myselfand beginning to do my own personal workbefore I realized how much I craved helping other parents who find themselves at a similar crossroads.

My sons behavioral and relationship issues were in rapid decline.

Though I loved my boys, my parenting choices were, at best, ineffective.

At my worst, I was impatient, emotionally all over the place, and, due in large part to the way I was raised, controlled my kids using psychological and physical intimidationand at times outright abuse. Dont get me wrong. I was doing the best I could. I simply didnt know enough about myself or what my son was going through to make better choices. I only wished Id figured some of that out sooner, before things with Austin became so critical.

Over time, that wish evolved into sparing other parents of learning the hard way that relating to their troubled teen or young adult and becoming part of his journey (instead of another enemy for him to battle) is the most important and most effective step a parent can take in helping a child.

I am a father first. And before I received my training and years of clinical practice, I almost lost Austin to his descent into his darkest days.

He was only thirteen, and then fourteen, and then fifteen, and soon twenty and was drinking, hiding more of himself from the world, getting into trouble with the law, and identifying more and more with a small group of destructive peers telling him it was funny and coolthe damage and pain he was causing himself and others. He was gone from me and desperate for the approval of the only friends he had left. There seemed to be no way to pull him back.

As Austin will soon share, back then the last thing he wanted was to reverse his course. Things were fine exactly the way they were. He was going to make it on his own. He no longer needed my or anyones help.

Id somehow squandered my healthy relationship with my son, who was struggling through life feeling defective and unlovable.

He was bright and capable of anything. He could overcome all the mistakes he was making and choose a different path. I was certain of it.

But where had his confidence gone? Where was his belief in his true identitythat wonderful boy Id known the first twelve years of his life? He seemed hell-bent on growing into the absolute worst version of himself: the troublemaker the world, and too often in those days, the version his own father reflected back to him.

And yet I was determined to never let go.

Austin and I are writing this book, exposing our ugly and painful past, as well as our successes and his now-bright future, to bring a message of hope to other parents of troubled teens and young adults.

Because we know youll never let go of your son or daughter either.

Theres no limit to a parents love. Theres no mistake your teen or young adult could make that would sever that forever bond. And yet there are countless obstacles in your way these days as you battle to connect and maintain a positive, loving influence over your sons or daughters often too-solitary path into adulthood.

NOTE: This book is written from a father-and-son perspective. The majority of the recommendations we offer will be, for the sake of pronoun simplification, directed toward your work with your son.

However, the same material applies equally to troubled daughters facing this pivotal moment in their development.

So bear with us going forward, and when we say son, know that were talking about your teen or young adult regardless of gender.

The reality is that parents can truly change only one thing in their relationships with their children: themselves.

My training has taught me that, but so has personal experience.

Your most effective impact and the best use of your time and energy lies in handling your own journey as you work to see and understand the deep struggles underlying your sons acting out and destructive behavior. Your best play is to put yourself in the most positive, powerful position you can to maintain a healthy influence over your sons actions and to improve his understanding of the consequences he faces because of his choices. To do that, you must tap into the most powerful human force in your teens or young adults world: the attachment relationship. Through your relationship with him, you will be able to guide him to achieve the purpose, confidence, and independence he craves.

As you work our seven-step game plan to getting your son back, you will repair your parent-son relationship.

You will rebuild trust in both directions, admitting your own mistakes, taking responsibility for the effect your parenting choices have had on your son, and asking and offering forgiveness. This will put you on a successful path to earning your maturing sons confidence and to once more being a welcome guide in his life.

Austin and I offer our stories as examples of how badly things can go wrong and as inspiration for you to redouble your efforts to help your teen or young adult attain his unlived potential. Because we believe the stakes are too high not to.

You cannot assume that your teen or young adult will grow out of his troubles or find his own way.

He needs your help regardless of what he may be telling you. And in order to reach him, you as the parent must be the first in your relationship to risk becoming completely vulnerable.

Our sons are well aware of our shortcomings.

Theyre far more savvy than we were at their age, and they see straight through our pretenses. By and large, they no longer respond to an all-knowing, do-it-because-I-say-so authority figure.

Teens today respect authenticity.

If our relationships with them are to succeed, our openness and honesty about our own problems and failures is an incredible gift we must find the courage to offer. Consistently. Every day. This book calls you to become the very best you can at doing just that. And in return, as you begin to help your son once more, you will tap into the power of your own imperfect humanness.

Beyond my sons and my personal experience, Ill share my experience in the area of interpersonal psychotherapy.

With Austins input and help, Ill offer steps for analyzing and understanding your personal situation with your son. Well offer strategies for repairing and rebuilding the connection and communication youve lost and for growing your parent-child relationship in new directions and to new heights youve possibly only dreamed of.