Judy Ford - Wonderful Ways to Love a Teen: How to Parent Teenagers...Even When It Seems Impossible

Wonderful

Ways to Love

a Teen

Other Books by Judy Ford

Wonderful Ways to Lo ve a Child

Wonderful Ways to B e a Family

Wonderful Ways to Be a Stepparent

Wonderful Ways to Love a Grandchild

Expe cting Baby

Between Mother an d Daughter

Getting Over G etting Mad

Wonderful

Ways to Love

a Teen

How to Parent Teenagers...

Even When It Seems Impossible

JUDY FORD

Coral Gables, FL

Copyright 1996, 2002, 2022 by Judy Ford.
Published by Conari Press, a division of Mango Publishing Group, Inc.

Cover Design: Megan Werner
Layout & Design: Carmen Fortunato
Authors Photograph: Amanda Ford

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Wonderful Ways to Love a Teen: How to Parent Teenagers...Even When It Seems Impossible

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication number: 2022939033
ISBN: (print) 978-1-68481-022-2, (ebook) 978-1-68481-023-9
BISAC: FAM052000, FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Dysfunctional Families

Printed in the United States of America

Wise parents know that deep within their children is a free spirit and a goodness that need not be forced, only watered and encouraged.

William Martin, The Parents Ta o Te Ching

Contents

The ideal parents know they dont know everything.

W hen I mentioned to people that I was writing a sequel to Wonderful Ways to Love a Child called Wonderful Ways to Love a Teen , they rolled their eyes and said, We sure can use that book! or they would laugh, shake their heads in disbelief, and ask, Is it possible? Then I would ask them, Do you love your teenager? And without exception these same people would answer, Yes, of course! And as they complained about their son or daughter, Id see a sparkle in their eye and an undefined grace softening their face. As a cab driver in Dallas, the father of two teenage girls, said, They are the spring in my step. In my years of counseling and teaching, Ive talked with thousands of parents who love their teenagers but arent sure how to show it. They want a positive relationship but are uncertain of their role, and they wonder if their teenager still needs them. And because they dont know what to do, misunderstandings pile up, hurt and anger accumulate, and the distance between parent and ch ild grows.

The idea that teenagers are impossible to talk to, live with, and relate to has become so commonplace that we adults start to believe and act as if its so. The myth of the difficult teenage years is perpetuated over and over until everyone believes that all teenagers are difficult all the time. It just isnt so.

The teenage years run smoothly and joyously for some parents, whereas others find them impossible. Some parents savor every minute with their teenagers, knowing theyll soon be gone. Others find it so arduous to relate that they throw in the towel and withdrawcounting the days until their teenager moves out. Some parents find the relationship with their teenagers so fulfillingnot only because theyre learning the art of finesse and tact, but because the house is so livelythat theres excitement in the air. Still others resort to threats, punishment, and authoritarian rule to avoid relating.

Often, it seems that our teenagers do not want our love. The truth is that they do but in a new way. However difficult it may sometimes feel, I am convinced that it is always better to strive for a conscious relationship with your teeneven when you wonder if youre being stretched beyond your capabilities. Thats because I truly believebased on my experience and work with hundreds of parentsthat if relating to your teenager is impossible, its because you dont have the tools. Once you gain the tools, a relationship with a teenager is no more difficult than any other relationship. The truth is that the teenage stage of life is no more difficult than any other stage; it just takes n ew skills.

Wonderful Ways to Love a Teen is a handbook of tools to guide you in the art of relating to your teenager. Even when your parent/teen relationship appears hopelessly beyond repair, you can follow its suggestions to help you rebuild a lo ving bond.

The first thing to understand is that the parenting skills we learned with our young children no longer applyafter all, its much easier to parent a small child who thinks youre perfect than to relate to a teenager talking back, pointing out your faults, and pushing you away. Loving and parenting a teenager requires a more astute, subtle, sophisticated style. Thats why relating to a teenager is an art that demands a more conscious approach to parenting. As with learning any other art form, you will gain the needed proficiency only with diligent practice. Over the next few years, you will have many opportunities to sharpen y our style.

Parenting a teenager is the most intense course in the art of relating you could ever undertake. Its an extensive curriculum of compassion, communication, diplomacy, and conflict resolutionlike being in an encounter group of sorts, where you learn more about yourself than your teenager and more about yourself than you wanted to know. For twelve years, your child was your buddy, companion, and cheerful friend; just when you think you have things under control, he or she turns thirteen, and you find out you dont know for sure. Parenting a teen means discovering that you still have much to learn.

Over the years with a teen, youll discover how patient and generous you can beand how crazy and immature and how low you can sink. With a teenager in your life, youll most certainly uncover your not-so-loving characteristicsyour jealousy, anger, fear, and insecurities. Youll get discouraged and pull your hair out. At times, youll scream in frustration, behave irrationally, and find your thoughts swirling in confusion. And although theres no escape, you wont be afflicted forever if you choose to grow, hang in there, and uncover the teachings in whatever difficulties you face.

As a painter struggles with the canvas to get it just right, so will you struggle as you acquire the special knack of giving the right amount of advice, encouragement, and counsel. If you are willing to keep learning, evolving, and maturing, youll earn the privilege of watching a young adult emerge; then you can be deserve dly proud.

The rewards are immeasurable. When eighteen-year-old Ellie left for college, she wrote this note to her parents: Ive always needed you and always will. Whoever I am, whatever I become, its because I know you love me.

And so, parents of good heart who struggle valiantly to learn these lessons, remember that your teenagers, although they may never say so, are counti ng on you!

Its paradoxical that when youre patient with your teen, when youve stopped insisting and forcing, the very thing youre hoping for c an happen.