Dr. Linda Friedland - Raising Competent Teenagers. . . . In an Age of Porn, Drugs and Tattoos

A Rockpool book

PO Box 252

Summer Hill

NSW 2130

Australia

www.rockpoolpublishing.com.au

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First published in 2013 by Tafelberg

an imprint of NB Publishers, a division of Media24 Boeke (Pty) Ltd 40 Heerengracht, Cape Town 8001

Copyright Linda Friedland 2014

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry

Friedland, Linda, author.

Raising Competent Teenagers: ...in an age of porn, drugs and tattoos / Dr Linda Friedland.

9781925017397 (paperback)

Includes index.

Parenting.

Parent and teenager.

Teenagers Family relationships.

Teenagers Drug use Prevention.

Adolescent psychology.

649.125

Cover design by Jessica Le

Editor: Mark Ronan

Proofreader: Vanessa Vineall

Indexer: Anna Tanneberger

Typography: Jean van der Meulen

This eBook was developed by IntegralDMS

CONTENTS

FOREWORD

parenting is like golf. Just as there are three distinct parts to a golf hole, there are three different parenting stages.

Each requires something different from you.

You start by hitting the ball off the tee, usually with a wood, which is relatively straightforward. Your total focus is on hitting the ball off the tee cleanly to give yourself the best possible approach to the hole. This is akin to early childhood, when the parents focus is on getting their children off to a good start in life. Theres pressure at this stage, but its manageable.

In golf, the walk down the fairway after your initial tee shot is generally enjoyable. You can replace the wood with a number of irons, which are easier to use. Theres plenty of margin for error as a fluffed shot on the fairway doesnt matter too much. This part of the hole is like parenting children from four years of age through to ten. Its a more relaxed period for parents: children are generally fairly malleable, and the rewards are high in terms of the pride you can take in your childrens achievements, the enjoyable time you spend as a family and the affection you receive from children in this age group.

After the relative ease of the fairway, the green looms on the horizon and suddenly you need to up your game. There are water hazards and sand traps everywhere. You replace your trusty irons with your putter and now every shot counts. The pressure ramps up and before you know it, you are playing a very different game. Its challenging and you need to concentrate on every shot.

Similarly, most parents of teenagers find they must adapt to greater pressures. As they demand more freedom, teenagers are less pliable and more likely to challenge you and your authority. You need to use different communication tools if you are going to get through to them and help them navigate the risks and hazards they face. Just as a golfer must change his or her game around the green, you need to adapt if you are going to stay in the parenting game with your young person.

Dr Linda Friedland has produced a fabulous manual to help mums and dads adapt to the modern parenting game. Its eminently practical, wise, time-saving and very down to earth. I applaud Linda for distilling the wisdom of many prominent parenting educators, and faithfully drawing on their thoughts and advice throughout this great book. Her own voice can be clearly heard too, both as a medical practitioner and a parent.

You will find that the information she presents is very current, and organised into bite-sized, easy-to-read chunks. Just like the books title, many of the topics she covers, such as pornography, cyber bullying and tattoos, may make you feel a little uncomfortable but they are topics that need addressing if you want to stay in the game with todays young people.

There are two ways to approach Raising Competent Teenagers..in an age of porn, drugs and tattoos. You can use it as a how-to guide, reading it from start to finish so you feel empowered and informed as a parent. Alternatively, you can approach it as a problem-solver, dipping into its wisdom when you find yourself scratching your head, wondering what to do next with the young person in your family. Either way, this book deserves a prominent spot beside the bed of any person who has a teenager in their life!

Importantly, Linda Friedland places authority in the hands of you, the parent, and encourages you to be a confident, compassionate leader as you raise your young person through the potentially tricky years of adolescence. Enjoy the journey.

Michael Grose

Director, Parentingideas.com.au

November 2012

authors note

Parenting is simply defined as the act of raising a child and yet nothing can adequately prepare us for this major task. I am still in the midst of it: my two youngest children are teenagers; the older three are in their early 20s. Although much of the distress of adolescence attracts a great deal of attention and even media awareness, I dont believe raising teenagers has to be an entirely awful experience. I think much of it can in fact be trouble free and at times even quite satisfying. There is a wonderful African proverb it takes a village to raise a child. There are many things and people other than you, the parents, that influence your childs development. Struggling with challenging adolescents is no less daunting than dealing with toddlers. Remember that adolescence is a life stage and most testy teens grow into wonderful adults, but they do require healthy parenting, strong role models, love and patience to get through this stage. We often judge ourselves harshly when it comes to parenting, but there are many types of parents and various ways to parent well. Let go of the guilt and self-blame. It is never too late. This book will hopefully give you some new insights and perspectives on parenting teenagers, supported by views and data from some of the worlds leading parenting experts.

Note: Throughout the book, I have chosen to interchange gender and make use of both he and she when describing teenagers.

INTRODUCTION: BODY PIERCINGS AND OTHER POWER STRUGGLES

I t was an unusually hot day as we trampled through the African bush, trying to avoid thorns scratching against bare legs, and treading carefully over potential snake pits. We hadnt anticipated the walk would take so long and were looking forward to the end of the incessant are we there yets?, grumbled by the youngest boys. My then 13-year-old daughter decided it was a good time to engage in an important conversation. She obviously believed that in the middle of this arduous hike, I would be worn down enough to simply say yes, sure. She wasnt entirely wrong. Mum, can I get a belly ring?

Oh, yeah, sure! was my sarcastic response, as long as Dad says its okay, knowing full well what his response would be: Not a chance!

So off she trotted a hundred metres ahead to where Dad was leading the hike into a herd of zebras. Two minutes later, she ran jubilantly back to me as I continued dragging myself up the hill with two small, exhausted hikers in tow. Dad says its fine!

What!? Well its absolutely NOT fine. Dads wrong or joking, and I say no. No way. There is no way that you are getting a belly ring. The final answer is no.