Megan de Beyer - How to Raise a Man: The modern mothers guide to parenting her teenage son

How to Raise a Man

Published by Penguin Books

an imprint of Penguin Random House (Pty) Ltd

Company Reg. No. 1953/000441/07

The Estuaries No. 4, Oxbow Crescent, Century Avenue, Century City, Cape Town, 7441

www.penguinrandomhouse.co.za

First published 2020

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Publication Penguin Books 2020

Text Megan de Beyer 2020

Cover image iStockphoto/miflippo

Sneakers: Designed by Eightonesix/Freepik

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the copyright owners.

PUBLISHER: Marlene Fryer

MANAGING EDITOR: Ronel Richter-Herbert

EDITOR: Laetitia Sullivan

PROOFREADER: Ronel Richter-Herbert

COVER DESIGN: Monique Cleghorn

TEXT DESIGN: Ryan Africa

TYPESETTER: Ryan Africa/Monique van den Berg

978 1 77609 495 0 (print)

978 1 77609 496 7 (ePub)

Contents

For my sons, James and Jo.
Anything or anyone that does not bring you alive
is too small for you. David Whyte

If there ever was a time and a need for a book called How to Raise a Man not a good man; not a decent man; not a man I wouldnt mind my daughter (or son) spending the rest of their life with; just a man, unadorned its now.

The word man once stood for very good things: strength, loyalty, bravery, dignity, morality. The best men were providers and their familys trusted heroes; the type who would rise from bed in the dead of night to investigate terrifying thumps and thuds in the dark. These days, it seems men are the terrifying thumps and thuds in the dark. Women fear them. We walk faster because of them, from the bus or taxi to the light, or as we turn down badly lit alleys, reaching for our pepper spray. We wonder whether were safe when they pass us a drink in a club or stop us in the street. We fear them in the safety of our homes: when their dinner is late on the table; when theyre drinking; when their team loses, and when it wins. We worry about the safety of our daughters when men and boys come knocking at the door or rev their engines as they idle in the road outside.

And men suffer at the hands of other men, too.

And yet, as mothers, we know that among these men are our boys. Our adored, strong and gentle boys. The fact that good men seem to be teetering on the endangered species list is a shameful reality that needs to be discussed.

In this era of #metoo and #allmenaretrash, its evident that something is going wrong with the way men emerge from childhood into their teenage years and beyond. As most children are brought up by women (whether in single-parent homes or not), its easy to blame mothers. But toxic masculinity is a nasty, poisonous stew stirred by many hands. The task and responsibility of women raising boys is to bring up good men despite of it.

To succeed, we need help. It is a particularly cruel irony that as women are forced to confront the humbling, scary and confidence-sapping reality of aging and menopause, we are called upon to be role models for our adolescent children. If there is a god, he or she has a dark sense of humour.

As mothers, our childrens need for us to be strong, purposeful and confident is urgent. They desperately need us to be able to establish boundaries, teach consequences, instil bravery, and educate them in the concept of right and wrong, especially during their tumultuous adolescent years. The combination of an insecure, unhappy mother and any teenager let alone a rebellious, fragile or unhappy one is not destined for success.

As we enter the third decade of the 21st century, the generational divide seems more treacherous and dizzying than ever before. Today, as parents, we have the added complication of trying to lead our families while teetering on a tightrope over the chasm of the digital revolution. Never before have humans been so bombarded with content, stimulation and temptation. We might use in my day as a moral lodestar, but it is a faint echo from another time, increasingly unrecognisable both to our children and ourselves. Old rules and old methods dont work in this foreign environment. We are truly in uncharted territory. So how do we find certainty, confidence and joy in parenting modern boys? Well, we must ask for help.

Now, more than ever, we need to heed the old maxim, It takes a village to raise a child. We cannot find support by believing it is our role to be all things to our children. Trying to be a childs everything is an endeavour doomed to fail. Parenting is a journey best undertaken in a team. We need the wisdom of our communities; women were never intended to raise a child alone. We need shared knowledge, we need to know were not alone, and we need the insight and expertise of professionals.

One of the greatest gifts a parent can bestow on a child is seeking psychological support for the family. This is a powerful weapon against the kind of misery that sad, lost, unparented children and angry, frustrated parents suffer.

Many hundreds of parents myself included can count themselves lucky to have called upon Megan de Beyer. Through her private practice in Cape Town and highly regarded Strong Mothers Strong Sons workshops, Megan has supported hundreds of parents along the long and winding road to raising strong, decent men, helping women forge stronger bonds and closer understanding with their boys, and assisting them in navigating and coping with crises.

In How to Raise a Man, Megan shares her experience and expertise in raising her own two boys, packaging her knowledge into a comprehensive and useful workbook that I believe will become the go-to guide for parents of teenage boys. The book guides mothers through questions to ask and conversations to have. It offers practical solutions and a programme to follow when parents feel lost. It offers advice that will strengthen resolve and empower mothers and fathers to be the kind of parents they want to be. Its not, as Megan says, about sloppy, smothering love, but about finding a love language that can instil confidence in order to raise a man who is strong enough to do the right thing, independent enough to forge his own path, and well-parented enough to become the contributor to society we all so desperately need him to be.

VANESSA RAPHAELY

Author, media consultant and founder of The Village, South Africas happiest parenting social media community

Introduction:
Its time to let go

Parenting is a mirror in which we get to see the best of ourselves, and the worst; the richest moments of living, and the most frightening.

Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn, Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, 2011

One of the toughest moments in my life was when my youngest son told me, at age thirteen, that he wanted to go to boarding school. He had a way of stating things as if they were final. Not a question or a suggestion this was something he had 100 per cent decided. I was mortified and plagued with guilt, and felt totally rejected.