Einat Nathan - My Everything: The Parent I Want to Be, The Children I Hope to Raise

T HE STORY OF HOW WE BECOME PARENTS, THE PARENTS we are and the parents we will be in the future, is a story thats rewritten every day and every moment. Its a story about falling in love and about love itself, about communication and ego, about fear and hardship, about old pains weve forgotten and new ones that are created along the way. Its a story about bravery and modesty, imperfection, harmony and disharmony, but, most of all, its a story that has several narrators and different points of view.

Drawing from thousands of encounters with parents, my own personal parenting experience, and the professional knowledge I have accumulated, I write here about the complicated tale of parenthood as I see it. The lessons my children teach me are written in my lifes story and are presented to you here following my belief that this is how we should be talking about parenthood today.

Children come into the world without any operating manuals. Just as we wouldnt dream of feeding them every other day or of changing their diapers only when we feel like it, we cannot set out on the journey of parenthood without understanding what our children need on the emotional level in order to evolve into complete human beings. Thats why we often find ourselves quite lost when standing in front of the parenting bookshelf, succumbing to new techniques that promise us a child who will sleep through the night, excel at AP classes, and send us flowers every week along with a note thanking us for all that we do for him. At the same time, we are less attentive to the intuitive voice inside us and too attentive to our anxieties and other parents on the playground. We dont have enough fun, were often struggling, exhausted and angry, and the whole thing is wrapped up in a nice package of guilt, because we feel were never doing enough.

Our most significant challenge as parents is to try to expand the way we automatically interpret things and to rethink our reactions: That girl wakes up every morning just to drive me crazy, Hes testing me, Shes being manipulative, Hes doing it on purpose, Theyll kill each other if we dont step in, and countless other phrases we write in our narrative. Then we respondwe put out the fires they light, get annoyed when theyre annoying, enjoy them when theyre cute or cooperative, and generally find ourselves dependent on them and their behaviors. We are not really in control. Many things actually are beyond our control, but we can control the relationships at home.

I believe in taking control of the familial environment. I believe in improving relationships. I believe in parental intuition and good intentions. I believe that sometimes its enough to think differently or interpret things in a different way to make things better and include more moments of happiness in the story we write.

When you read my words, I hope you understand your own stories better. The most important discussion about parenthood is not related to techniques or tips, or to authority, rules, or boundaries, either. The most important thing about talking parenthood is discussing relationships. The parent-child relationship is not an equal relationship, but a relationship where the value of equality is present. Its a relationship in which we have to figure out the nature of our role (and yes, it is a role), understand what our children are telling us even when theyre not saying anything, know what is really requiredand no, it isnt necessarily to be tougher or to set more boundaries. Above all, its about observing the work from the viewpoint of the relationship between us and them, through the understanding of how significant we are to them, taking into consideration the life skills we would want to give them and their self-esteem, which is in our hands. This relationship needs to survive growing, failing, becoming an adult, learning, and disagreeing, and must provide children with what they need to face the challenges of living in the jungle out therethe difficulties, the social relations, the formation of their identity, the tasks of life. Ultimately, when theres a good relationship to lean on, we too become stronger.

Parenthood is like a bungee jump. Its scary and fun, it makes you fly and flings you down, and as the wind blows in your face between heaven and earth after youve dared to take that leap, there are a few moments of unparalleled exhilaration and joy. Remember that youre tied by a lifeline: your kids are the best anchor you can have for a jump like that. Theyre the ones who keep us in the parental role that requires so much courage, and theyre the only ones who make these magical moments possible. So hold on tight and take a deep breath. Were off.