Susan Alexander Yates - And Then I Had Teenagers: Encouragement for Parents of Teens and Preteens

And Then
I Had
Teenagers

Books by the Yates Family

And Then I Had Kids: Encouragement for Mothers of Young Children , Susan Alexander Yates

Character Matters! Raising Kids with Values That Last, John and Susan Yates

How a Man Prays for His Family, John W. Yates

How to Like the Ones You Love: Building Family Friendships for Life, Susan Alexander Yates

The Incredible Four-Year Adventure: Finding Real Faith, Fun, and Friendship at College, John Yates III and Chris Yates

Family: Creating a Home Full of Grace, John and Susan Yates

And Then
I Had
Teenagers

Susan Alexander Yates

2001 by Susan Alexander Yates

Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com

Spire edition published 2010
ISBN 978-0-8007-8791-2

Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Scripture is taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

10 11 12 13 14 15 16 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

With thanksgiving for my husband
Johnny

our eight treasures and teachers
Allison & Will
John & Alysia
Chris & Christy
Susy
Libby

and with gratitude for two new treasures
Scott
McLean

Contents

1. The Fearful Parent
Help, what if they... ? What if I... ?

2. Understanding This New Season
Whats normal, whats not?

3. Creating an Atmosphere of Encouragement
Walking on eggshells?

4. Building Good Communication
You just dont understand!

5. Setting Limits and Letting Go
Why cant you just trust me?

6. Handling the Hot Topics
Help! How should I handle... ?

7. Taking Advantage of Peer Pressure
But all my friends get to...

8. Encouraging Your Teens Faith
Im not sure I believe...

9. Finding Hope When Things Dont Turn Out
I never thought it would happen to me

10. Helping Teens Choose the Right College or Job
How am I supposed to know?

11. Training in Life Skills and Letting Go
Leavingis my child ready? Am I?

Writing a book can be a lonely adventure. It makes you really appreciate friends and family who encourage you and pray for you. I am most grateful to my husband, Johnny, and especially to my almost ten kids! Allison and Will Gaskins (Allisons husband), John and Alysia Ponzi Yates ( Johns wife), Chris and Christy Borgman Yates (Chriss wife), and Susy (and fiance, Scott Anderson) and Libby (and fiance, McLean Wilson). They give me ideas, let me tell stories about them, and pray faithfully for me. My mother, Fran Alexander, and mother-in-law, Sue Tucker Yates, have been my role models. When I grow up, I want to be just like them.

Many friends have prayed for me and encouraged me along the way. Im thankful for Ann Holladay, Brenda Hunter, Becky Pippert (Molenhouse), Gail Nolan, Holly Leachman, Debbie Sweek, Sarah Dow Reimers, Christin McGovern, Anne Cregger, Jane Eboch, Kim Doerr, Tucker Viccellio, Priscilla Reimers, Judy Thomsen, Molly Shafferman, Julia Mitchell, Cary Umhau, Esther Powell, Betsy Roadman, Georgia Brennecke, Ann Hibbard, Beth Spring, Elaine Metcalf, and Heidi Metcalf.

My sister, Fran Cade, and the Birmingham Moms gave me a fun weekend away, with many wonderful insights. Thank you for sharing your lives with me!

I am especially grateful for all the parents who shared their stories with me. Many are friends at The Falls Church (Episcopal), where we have served for twenty-two years. All of the stories in the book are true; however, in many cases the names have been changed to protect an individuals privacy.

A very special word of thanks goes to Missy Eboch, Christie Schweer, Mac Rogers, Rob Gaskins, and each of their parents. These friends have graciously permitted me to tell their difficult stories (in chapter 9) with the hope that they will be an encouragement to you. These families are available as a resource to you. You may contact them through me at Baker Publishing Group.

Allison, my daughter, my friend, and coauthor on several projects, has edited this manuscript in the midst of moving and chasing our two precious grandchildren, Caroline, three years old, and Will Jr., one! How blessed I am to have her. Our neighbors Bill and Susan Buckingham have kept my computer behaving and have been patient with my ineptitude. Its been a pleasure to work with Stephen Griffith, my agent, and the wonderful team at Baker.

Thanks be to God for these and many others who have walked alongside me in this project. Most especially, I am thankful to God. He is faithful.

For his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:2223

Introduction
At the Window

Standing at my front window, I watched for the familiar blonde head to appear. And I braced myself for what was about to happen. Slumped shoulders and a lowered head might mean trouble, whereas a light skip with a swinging backpack could mean a pleasant greeting was in store.

What will she be like today? I mused. Will she be on a high because she was asked to sit with the right girls at lunch, or will she be in an irritable funk because a certain boy didnt speak to her in the hall?

I had no way of knowing. I had a fourteen-year-old.

And then she was home.

Hi, honey, I greeted her, opening the front door. How was your day?

Okay, she replied in an exasperated voice as she threw her backpack on the floor.

Making a beeline for the kitchen, she bumped into her younger brother.

Why dont you look where youre going? she barked.

Casting a quick glance into the refrigerator, she turned accusingly to me.

Why dont we ever have any good food to eat in this house, anyway?

Not waiting for an answer, she stomped out and headed into her room, slamming the door with a loud bang that seemed to say, So there, its all your fault!

As I stood in silence, my son looked at me with a puzzled expression.

Mom, whats the matter with her? he asked.

Adolescence , thats what, I sighed.

It didnt seem that long since Id stood at the same window, waiting for my husband to come to my rescue. Then I was blocking out the cries of fifteen-month-old twins with ear infections, ignoring the war taking place between our four- and six-year-old boys, and not even caring where our eight-year-old was. Then I watched for HIS car to turn in the driveway. With coat and purse in hand, I greeted him at the door.

Hi, honey. Youve heard of runaway kidswell, Im a runaway mom. Theyre all fussing. Theyre all yours . Ill be back in about three hours, when Im sure you will have them all asleep.

Then I had five kids, ages eight and under, and I ran away. But now Id become a parent of five teens and preteens. And Im not supposed to run away. Its immature.

Allison was nineteen, John seventeen, Chris fifteen, and our twins, Susy and Libby, about to turn thirteen. We had a house full of hormones. And we knew that life with teens was different than life with toddlers.

Back then we couldnt get them to sleep. Now we cant get them up.

Then we used to be up at night feeding babies. Now were up at night waiting for them to come in.

Then they didnt care if their shorts were clean. Now they have to wear shorts that arent too clean and that are made of perfectly faded denim.