John Duffy - Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety: A Complete Guide to Your Childs Stressed, Depressed, Expanded, Amazing Adolescence

Parenting
the New Teen
in the Age
of Anxiety

A Complete Guide to Your Childs Stressed, Depressed, Expanded,
Amazing Adolescence

DR. JOHN DUFFY

Mango Publishing
Coral Gables

Copyright 2019 by Dr. John Duffy.

Published by Mango Publishing Group, a division of Mango Media Inc.

Cover Design: Roberto Nez

Layout & Design: Roberto Nez

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Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety: Complete Guide to Your Childs Stressed, Depressed, Expanded, Amazing Adolescence

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication number: 2019944131

ISBN: (print) 978-1-64250-049-3, (ebook) 978-1-64250-050-9

BISAC category code PSYCHOLOGY / Developmental / Adolescent

Printed in the United States of America

Note: When discussing parenting issues herein that are not gender-specific, I have chosen to use the female pronoun. Unless otherwise specified, stories and advice are not intended to apply to any one gender.

For Julie

Table of Contents

We are all aware of how challenging it is today to raise our kids. The pressure parents are confronted with is unprecedented. But it pales in comparison to the profound emotional impact of recent technological, social, cultural, and academic stressors on our children, and all of the overwhelming anxiety and depression they are suffering at shockingly early ages. Johns new book is a user-friendly guide through the morass, and it will help you maintain a strong, positive, and joyful connection with y our child.

Already at only seven-years-old, our son Dukes world is unrecognizable to us. He is bombarded with so much more data and stimulation than we were, and therefore has so much more on his emotional and intellectual plate. We are so excited to have this timely and powerful resource to help us now, and provide us strategies for what l ies ahead.

Weve known John on a personal and professional level for many years. He is our go-to for parenting and relationship questions. His advice is always honest, constructive, solid, and enli ghtening.

John is the real deal. He works with parents and kids in his practice every day. He knows what kids are dealing with, what their struggles are, where their strengths lie, what they know, and what t hey need.

Every parent needs to read this book. John gives parents a deep, clear understanding of our childrens world and gives them tools to help navigate and thrive throu gh it all.

Giuliana And B ill Rancic
E! News anchor and entrepreneur, re spectively

I love writing. I really do. And several years ago, I experienced the good fortune of knocking a large, significant item off my personal bucket list: I published a book. Not only that, I felt as if I published an important book, one that mattered, one that would, if taken seriously, drive a significant positive change in the lives of families, specifically those of teenagers and thei r parents.

I told stories. I dispelled myths. I drew from many years of direct clinical work, and came up with a truly user-friendly framework for parents of teenagers, one that I knew turned some of the more traditional models and belief systems about teens on their heads. I was proud of it, and still am. I had my say and, as far as I was concerned, I was done with the matter. I freed myself to move on to write something lighter, perhaps existential and Eastern-derived, more philosophical than psychological, something a little more Nietzsche and a little les s niche-y.

(Apologies for that. Couldn t resist.)

In any event, this shift in focus was not meant to be. Here am I to address that parent-teen relationship once again, in full recognition that, in the fleeting few years between publication of The Available Parent and the present, the world of our teens and of their parents has changed so dramatically, so thoroughly, that the subject requires r evisiting.

I am finding that parenting today is a more urgent matter than it was even those few short years ago. The stakes are higher, the dangers greater, the threats to self-worth and self-esteem wildly more pervasive.

And what looks like misbehavior, checking out, dropping out, refusing to go, are most likely overcorrections, adaptive mechanisms to relieve the stress of the perfectionistic, hyper-driven AP student, crushing it while secretly cutting herself for relief, or sneaking a Juul or weed break after her parents are fast asleep. These days, no child escapes childhood unscathed. Our generation by and large created this dynamic. It is ours to fix. We owe it to our kids.

For the stress is truly absurd and immeasurable, and the shift toward a manageable teenage life is the new mandate, imperative for all parents of teens or soon-to -be-teens.

So, help a guy out. Im a writer. Ive got ideas, maybe a novel or a play in me. Help me make this the last book I write on parenting.

Please.

I have enormous admiration for this generation of teenagers. They are kind and they are thoughtful, and they are worldly. They have a sense of justice that I dont remember having a concept of when I was their age. They are exposed to the harshest elements of the world much too soon. If I could reverse some of that for their growing minds, I would. But the upside is that we are unwittingly raising wonderful people who have this thoughtful, compassionate worldview that we may ha ve lacked.

I personally didnt have much of a point of view at age eight, eleven, even seventeen. Today, I dont know many kids who dont have a distinct point of view. Our job is to help them make sense of and integrate all they take in. And to do that, we must know and truly understand their world so we can collaborate with them.

Our kids are in an undue degree of psychic pain and they need an open dialogue. If we can get them talking, we can help ease their anxi ous minds.

For parents, the idea is understanding. So that when your kid is overwhelmed (and your kid is going to feel overwhelmed), when your kid is exposed to too much (and your kid will be exposed to too much), she will know: I have Mom and/or Dad, and they are my constants, they are solid. I can go to them and they are going to hear me out, without judgment. I know that. I know that I can talk to them and they are going to be there for me unequivocally. And in this nutty world with all of these stimuli, kids need some compass. They need you to be tha t compass.

Its natural for us as parents, when anxieties rise, to try to clamp down and control our child, or maybe look the other way because we are afraid to deal with their struggles. We sometimes want to spare ourselves and our children the difficult conversations because we think its too early, or that bringing up the topic will be planting a seed, whether its about drinking, or sex, or drugs, depression, anxiety, or suicideany of these tough topics. But we do not have that option anymore. We have to be open and curious and engaged and in the trenches with them. We need to be actively learning about their world so that when they need us, we get it.